First time posting here, but read the book about two years ago. Loved the book, but still ended up with a divorce. Crazy thing, we are dating and "exclusive". A little history........ Met wife in hometown in Ohio. Dated about 3-4 months when she moved out to the westcoast. Lived together for almost seven years before I proposed under the "ultimatium act". Was married almost 3 years later. After first year wanted to leave but had "done some soul searching and had found herself". Then entire time our relationship was was very rocky with her angry and verbally violent. On our wedding day she was angry at me because she was influenced by other to be angry as well. Convinced her to go thru with the wedding and go from there. On our honey moon she actually punched me out of anger. (Oh, by the way, did I mention she was sexually abused as child/teen? Found out much later in the relationship) After we had our 3rd wedding anniversary, it was only 3 weeks before she left! I asked her a few days before she left if there was someone else and she immediately answered "NO". I was comfortable with that answer. About a week later she came over and gave me the "it's too late, I love you, I'm just not in love you" answers. Then she finally gave me the "there's someone else" bomb. Of course I was spinning and ushered here out the door as quickly as possible. The next day I went and found out about divorce, changed bank accounts, locks, etc. I wrote her an e-mail and said I was divorcing her and wanted her to communicate only by e-mail. She called and left a message asking "is this really what I wanted?" I of course caved and didn't go thru with it at the time. About 4 months of not knowing what was going on, I pressed her in a phone conversation what she wanted. I was originally going to file for legal seperation, but she finally said she wanted a divorce. So that is what I filed. We were divorced in June of '04. She didn't know that she was until 2 months later. ( Long story, just ask) She was very upset when she found out. A few more months go by and she starts calling and finally coming around. We start seeing more of each other and things "seem" OK. Then I find a card to her ex-boss saying she will always love him and there will be a special place in her heart for him. Looks like she is breaking up with him. I start leaving "hints" about if she knew ******. She claimed she knew noone of this name. A couple of months more go by and a few more hints. Nothing. Finally I spill the beans as to what I had found. At first she denied, then admitted. Asked if she had slept with him (I knew she had, just wanted her to admit) She said "NO". After asking a few more times she finally admitted. She said she "thought that I should know". A few more months go by and I discover that he is still married! Wow, what a blow! Few more months go by and I ask her about a specific piece of furniture she used to have. Caught her totally off guard and she came up with an excuse that it "broke and she got rid of it". I again asked her on the way home and she became angry and said just drop it. Whew! Now my question: I seem to have a problem asserting myself. I really want to know,after she tried to hide and deny, what the real stroy is. Should I tell her and not talk to her until I get the answer or what? I'm one of those people who can handle the truth easier that guessing what it may be. Also this is not the first time she has lied, so the trust factor is really, really low. Any advice appreciated!
No, you don't have trouble asserting yourself; you are constantly cross-examing her. That comment you made about her not knowing she was divorced and was unhappy about is absurd.
I have NO idea what the current status of the relationship is, if any.
But I will say from what I was able to discern, if she is back in your life and you want her to stay, then quit accusing her and confronting her at every turn.
This is not remotely healthy or productive for any relationship. It would seem from her perspective, you do not handle the truth well, she is afraid to tell you anything. And you see her as secretive, which she may be.
This is a precarious dynamic and requires a number of changes and a great deal of work on both parts.
I guess it's a little hard to really know me in that rambling tirade that I just posted. The problem I have with asserting myself is when she lies or does mean things to me I have always just "blown them off" because it was easier than the final outcome, which was blow out. Right know , we see each other on weekends and talk daily. I love her dearly, it's just hard when she did a WAW and cheated. This was something we had talked about extensively. She lied many, many times. About money, cheating, feelings, etc. The past abuse has created this. She had the second longest wall built in the world. It's the wall she puts up every time a "hard" discussion needs to be had. She has said that she doesn't want to say anything for fear of me "throwing it in her face." The problem is she can never give me any examples. She creates many situations due to her childhood. All I really want is the truth to what went on when she was lying all the time she was gone. She paints a picture of nothing happened. I have found out alot of things happened. Why lie? doesn't the truth set you free? The lying hurts far more than the actual event. When she did tell me about the other guy and who he was, it was like a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. And I didn't give her any grief about it. I don't want to be a door mat with her anymore. In the relationship, I was the giver and she was the taker. I know it takes time to develop a relationship, but this one has been "developing" for about 14 years. I want things to change with her actions and in the past I did not enforce it, I just let it slide and let her run all over me. Bruce, thank you for giving me your opinion. I really appreciate it. I just need to give more info to accurately give the facts. I realize BOTH parties are responsible, just some more than others. I truly believe this in my case. Sexual abuse to a child creates many long lasting problems. Add to that a terrible family structure with ALL 10 kids in her family divorced and multiple kids from multiple fathers and you start to see that maybe it's not the rest of the world, maybe it is them. For the first half to two-thirds of our relationship I was Mr. Wonderful. Flowers, gifts, help financially, always taking charge of things like houses, rent, etc. Always compliments, cards, vacations, cars, etc. After getting steamrolled so much I finally decided to stand up for myself and defend myself. EVERY vacation she created a fight. Sex was maybe once a month, usually every two. When she first moved to the west coast with her sister, in the first month she was with someone else and we were still seeing each other. I could go on for hours but hopefully I have given a little picture of what I have gone thru. Again thank you for your reply. You did make me realize a few things and I really appreciate it!
Ellie, you have hit the nail on the head. I am just starting to realize that and am starting to investigate this. Thanks for the referral. We have also talked about counseling, but that has never been a positive thing. Of the 10 or so different counselors we/she has tried they have all been short lived with little results. However, we have been reading together and commenting on together the book "The Divorce Remedy" by Michele. It has probably provide them most conversation in 14 years! Crossing my fingers! Thanks again!
This will probably come across as a little harsh. It sounds to me that you have a budding relationship and hope for a future with her. Unfortunately I don't know if it sounds like the start of a healthy relationship. It sounds like one that can only end in heartache again unless you change the dynamic. I don't think at this point that either one of you are ready to try again.
It's understandable, but not helpful, for you to continue to grill her about this affair. You are divorced! To me, the divorce decree is another way of saying that you have given up the right to keep beating that dead horse. I know you want to know all the gory details, but if it's over does it really matter? You are likely going to push her away. You have major trust issues and resentment. I'm sure she does nothing to allay these fears, but trust is something you have to work on between the two of you. Things seem on the right track, but you probably should take the advice and read the book about dealing with an affair. Don't do the..."should I just go dark on her until she tells everything about the affair?" routine.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
This will probably come across as a little harsh. It sounds to me that you have a budding relationship and hope for a future with her. Unfortunately I don't know if it sounds like the start of a healthy relationship. It sounds like one that can only end in heartache again unless you change the dynamic. I don't think at this point that either one of you are ready to try again.
It's understandable, but not helpful, for you to continue to grill her about this affair. You are divorced! To me, the divorce decree is another way of saying that you have given up the right to keep beating that dead horse. I know you want to know all the gory details, but if it's over does it really matter? You are likely going to push her away. You have major trust issues and resentment. I'm sure she does nothing to allay these fears, but trust is something you have to work on between the two of you. Things seem on the right track, but you probably should take the advice and read the book about dealing with an affair. Don't do the..."should I just go dark on her until she tells everything about the affair?" routine.
Me
Hi Joe! By no means does this sound harsh. You are right about changing the dynamic, I am just clueless about how to do it. I did go and buy the book last night, so hopefully that will help. She say's she is wanting to make this work. I want this to work also. As far as the divorce being the end of all questions, I'm not sure about that. Of course I wanted to work things out, but she souldn't hear of it. Mr. Wonderful was telling her how great she was with out knowing anything about her past, etc. But we all know this is what happens. She has taken little responsibility for this being any of her fault. She keeps saying she won't tell me anything for fear of throwing it up in her face, but that is what she constantly does to me. It's like the person who usually is saying the other one is having an affair when actually they are having the affair. Which in this case is also true. I just don't want to find out other things later and have the wounds open up again. I would rather deal with them now, process them and get on with life! As some of the books have said, "it's worse than death" when an affair happens! Again thanks for the ear and the advice!
I read your post and I guess I can't understand what good will come out of the relationship for either of you. Deceit, lies, lack of trust, etc. It's not a fluke or a mistake after many years of loving marriage. I can understand why you'd want to stay together - the history, the many years invested, the memory of the good times, the thought that maybe you love her and she might still love you, etc. But all that is gone. From the surface it seems like there are too many issues to overcome. You're young, why not think about moving on? You gave yourself a fresh start on life with the divorce. I would never recommend divorce to anyone, but your are divorced. Make the most of it.
