Yesterday, I got the baby and went home. He went down for a nap. I saw on my cell phone that our bank had called, but not left a message. Well, H usually deals with them, so I thought maybe they called his phone and left a message. They do not have his new company cell number, so I checked his old cell. Well, no message or missed call from the bank. However, there was a message from OW! I was floored. The message said "I miscarried, thought you should know!" OMG. I immediately felt sick. I didn't know what to do. Even though I pretty much knew that H never told me the truth about Laura, I still guess I wanted to beleive that he hadn't well, you know. Then I started thinking maybe it was Laura's boyfriends baby and H was just her friend and she wanted him to know. Wishful thinking right. So, I called the friend of mine that had been helping me through all this. She was floored too, but said that I knew he had done what I feared and that I chose to stay and work it out knowing that, so this really shouldn't change much. Also, this was really good evidence that H had not talked to OW since he said he wouldn't. B/C he doesn't use the old cell anymore and that is where she sent that message.
I didn't know what I was going to do. I still didn't want to give up on us, but I HAVE to have the truth. No more lies!!!!! I knew this was something I couldn't just blow off like I tried to do with the I love you message. I did, however, know that I did not want the baby to be in the middle of this and I couldn't take him to my parents b/c then they would suspect which I think they thought something was up anyway. But that is besides the point.
Well, against my better judgement, I called L again. Mainly b/c I thought that if H had confided anything about this to him and perhaps it was totally not what it looked like then maybe L could set me straight and I wouldn't have to bring it up. Well, L did not know anything. He said that H had seemed happy and that everything was good. He also said he truly didn't think that H had been talking to OW. Well, I spoke to the friend of mine right after I got the message b/c I didn't know what to do. She thought I should call OW. So, I tried to call her and she wouldn't answer the phone. So, then I text messaged her and said "Are you there?" Of course pretending to be H. She messaged me back and said "I don't know what I have done to deserve this, but everything happens for a reason right?" So, I decided to reply "as H", but needed something clever that would get the truth out of her w/o her suspecting it was me. So, I responded and said "yes, I am sorry it happened. Maybe it was a blessing in disguise." She replied back and said "How do you figure. The only positive is that it gets you off the hook. My 1st pregnancy, I miscarried, and trying to cope." Well, that confirmed my worst fear, but like my friend said I pretty much new what he had done. And as bad as it sounds, I truly think it was a blessing in disguise for everyone. Although,my friend thinks that OW is lying about ever being pregnant. Anyway, I was pissed off and I send her a message back that said "you and H must think I am really stupid, but I have known the truth ever since you fed me that bs on the phone. Karma is a b&*ch, b&*ch!. By the way this is his wife!" She wrote back and said "we haven't even talked, he wants to make things work with you. You should be happy you are not in my situation. I didn't know anything about you until that day you called me. I can understand being angry, but you should point the finger at your husband." She also said that she lied to me b/c she didn't want me to feel the way that she did. Whatever that didn't make much sense to me. But I messaged her back one last time, and said "why don't you tell me the truth." Then before I headed home to face H, I tried to call OW. She still didn't answer.
I went home still not know what I was going to say. H knew something was up, b/c I had been gone a long time. I left both my cell and H's cell in my car for a reason. I walked in the door and H was on his new work computer. He was also messing with the satellite. I asked if it was working he said no. Then he asked where the baby was. I told him he was at L's b/c I didn't know what would happen when I asked him a question. He just looked at me. I sat down and said. "You got a text message on your old phone today." I told him what it said. He just kind of shrugged his shoulders and said it didn't have anything to do with him. He said it several times. He tried to look me in the eyes, but I could tell he was lying. I was calm and not crying. I was proud of myself. So, then I told him about the message that said all it did was let him off the hook! He just stared at his computer. I knew he was having a hard time telling me the truth, so I said. "You can either tell me the whole truth and we can work through this together or you can give up and leave again." He said, "If I wanted to leave he wouldn't be here." Ok, so I told him I have questions. I asked him how long he had been talking to her. He said he talked to her the entire time he was in Dallas, as friends b/c he and his buddies went to eat there all the time." So I asked when the first thought of anything happening at all came up. He said the last week he was in Dallas. That was the only partial truth to his first story and the fact that he said it happened twice because he told me that he went out with OW twice. Anyway, he told me he just didn't know what to say. He said, "you know how when I get on you about the house and there isn't anything you can say, all you can do is try harder or keep doing what your doing. He said that there was nothing he could say to make it better, that all he could do was keep trying to be a better husband. He said he was just so ashamed and that is why he couldn't tell me. He told me he knew it was hard for me and it hurt me, but he said that he thinks about the mistake every day.
I think I left out an important part of the very first conversation/blow up that H and I had. Back before I ever found the panties. This was when H was telling me that he was so miserable and lost. He told me that Thurs. night before I found the panties on that Sunday that he had thought about killing himself.
Back to last night's conversation. He told me that the reason he thought about killing himself was b/c he was going to have to live with the mistake he made. That he was so ashamed. He told me that he would have given up and not come home last month after he left, but he thought about one day not too long after he and I met. He was sitting down with some older ladies he worked with and was telling them how beautiful I was and how awesome I was and that he couldn't ever see himself with anyone else, etc. He said that is what made him come home, but he said that is also a big thing that makes him even more ashamed. I don't know. I know I love him and that he hasn't contacted her since he told me he wouldn't. I know the entire truth now, surely. I don't think it could get much worse. I told him that I did love him more than anything. I told him now OW is a bitch, and I wasn't excusing him for what he did, but I knew him. I knew the hell he has been through and how he was all messed up and nothing seemed right at the time. I told him I knew with all my heart this never would have happened had he not had to go go Iraq. He agreed. I told him that this can NEVER EVER EVER happen again. The whole time I was saying that he was shaking his head no. I can honestly say I do not think he will ever do anything like this again. I honestly believe him. I told him that things were getting better even though I was carrying around the doubt in my head that he hadn't told me the truth and the fact that he messaged her I love you, and I thought that since I knew everything now it could only get better. I asked him if that made sense and he said "I guess." I also told him that whether we are apart or together (which I want to be together) then we will both still have to live with this. I asked him why he did it, he said he couldn't put it into words. He said that one reason he thought was b/c he felt like he needed to be with someone that wanted to be with him. He said he didn't go looking for it, it just happened. Well, they all say that, right? But I do understand how he might have felt negected by me b/c the baby slept right next to the bed and I seemed to always roll over to the baby. But I never not wanted to be H. Anyway, he didn't ever really look at me. I think it was hard for him. He did ask me what L and his wife said. I told him that I just needed a favor and that is what I told them. They knew something was up. He said he did too. He asked if I told them. I hesitated, but I don't want to start lying. L would eventually say something. So I told him I had told them all about it. He got mad. I tried to explain my reasoning for telling. He said GD don't you get that L can't keep his mouth closed. Now the entire shop was going to know about it. I said, I am sorry, but don't get mad at me. He said no, it is my fault you had to say anything in the first place. I just tried to explain again why I told them, and said I would tell L not to tell. H just said to let it go. But, H seemed to clam up more after that. Then we went to run a quick errand and he really wasn't saying anything to me. I had to start conversation with some kind of question about plans we had for the weekend or something. At least he wasn't just giving me yes or no answers. He actually followed his answers up with a little more info than I asked for, so that was good I guess. But he didn't want to go to L and his wife's with me to get the baby. He just told me how ashamed he was and embarrassed. He was even embarrassed with me about it.
So, I went to pick up the baby. I figured that if H didn't even know OW was pregnant, then he must be pretty flustered and needed that alone time to process everything. When I got in the car there was a text message from Laura. It said "I will call you tomorrow." I wonder who she was talking to? Me? I was the last one to text message her and I asked her if she would tell me the truth." If so, I guess I will listen, but don't think I can believe a word she says. I won't be that nice either. I will also tell her NEVER NEVER NEVER to call H again! And if she wanted to talk to him, well that isn't gonna happen b/c I have his phone. As far as she knows he doesn't even have a new phone number.
When I went to get the baby of course they wanted to know how things went. I told them most of it, hoping L wouldn't run to H and tell all. L just said that H would eventually tell him about it. I couldn't just leave them hanging with how things went. I had to tell them. I hope he doesn't get mad at me again. Oh yeah, I asked H if this all made him want to call her. He said no, why would it? He said he didn't care about her. He said he didn't care what I said to her, etc. So, that is good. I also remember before I left L's house to go confront H last night L told me again that he truly didn't think H had talked to her since he told me he wouldn't and that from their last conversation when he told him he wasn't talking to her anymore. H kind of acted like OW just wouldn't let it go. My friends wonder if OW wasn't lying about being pregnant in the first place. I wonder myself. She lied to H and I about what she told me on the phone the first time we talked. Who knows. May have been her plan to get a reaction from him since he wasn't talking to her.
H was in bed when I got home with the baby. He didn't say anything to me. I tried to rub his arm and his back let him know that I really do still love him and can forgive him. He shouldn't have to pay for a mistake for the rest of his life or be ashamed every day. That needs to go away eventually. I think it can. He got up this morning and really didn't say anything to me either. He was ok I guess, but not overly thrilled. I tried to be up beat and gave him a kiss, an i love you, and a have a good day before I left. He was receptive to that. Anyway, that is all I know. As of now I am trying to stick it out and work this out. Am I being unlrealistic when I think things can be like they were or if they have to be different is it possible for them to be better than they were? Just in a different way maybe. I just don't know. I don't want to be stupid either. I love him with all my heart despite everything. I need opinions. Is this salvageable. I don't want to say I am staying for my family b/c I want us to be together b/c we love each other and our baby more than anything. Does that make sense? I just need your thoughts. Thanks so much for your help and support.
Hi Peg! I know it's hard when your emotions are churning and you've gone through it all again in order to type it out. But it takes people awhile to digest a long post and then formulate a good response. No matter how things work out for you, you're going to get a lesson in patience from all this, so consider waiting for interactions on this board to be your first little example of that.
I'll say this much before thinking on it some more...if he's truly ready to recommit himself to your marriage there's no reason it can't be saved, and possibly even improved, if you're able to forgive and move forward, as long as both of you are willing to put in lots of work.
Oh, and let me add that you're still going to be better served by keeping all your posts in one thread. It starts getting to be work if people have to flip around among different threads to keep track of your sitch.
Last edited by Burgbud; 10/06/0506:49 PM.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
From your posts, it seems that you have a lot on your mind and heart. I get the impression that your mind is racing. From your other post, it sounds like H's experience in Iraq has really affected him. In my case, I found some peace in understanding WAW's past experiences and how it affected her current feelings and reactions to those feelings. In your case, I'd suggest learning as much as you can about post tramatic stress. H may be exeriencing this and reacting to it. Also read the DR book and read broadly on the subject of marriage and realtionships.
In the future, shorter posts with summerized details may result in more responses.
It sounds like some things are going ok for you & H.
I see soo many positives in your post. H is with you. At many levels he has shown remorse and wants it to work. There is no baby with OW. Stop focusing on OW. You have an opportunity to rebuild. Your child will have a full time father. It is normal to be hurt but in spite of his behavior and silences, try to create the atmosphere to move forward.
None of your positive behaviors imply in any way that what he did was proper. Manage your emotions, act "as if", control the angry outbursts and try to put all of this behind you.
I understand your need for the truth. It is hard to forgive and move on when little things you were unaware of crop up later.
I do not understand your being able to forgive your H. But being so angry towards OW. I know this is common but I just don't understand it. The OP is not the one who took marriage vows with you. The OP is usually decieved to some degree at the onset of a affair. I believe that the anger that most direct at the OP is really misplaced anger at there spouse. It is easier to believe someone you do not know will hurt you then someone who claims to love you. The other person is usually not the reason our spouses go astray. That said
Your H really sounds as if he is profoundly sorry for what hurt he has caused you through his actions. Has he thought about seeing a C to help him work through his guilt and feelings? I think it is wonderful your love is stronge enough for you to forgive him. Not many can do that in the end. I wish you luck in rebuilding your trust and relationship
Pegasus - I do not have alot of advice as our sitch's are very different. I do want to say you have been very good in controlling your frustration, hurt and anger during all this. You have let H know that you think you can work through this and he seems willing so that is a start.
I would try and let the OW thing go, it seems your H has and conversing with OW will not achieve anything it will just give you more doubts and more questions so I would be inclined to leave her out of it.
I would now be happy at home and act as normal with H and try rebuilding your R. If H is willing too he will see you moving on and it will show if he starts to move on with you. You can only control your actions not H's so make your moves and see what reaction H has and then act as you see necessary.
Oh and maybe not tell your friends too much more if that upsets H, at least then he will know you are listening to what he says and acting on it.
I know it is hard with a young child but maybe try as best you can to make an effort around home with the housework and getting as organised as you can so he has something pleasant to come home too. It's just that you mentioned the house previously so that is a little thing that must bother H on some level...
