Last week H called to talk to me about some bills and the taxes and we chatted companionably - so that without even thinking about it I asked him if he wanted to meet for a drink this week and fill each other in on one of the investment issues we were talking about?
It was a reflex, like I'd offer to a friend or a client - like "OK, I understand what you mean, but what about xyz? Shall we get together next week for a drink and talk it through?"
He sounded thrilled that I'd asked and immediately accepted. I said fine - I'll call to confirm.
I tried to call him thisafternoon to confirm and his phone was switched off. It's 5.30pm now and we were supposed to meet at 6.00pm.
I wish he'd just tell me he doesn't want me in his life, rather than this death by a thousand cuts that he seems intent on doing now.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
As I posted this - he did call to apologise for not calling earlier - he's been at a funeral today and is caught up, but could we get together tomorrow night - same time, same place.
Interesting .....
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Oh my Walkingback, Isn't this a surprising development! I shall be very interested to see how the meeting goes. Hope at the very least you will hear something that satisfies the soul in some small way. I want to say more, but it's skipping many chapters ahead so lets wait and see. I'll be anxious for your news some 24 hours from now my dear. Best of luck.
Thanks for asking Kismet. Yeah we met. It was awful.
He wanted to tell me that he and the op are moving to the coast (about 10 hours away) in October. His company recently changed hands and his salary took him out of the ball park for what the new management wanted to maintain on their books, so he came to an agreement that he’d stay there for 6 months and then resign. He’ll be closer to his daughter who’s just had a little girl, and in his words “I’m going because I want to go and op wants to come with me so she can if she wants”.
For the first time since this whole thing started I asked him about her. I said “so how’s life with op, you guys desperately in love?” (yeah, I know I know … but what do I have to lose now?) He said no, not desperately in love, but it’s good, they’ve known each other for 30 years and they’re “good friends”. It’s easy for him - is what he meant.
He talked about how this is all my fault. I left. I “forced him into getting married”, “he should never have married me” – he’s never said those things before, so it was kind of like a mini ‘bomb’.
I told him I was jealous that he was moving with op and that he preferred to be with her than me (another first - I’ve been a very disciplined DBer). He didn’t answer that.
I cried. So cross with myself. I cried in front of him. I said “well we better get divorced.” He agreed. I told him to do the paperwork and I’d sign whatever I had to. I left. Cried and cried – it was like at the beginning. That sort of crying that leaves your body weak and your eyes puffy for days. RFD17 kept up supplies of cups of tea and chocolate biscuits - god love her ... she said she'd never seen me look so "haggard" (she's a very honest girl when it comes to how someone looks )
In some ways I think I’ve been in denial all this time. It’s not like I want him back, if he came to my door today and said he wanted to get back together I’d laugh in his face – but I’d like him to want to.
Sooo, I’m recovering – again – time to face the music, pay the piper, onward and upwards.
My new kitchen is going into my house today, I’m off to a v. nice restaurant for a business dinner and b for boyfriend is heartily disappointed because he likes to “stay over” on Wednesday nights!! I guess life’s not too bad.
I haven’t done a lot of introspection about the whole thing. Last night after 4 or 5 glasses of wine I started writing a letter to him with everything I’d like to say that I’ve held my tongue about all last year – defend myself, tell him it’s not all my fault – but in the cold light of day when I read what I’d written I realised that even by telling him I’m thinking those things I would give him power over me that he doesn’t deserve.
I know it isn’t all my fault, I was there, I contributed, but so did he …it’s really unfair to blame me now – after all this time – horribly unfair.
I filled out the divorce papers myself today, I’ve had them signed and notarised and I’ll put them with his mail for him to collect this week.
I’m taking charge of my destiny.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Oh WB I am sorry. Even after all you have been through, that you can just have it all bought back again. (((((WB)))) big hugs.
In some ways I think I’ve been in denial all this time. It’s not like I want him back, if he came to my door today and said he wanted to get back together I’d laugh in his face – but I’d like him to want to.
Yes ditto, especially as his relationship with op doesn't seem to be the great love affair.
Oh well dust yourself off and get back on that horse. It really is his loss.
Hey don't be too hard on yourself. We are all human, well we are the "cheaters" aren't. That's besides the point. You slipped big deal, I am sure he has done much worse. You deserve better than this and should be proud of the way you have handled yourself through this whole ordeal. You are correct when you say that you control your destiny. Go out and make yourself happy, life is too short as we all know. Just remember this no matter what the outcome maybe you gave it your all and that's all you can do. Take care Don
I am sorry for this set back. But you have come so far that two steps back is not going to stop progress.
I am not sure what all your letter entailed but I am sure it was the long version of these words I know it isn’t all my fault, I was there, I contributed, but so did he …it’s really unfair to blame me now – after all this time – horribly unfair. hence they say it all. Maybe simply put you should just say that sentence to him and leave it as is.
Oh boy. My heart ached for you over this meeting. I wouldn't put too much emphasis on the cruel comments he made. I bet they aren't authentic and are intended to hurt you{getting you back still?!}, and to protect himself from the pain that this expression is concealing. I could relate to a lot of what you've said here. I myself have written a half dozen letters that are left saved on my computer. Just when I think there's nothing left to get out - I can come up with yet another. And even if your grief feels like it cut as deeply as the beginning of this ordeal, I bet you'll find you bounce back and find yourself recovering quickly. And I so understand how you just need him to want you regardless. I struggle with that exact sentiment. Like ok fine it's over. I just want him to want me. It's such a devastating rejection by someone who was supposed to cherish you. I've always felt you were just a few months ahead of the same experience and conclusions than I. I was so excited for you when he agreed to meet, I thought he would have at the least some sweet things to say and would share some thoughts that would bring better understanding and some peace to the situation. Those dangerous expectations getting the best of us still. I respect and admire how you've handled yourself all along and I know the universe has better things in store for you than this heartache. And of course you cried. It's the awful reality in your face. It's the most he's had to say since "err. no thanks." Pick yourself back up when you're ready girlie. I'm thinking of you.
)
I guess life’s not too bad. 