Most on this board now will not remember me and my sitch, almost three years have gone by and from the outside all seems well. From the standard ILYNILWY, facilitation etc etc to what in all appearances is a perfect reconstituted marriage. My W now says she loves me with all her heart and soul and tries (tries so very hard) to give me what I need. She dotes on me and is jealous and possesive, supportive and caring.
Of course she is, I reconstructed myself into the perfect human -- packed on 80 pounds of lean muscle, dyed my hair, styled the beard, I dress extremely well and have always been good with the spoken word. I listen actively and support her in her choices -- only giving advice when directly asked and never underestimating the truth and validity of her feelings.
But, somewhere in all of this some critical bolt or nut has stripped it's threads and I have come apart at the seams. I don't know if it's the stress of constantly being perfect or what ( OK, truth -0- not always perfect but much, much more so than you would believe).
I still don't get what I need -- asking has resulted in attempts and I know from what she gives me in her own language that she indeed does love me, it just doesn't speak to me in my heart and something gets lost in the translation.
So, the latest in the saga -- it seems I have turned into my a__hole father. In the last 3 months away at work, I have had three sexual affairs with women younger than I'd like to admit. None have been truely satisfying in all regards but nonetheless I got some emotional satisfaction from the liasons -- these were not one night encounters and two of them are ongoing right now.
I know that I am not being good and kind to these girls, they truely believe (despite my explicit words to the effect that I am not a nice man) that they have feelings for me that are reciprocated -- I don't think I can ever truely love anyone again, not even myself.
One good thing is that I no longer suffer from PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) now more flashbacks to the emotional environment of the discovery, in fact I can quiet easily think about it without the huge emotional overload of feeling it all over again without the comforting blanket of faded rememberance -- thats all gone, replaced by dispair and disgust at what I have become.
Be careful friends, check those critical bits and pieces.
Peace Out
Brought to you by a preadapted, preeminent analysis engine, and therein lies the root of all evil.
I mean, I know how uncomfortable it can be, day in and day out, risking intimacy and being vulnerable with a spouse who has inexplicably wounded you so badly.
And I know what it is like, even on a good day, to have the words "I want a divorce" pop unexpectedly into your head.
And I know what it is like to wish, just a little bit, that your spouse could experience the horrible pain of finding you in an affair, if only so they would understand what kind of pain they inflicted on you.
And I know what it is like to look at the opposite sex with a new-found sense of possibility - where what once was unthinkable now enters your mind, because your spouse did it.
I know all these things, and I suspect most long-time Piecers have felt some or all of this.
So before I get into specifics, just remember that, to some extent, I feel your pain, okay?
Quote: these were not one night encounters and two of them are ongoing right now.
I know that I am not being good and kind to these girls, they truely believe (despite my explicit words to the effect that I am not a nice man) that they have feelings for me that are reciprocated
Yes, this is the weakness of women, that even when a guy tells them upfront that he is not in the R for a good reason, they choose to believe it is something it is not. Some of it has to do with increased sensitivity to oxytocin, the bonding hormone that is released during orgasm and during childbirth. Some of it has to do with low self-esteem, that they do not believe they are worthy of a guy who gives them more than crumbs. Some of it has to do with seeking validation through men - and boy, if you can catch the difficult one, that must REALLY validate you, right???
You're right, what you are doing is taking advantage of these women, it is very wrong and unfair, and you'd better stop it before one of them plays the trump card of pregnancy or gives you a STD. You are using them and that's unfair.
Now - on to the real crux of the matter - your R with your W:
Quote: She dotes on me and is jealous and possesive, supportive and caring.
Of course she is, I reconstructed myself into the perfect human -- packed on 80 pounds of lean muscle, dyed my hair, styled the beard, I dress extremely well and have always been good with the spoken word. I listen actively and support her in her choices -- only giving advice when directly asked and never underestimating the truth and validity of her feelings.
I sense an underlying fear here, that she doesn't love you for YOU, and that if you slip in any aspect you will lose her. I know - I've got a lot of that too. I was from the "if you love me, you'd love me just the way I am" school of thought. But you know what? I have to admit I like the changes I made for my H. And the biggest, most important changes were in caring better for myself. And that does not make my H superfical, just human. And only time will fade that fear.
Quote: I still don't get what I need -- asking has resulted in attempts and I know from what she gives me in her own language that she indeed does love me, it just doesn't speak to me in my heart and something gets lost in the translation.
So - what IS it you need from her? And how are you asking for it? Have you both read the Five Love Languages? Have you read it lately? Is she not meeting your needs sexually? Let us know a little more and maybe I can offer more concrete advice on that part.
As for the PTSD part - yes, I hear you. Between my H and then my D's eating disorder the next year, I still have days where I feel like I can feel the earth shifting beneath my feet.
And here comes the other question - do you think it's possible that this whole sitch has sent YOU into a depression? And that you've been doing the classic "let's treat my depression with the dopamine drug of infatuation?". In which case - it's time to forgive your W, because you have become her.
I find this question running thru my mind so often - after becoming a new person in the name of saving the marriage, is it who I really am? I am sure my H is asking the same questions. Will I like myself in the future?
Utterly, your multiple affairs are pumping your ego, but that infatuation will fade also. You are then left with wondering how to keep all the balls in the air, and they will start dropping and hitting the ground. What will be next? Is your perfectness fading and your wife is watching? Are you sure she thinks you are as perfect as you do?
Does your wife know what you need, as well as how you need it? She could be struggling with these very same questions.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
It is done, the balls have come out of the air in a most spectacular fashion. It is very likely that I will never again have to worry about what my w thinks of me.
She is changing her name today, filing papers within the week and I have found myself to be a complete ruin. So now it is back to the drawing board, time to clean house and start fresh.
My real concern is for my kids. The last time they were young enough that what was happening was a very nebulous thing for them, but now they know exactly what is happening and I have destroyed something precious -- their innocence.
In their voices I don't hear the same love as before -- in their minds I have destroyed their family, their security -- all for nothing of any value.
Utterly Stupid
Brought to you by a preadapted, preeminent analysis engine, and therein lies the root of all evil.
I think Dr Phil would've said you had a problem with impulse control, but there is probably more there than just that. Life is about choices. You knew that when you had the affairs, if you got anything out of this bb three years ago. Time to work on yourself again - this time, from the inside. Or not ... your choice. At least, you seem remorseful, but you must've realised that when you were betraying your wife, you were also betraying your children, and their sense of security.
Good luck!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
