Well, Hope, here we are in the same boat again. One of us needs to get that motor started and make some waves out of here! You seem to have a head start. May you be successful in your strategy to stay cold. It's easy for me for a day or two or three, then I get tired of being a jerk like they are. I can't live my life and be like that, I don't know how, and I don't know how they can continue being like that day after day. Here's to keeping our hopes down. (hiccup and bubbles)
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I am glad you aren't hurting. I will be here anytime you need anything.
I am very happy you are keeping busy. The busier the better! You take care
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
I'd like you to take a view of the big picture and reconsider some of your current attitude.
First, he's the WAS. You're the person trying to act in the reality-based manner, trying to behave in ways that reflect true personal growth, and true unconditional love - for self, children, and H.
Second, keep low expectations, especially regarding him and his family. Of course they'll toe the family line - their HIS blood relatives, not yours.
Third, don't A$$ume - anything. He's not necessarily acting in a vindictive manner. He's just a self-centered oaf - as are all WASs at most points in time, especially those going thru MLC patterns. For him, its not about you. Its about him.
Fourth, for you, its all about YOU. Not him, not the OW, not the ILs - just you, Hon. So get those plans in gear - get ready to be more financially self-sufficient, give your clothing/appearance some alterations that stop him in his tracks and set his blood a-boiling, reminding him how he looked at you in the first days of your R. But do so to remind you as well - that you have so much to offer this world, yourself, another person.
Every time I'm down about my XW or my sitch, if I take a look at my GAL work, I find that I've let things slip, thus allowing my PMA to slip in turn. Take a look there, and see what you can do to amp it up again, give it 1-2 wks and see where you're at then, okay?
The detachment is a good thing, Hope. But your attitude needs some adjusting, as it doesn't seem sustainable or sincere. Positivity/growth is lasting. The rest is destructive and self-defeating over time.
First, he's the WAS. You're the person trying to act in the reality-based manner, trying to behave in ways that reflect true personal growth, and true unconditional love - for self, children, and H. I understand what you're saying, and I would agree, if I were trying to keep XH. I'm not. I've reached my point of enough, as much as it hurts. I do love him, but until he desides to fix himself, he's toxic to me and I can't live like that.
Second, keep low expectations, especially regarding him and his family. Of course they'll toe the family line - their HIS blood relatives, not yours. I have no expectations anymore. None, except that I can't count on him and that he's going to treat me like I don't exist. As for his family, I've had it with them too. It's one thing to treat me like crap but to treat a 11 year old that way is just mean.
Third, don't A$$ume - anything. He's not necessarily acting in a vindictive manner. He's just a self-centered oaf - as are all WASs at most points in time, especially those going thru MLC patterns. For him, its not about you. Its about him. Very true, but that doesn't mean I have to sit here and take it anymore. And while not all of his actions may not be vindictive, there are a lot that are. He's admitted to such.
Fourth, for you, its all about YOU. Not him, not the OW, not the ILs - just you, Hon. So get those plans in gear - get ready to be more financially self-sufficient, give your clothing/appearance some alterations that stop him in his tracks and set his blood a-boiling, reminding him how he looked at you in the first days of your R. But do so to remind you as well - that you have so much to offer this world, yourself, another person. Agreed. And this is where I'm putting all of my effort. But not for him, not to get him back, not to have a R with him, it has nothing to do with him anymore. I'm doing it all for me. Last summer I liked who I was. Over the past year I allowed XH to pick her apart and change her in what he wanted. Well I don't seem to know her much anymore and that's just wrong. I'm working very hard to get back to being that girl I was last year, not for XH, not for the kids (well some what), not for anyone else, but for me.
I know I'm being very negative right now, but I need this. I need to be angry to keep me going. To keep me from letting myself fall backwards again. I can't do this anymore guys.
Journaling... Last night was uneventful. My best friend came over and we worked on the halloween costumes. It was fun. XH pretty much stayed to himself. He did fix dinner which was nice. Of course he left all the dirty dishes out all over the place for me to clean up. I wouldn't have minded normally but I had just cleaned the kitchen and I had company over. Nothing else much to say.
Quote: I know I'm being very negative right now, but I need this. I need to be angry to keep me going. To keep me from letting myself fall backwards again. I can't do this anymore guys.
I think being angry is good. Anger often gives us the motivation, the inspiration to do what we need to- to pick ourselves up....to give up. It is a necessary step in the grieving process as well. I know that people around me were waiting for the anger to hit, cause they knew it would be a good sign. And the people around me knew that once the anger hit, I would be able to start using the anger to move on. It worked.
So...what is everyone for halloween? Any special plans?
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
This is may day so far, and it's not even 2pm yet.
The bus broke down on the way to work. I had to walk almost a mile in the cold. I got a run in my new pantyhose. XH called flipping out about the house, he now wants to sell it. My old yahoo account, along with some old emails that were important, got deleted. And now I've lost my debit card.
I'm really tired. I have a ton to do tonight. I just need a break from all this crap and can't seem to get one.
I'd love to do something to try to brighten your day. How about a joke? This one is one of my favorites:
Leprechaun in a bar
One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."
There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face. Then he ran back.
The guy with the box said, "I'll have another beer and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here." After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.
The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.
He said, "If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off." The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have peckers." Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers, then how do you pee?" "By spitting," said the leprechaun
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
You made me laugh. I hope it made Hopeful laugh too.
Hope....I know how bad days like that are. I have had them before. It seems when one thing goes wrong the whole day is a mess. When it rains it pours!!! Sometimes I feel like my life is one major rain storm anymore. I hope your evening turns out better. I don't know if you have ever seen the "Calgon" comercials but I wish sometimes they were true. I would love for Calgon to take me away. If I had the extra money to spend I would go away for a weekend. I feel the need for it right now. I just want to get away from home and all the memories and everything.
If things don't get better for you tonight just leave everything that isn't important until tomorrow. I am going to pray for you to have a better afternoon.
