Quote: Heard all this before. In the absence of mistreatment and whatever else. If the HD spouse is being the spouse they should be and are meeting the needs of the other spouse emotionally and whatever else (as witnessed by the other spouse), then why the drop off in sex. I am really done with stories and excuses. If I am being the man she thinks I should be, and being the man I think I should be, what gives. There are things I do in our marriage because I should and because it makes my wife happy. If that were not the case, I do not know that I would be doing them. Why then is making time to be together physically such an issue? Why can't the marital sex come first and see how it affects all this other stuff that everybody is always saying affects the sex. Let's discuss.
I think it breaks down into at least three categories -
One - where the marriage has had issues over a period of time (this is usually found in the longer term marriages) that has caused resentments, usually unaddressed, that the LD can't/won't get over and therefore is unwilling to actively pursue a solution with their spouse.
Two - where the LD spouse enters the marriage with a strong sense of entitlement - I always picture the "rub my feet for X amount of time while I never do anything to reciprocate" people. This would include the "mom always did X" guys and the "men are all pigs" gals.
Three - where the HD spouse is difficult/abusive/cold/etc. and has squelched whatever interest the LD spouse might have had to work toward a solution.
I've read through some of your older posts. There appears to be ongoing angry, destructive words thrown at each other and it appears that there are few boundary lines drawn that you both agree not to cross in anger.
I agree that the sexual issues should be worked on at exactly the same time that the other marital issues are being dealt with.
In regards to the "get it before I go to sleep". My response would be something along the lines of "I find that phrase incredibly insulting and hurtful. I don't think of you as a piece of meat that I can grab a bit of as you're dozing off and it is offensive to me that your words attempt to place me in that position. I would appreciate it if you would never use it again to me. I want to make love to you. I understand that you may not want to as much as I do, but I am asking that you share this with me with kindness and caring."
Or something like that.
Address the offensive *words* that get used over and over. Let her know what you find verbally offensive. Let her know each time she does it by telling her so.
Why can't the marital sex come first and see how it affects all this other stuff that everybody is always saying affects the sex. Let's discuss.
In my case nothing ever got addressed while we were having sex on a regular basis. And the resentment of being expected to have sex when other aspects of the relationship lacked grew to the point that sex became a huge void between us. As that void became more massive sex became less frequent. Bringing about that endless circle of sex based fights that became more like a power struggle. I wanted to work on what I saw as the real problems he wanted to have sex.
Regarding the "appt.", I CAN IDENTIFY AND RELATE! I took my wife out, showed her an excellent time, and while we caught a movie, she whispered in my ear that she is "going to make me moan" when we get home. I get home and it was if she NEVER said it, and ALL NIGHT I thought of us "moaning" together. Needless to say, I was extremely hurt.. LD women don't realize that those comments really affect us HD men!
The missed sexual appointment was fairly frequent in the chromo household. Many times there was a promise of a later sexual encounter, that never materialized. VERY frustrating to say the least.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
