(((WCW))) I have no advice for you. I think you are a great person for deciding to keep at this. Our H/XH are so much alike right now. I hope that we both have made the right choice in what we're doing.
Quote: He and a horse were having a disagreement, I must have stepped in the middle of them and led the horse away for H to cool down. For years now I have wondered why H doesn't do anything with that horse now. Last year in rage he finally told me that story and that's why, because I tried to cool off the situation.
Wow. Now there's a man who holds a grudge! How miserable for him.
I got no advice for you-suprise, suprise. But, I just wanted to let you know that I've been following your sitch because I grew up with horses. My life hasn't brought me back to them so far, but maybe one day...
And I SO hear you when you said earlier that you are tired of putting off important decisions/plans because your communications with H are pitiful. I have different important decisions to make. But, my communications with H are pitiful as well, and I feel helpless to move forward with my life without that information I need from H so bad. But, then, you can't push the issue, or you're not supposed too....*sigh*
THANK YOU, HF and OP04. I am grateful for any response. I am feeling very alone and lonely today, even while sitting in a room full of people. I just want to cry, and I'm sure it is because of how things are with H this week. I miss so much even the crumbs he throws my way, and this week there hasn't even been that. I'm also sure it is because I have been distant from him. It is our pattern. He will not crack, it is always up to me to try to close the gap. That's against DB'ing, to pursue. So the last time I held out and waited months and months before I tried to close the gap he had already found OW and was on his way out the door, and has been on the way out the door ever since. H and OW are still in contact, although I do not feel at the same level as last year. So if I leave that gap he will fill it with someone else who is still ready and waiting. He said he doesn't think he can have feelings for me again. He also says he doesn't think about us. So if he doesn't think about us then how does he think he can't have feelings again? Is it time to kick him in the butt and push him away and let him and I both face reality without the other, or try once again to pull him close? Before his trip, I was really feeling positive, skeptical but like I belonged here in Piecing. Now I don't feel like I belong anywhere. Sure, I can wait for the crumbs to start dropping again. Then what.
I have to somehow start making decisions about finances etc, and getting on with life. I already know from past history that H will not like it, and will balk and bawl like a branded castrated calf about all of it, and then in months to come throw it back in my face how I don't include him and ask him about things. Either way I suffer, but I need to slap the lines and get this horse and buggy started again.
OP04, tell me more about when you had horses?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I'm really sorry that you are having a rough time. I wonder if the short days are effecting you like they do me?
Remember, the only thing that is against DBing is continuing to do things that aren't working.
Okay, something I've been sitting on now...go back and look at your posts before your H's trip. Then look at the posts right before and since. Notice anything? What were you doing differently before and what was the result? What are you doing now and what is the result?
Can I offer my opinion? I think that before the trip you were taking care of yourself and happy, managing to stay a bit dettached to keep yourself healthy, and weren't pressuring your H. And the result was that he slept in your bed a couple of nights and appeared to be warming up a bit. Since then?...you've been pressuring him; been angry with him; delivered some ultimatums. The result: you are pulling away from each other.
Just my observation. I could be wrong.
I know that sometimes it just feels easier to be down and out and not have to work so hard. Maybe get some rest, take a day or two off of the DBing, and then start thinking about what you were doing before that seemed to be generating positive feelings before the trip.
Also, I know that bigAl said to hell with the book, but what are your short term goals? Do you still have them/track them?
Are you sure our Hs aren't the same person??? Both took a trip, telling us last minute. Both came back more distant than before. Both spew the same lines of crap (almost word for word). Both treat us the same way. And you know what? Both are going to lose women who love them very much.
I know what you're going through. I know what you're feeling. I hate to think that there is anyone else out there having to go through this like I am. It sucks and it's not fair. It's all about them and them being happy, with no care to who they hurt in their search. And in the end, until they fix themselves, they will never find it. But we'll still be left to behind take deal with the pain and lose.
You are such a strong woman. You would have to be to put up with this crap for as long as you have. I couldn't do it after only five months, you've done it for years. Just know I'm thinking of you. No matter what happens I know you will make it and be a better person for it. I honestly believe our happiness is out there somewhere, waiting for us, and we will find it. (my email is dancingwithtime@yahoo.com if you need me)
Good observation Zen. Don't let yourself get sucked down WCW. As far as the problems, you have to face them, do your best. Yes you might have to deal with his temper tantrum, but deal with it now.
You are never alone here, please remember that. I have no words of wisdom as you have seen my recent update but you are an amazing woman with wonderful qualities. You have grace, wisdom and determination on a level I wish I was close to.
Keep your chin up and you still have my email address if you want to vent.
You are right, my ZenMan. Things were SO much better before his trip. I felt it, but was it real? While I thought we were getting better H was planning his trip without me, making airline reservations, getting his hunting permit, talking to his kids and planning. Remember one night I was so sick and coughing and gagging that I walked outside and H was outside on the phone. He hung up and told me he was on the phone with his youngest son, I was so happy that he shared that with me. Yeah! PMA up! But you know what? that would be one of those calls that he was planning his trip with his son, and yet he couldn't remember to tell me about the trip even though he JUST hung up the phone when he saw me come outside. All these things I am looking for and hanging on, the best parts, I don't think they are real life. They are only real in my mind. But yes, it was still better. I was so busy with volunteer stuff, keeping everyone else happy, coming down off that trip at the end of September.......is that it? clutter my life with so many things that I can't think about my marriage? I'll get worn out! I can't keep up that pace, and I can't keep up this pace with H either.
My short term goals haven't changed - I'd still like hugs and sleep together at night. I can't get onto square one with those goals.
Hope and Lost, you think I am strong and amazing? I don't feel it. I feel pathetic. H called me at work, I was about in tears just thinking about this week, and as soon as I heard his voice my heart raced. How sick is that? He talked about a horse coming in and when to pick it up, working out when and how. I asked if it was a hard to load in the trailer type horse, if it would take us both and if he would be around to help (we really are an amazing team when it comes to hard to load horses, people make comments). He avoided that question, it is Thursday (OW day), and then called back (my heart raced again) to say he had it all set up for me to pick up the horse at 5pm today and he thinks the owner will be there to help me. Okay, buddy, thanks.
Phoenix, you are right, I have to take care of some of the problems that won't go away without attention. Financial stuff and deadlines that will create larger problems left unattended. H's tantrums are the lesser of two evils when it comes to checkbooks. Wish me luck.
I have to get this off my shoulders before I blurt it out to H. On Monday was an anniversary of my own. It was 13 years ago I had a fluke accident with my horse and ended up in ICU and then some hospital time. H was not yet H at that time, and he was half way across the country. While in the emergency room, my parents showed up, and I asked them to call 'boyfriend' and let him know about me. He arranged his schedule so that he could drive here asap to spend at least a few days with me. I know there is no way he would remember that day and I didn't expect him too. But it is another reason why I was so happy to see him return from his trip and I wanted to connect with him again. His rejection this time was even more hurtful than normal. Normal I can usually stand up to his rejection better than this, but that day was extra special important to me to be close to him. I know, I shouldn't have let my expectations get warm and raise like bread dough. I just get punched back down.
Okay, enough! buck up WCW! get over your pity party! No one slapped me so I had to slap myself. I have to take off soon to go get a pass for this ski season, H is on Ski Patrol at a local hill so I can ski free. I don't really ski well, I slide, fall, get up, slide, fall, get up, and eventually end up at the bottom of the slope. A good night for me is if I only fall once per run. Then I go get the horse the H lined up, I need to ride MY horse to practice for our event this weekend, Friday is work and hauling another horse by request from another friend, Saturday is volunteer at a club event and get ready for our event at our place on Sunday. You asked for it ZenMan, I'll be so busy that I can't dwell on H for a few days. Just what the doctor ordered.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW didn't mean to make you feel worse with the compliments. I just want you to know that you are a good person that deserves wonderful things even though right now it feels like you are constantly mucking stalls with no end in sight.
We also all have our moments of feeling pathetic and the extreme range of emotions from tears to heart racing. You will get back to the peak, remember this is just one of the downhills on the rollercoaster.
LIW is right--you are a wonderful perosn who deserves wonderful things. It's hard to see that when you feel like hell, but we see it, and it's our job to remind you that you are more than this marriage. I don't mean that you should give up! We are all more than someone else's spouse, even when our marriages are going well.
Zenmaster is also right: you've slid off the road a little here. Aren't you the same WCW who was telling me to stay somewhere between worst-case and best-case scenarios in my imagination and expectations? You were right. And in terms of GAL, it isn't a question of cluttering your life and killing time but focusing on what makes you feel good right now, like skiing and teaching that little girl you write about so enthusiastically. So get back up on that horse and do it for yourself!
(my email is