Hubby and I seperated a few months ago. Seperation didn't last long. He got sick, and needed surgery. Moved back in needing someone to take care of him through it. We haven't talked about the situation. In fact I really don't know where our marriage stands. I fel like we are still seperated. I dread the thought of even bringing this up. I am just really tired of being really tired.
In the last 3 months we have ML once. He is feeling better but yet makes no attempts. Well, I take that back a couple weeks ago we did make love. That was the once it happened. But it felt so strained for me. It is just like I have no desire for him anymore. I even feel my love fading. I am withdrawing from this relationship. So I feel I really don't think there is anything left. I was the only one fighting for this relationship as it was.
Another thing that happened is when we seperated I had two guys start really flirting with me. It feels so good to be desired and see that from the male species again. I haven't had an affair. But I almost feel like I could. I am just so lonely. I feel like falling in a mans arms and just getting lost. Maybe I will stop feeling the horrible things that taunt my mind everyday. The flirting has caused me to seriously look at things really close. To actually see how much I miss the attention from a man. And to think deeply about if I feel I could stay married to my husband and miss out on it forever.
I am just so tired of being relationship cop. I have just no desire in me at all. To talk to him or to ML to him.
One thing to I want to mention and see if you all have any feedback on this.......He went around telling everyone that I told him to get out. It's like he didn't want people thinking at all that he left on his own. What I did say to him is that if he couldn't shape up in some of the things I thought were important then he needed to leave. Because I was tired of dealing with it. Funny thing is I said this and then two weeks go by and we hadn't even had an arguement and I came home from work and he was gone with the kiddos in the new place he was renting. I went and picked up the children and told him he was not going to handle it that way. And just walk out without even a notice or anything and drag our children into it while I was at work.
He didn't onve mention to anyone that he had a low sex drive and I was tired of it. Or that I was tired of him drinking when he had the children. It just seemed so important for him to tell everyone I made him get out.
Cally: Did you really expect him to tell people, "cally asked me to shape up by having sex with her, and by not getting drunk around the kids, and I couldn't agree to either one, so I got out of there."
No, he's going to play the victim card. Perfectly normal behavior from someone in his situation.
So, who were all these "people" he told? Any of them "your" friends? And by "your," I mean the friends that you get in the divorce if there is one.
I just remember when my ex and I split, she told lots of mutual friends about how it was all my fault. Some of them believed her.
When all is said and done, however, it doesn't really matter. Everyone knows that divorces and separations are not solely one party's fault.
Cally... he doesn't want to tell people that he left on his own because that would be taking responsibility. And listening to your needs and responding...that's taking responsiblity. And drinking with the kids...well, you get the picture.
You are in a tough position...hopefully the medical crisis will spur some action in him. However, I would also beware of depression settling in, and in men it can take a particularly " hard to read" form---anger, irritability, etc. Hope he's feeling better and that you are taking good care of you. It's fine to enjoy the male attention...just be careful because you are vulnerable right now. When you are ready you will address the issues again.
It's not realistic to think he's going to tell people the real reason you two separated. It'd be nice if he would I know, but he's not going to. I simply can't imagine ANY man telling people that they separated because he wouldn't have sex with his W.
I know your bruised female ego would simply love for people to know the truth, and for him to tell them that truth though wouldn't it? Try not to worry about what he says to others....if someone says something to you and you feel the need to clarify then do so, otherwise relax about it.
I wish you the best though. It seems to me that many of us on here are experiencing some of the withdrawal you are talking about (myself included). I'm hoping I don't find myself in a similar situation in the next few years....right now I'm trying to prevent that as hard as I can.
I can understand you feeling so emotionally drained from all that you are dealing with in your relationship. And, as painful as it is, I applaud you on your courage to share your story here. This is an amazing community of widsom and support and I do hope you are getting the guidance you are seeking. If I may, I would like to make two recommendations: 1. pick up a copy of Michele Weiner-Davis's book, The Sex-Starved Marriage, as I know you will find it useful to your specific situation, and 2. consider scheduling an appointment with a DB coach.
Michele and her personally-trained staff of highly-skilled mental health professionals offer DB telephone coaching. Your coach is an expert at working with the one spouse who is most motivated to save the marriage and will give you clear thinking strategies for your specific situation. Their solution-oriented and goal-focused approach provides fresh perspectives and skills you can implement immediately once you hang up the phone.
The hopelessness and confusion can understandably seem overwhelming, but the DB techniques do work rather quickly. If you would like to schedule a consultation, please give me a call at 303.444.7004 or 800.664.2435. I wish you all of the best.
Nancy
Nancy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
HD.the people he told were like a couple mutual friends. Then there was my parents and my brother that he told these things to. I was just so agitated by this. Because I wonder how he would like it if I told everyone that he was a low sex drive person. I am sure some whre deep down it would embarass him if people were told about that.
I really am not sure where to go from here. I am just working on this daily and sorting things out.
IJ Thanks for the great advice. I am being careful because I do know that I am vulnerable. I am the most confused I have ever been. In which if I am confused I think there must be some love some where in me for hubby.
Thanks for the advice and words of wisdom Green. I guess it just ticked me off so much because.....he won't accept the fact he is a LL in our marriage. At least he won't acknowledge it or work on it. He just ignores it. He KNOWS without one doubt this has caused huge problems in our marriage. Then even if a divorce is the route for us he isn't going to acceot any blame there either. It just really irked me.
It is just so weird because I guess this has finally taken a toll on me. I have no desire to have sex with him at all. I just look at him and try to find any sexy qualities about him. I can't find not one. Not mening he isn't good looking. But he doesn't have the sexy manly qualities that I find atrractive. Like confidence, independence, sex appeal. And the sex appeal is a major one. Feeling anything sexual about him is kinda like this...it would be like taking him to a makeup party. He isn't interested in makeup, he never talks about makeup, he never uses makeup. So why would I ever want to take him to a makeup party. Same thing with sex.....why would I want to force him to do something he shows zero interest in.
Nancy.............perhaps I should give it s shot to order a copy of sex starved marriage. My only fear of ordering it is so many times. Well, really the only relationship books I have read about sex starved marriage always relates to the way a man feels because his wife is holding out. I have never read or even heard of a book on this topic that women could relate to because their man is the LL spouse.
I am being careful because I do know that I am vulnerable. I am the most confused I have ever been. In which if I am confused I think there must be some love some where in me for hubby.