Hi Karen Sorry about your day. I know what you mean about not wanting to kill yourself just to "enjoy" a lifestyle that your job doesn't give you time for! My philosophy has always been that I will never work that hard for someone else. If I need to put in 60+ hrs on a job, it will be for my own benefit (ie my own business). As it is, I only work about 30 hrs per week and make a good living. (Too bad my marriage situation sucks, oh-well...).
I don't know if your last question was rhetorical or not ("what did I say/do?") but I wouldn't be too hard on myself if I were you. First, if your H didn't mention the D word in the conversation, take that as a good thing! I suggest you try banishing all ideas of D from your thoughts and imaginings. I find that negative thoughts breed negative attitudes and it tends to carry over into how I interact with my W. If I stay positive, I end up projecting positively to my W and (surprisingly to me) she is more upbeat and positive towards me. Worry about a job or career choice can be difficult enough without worrying about a marriage or a place to live too! Try taking what you have, look at the positive parts and build on those little triumphs. (Even if he was drunk, at least he came to you, apologized to you and cuddled with you...)
I often find that when a problem appears overwhelming if I break it up into several sub-problems that are easier to deal with, as each part gets solved I get more confidence in keeping on with the task of dealing with the whole thing. Maybe just sitting down and figuring out what kind of career you really want should be your first step. Take care of you and don't worry about your R in this moment. How do you want to spend your working hours?
It is easy to offer suggestions from this side of the fence, I know. I often find my problems with the R overwhelm everything else. Sometimes I just need a mental break from feeling lousy about my life. Fortunately, my work sometimes provides a constructive distraction.
Hang in there.
D
"...the true sign of insanity is repeating the same action, but expecting a different response each time!" Einstein said it, but I LIVE it!
i very upset. H asked me to drop him off at work and i said, "sure!" and on the way he told me that everyone will probably give him sh!t for having me drop him off. so, i got upset (tears in my eyes, but no cry.) i ask if he only says neg. things about me and don't they know we are friendly with each other? he says, "they only know the situation." (meaning what, that he is waiting for me to get a job to D me???) i say, is this why you didn't bring my truck here to change my oil last week? he says i need to let him know when he can have truck. so, he asks why i care. i say i dont know. i tell my friends both sides of the story and your friends hate me for no reason. he says his friends are concerned for him and that they have seen me treat him like crap in front of them enough times. i say my friends are concerned too, but they know what you have done to me AND what i have done to you. so, i agreee that i shouldn't care but that i am feeling defensive... WHY DO I CARE? WHY DO I STILL HAVE HOPE? IS HE REALLY DONE? WHY DON'T I JUST GET ON WITH MY LIFE W/O HIM???
I am very angry right now. Even if we were to stay together, it would probably be a long long time before I would ever do anything with his friends again. I feel like he has really disparaged me. Why can't he love me, forgive me, and treat me with kindness and respect? Am I a fool for wanting to stay with him? Why am I sooo committed, when it is so easy for him to say he is done???
I know I have issues, and I am working on them with my C. We are talking about my immediate emotional responses to things (like me getting jealous) and how to deal with it. She wants me to get into this group that teaches Dialectical Behavior Therapy and helps women step away from their emotions before reacting. Anyone ever heard of it?
Anyhow, if H can't accept me for who I am, how can I stay with him? I have changed sooooooo much, but it doesn't seem to matter b/c I still get jealous AT TIMES. But hardly ever anymore!!! grrr....
In most sports, one does not have the opportunity to concede, or give up. Golf allows for it in match play, as does chess. One concedes only when defeat is unavoidable. You can see that it will come no matter what you do. It cannot be prevented. In short, there is no way to win, or even draw.
Is this how you feel? I get a sense from your posting that you might not. You still have too much passion; you still appear to care a lot about the relationship. This is why it hurts you so much. If you didn't care; if you were ready to concede or give up, you would be accepting of what you know must be coming. You do not sound like you are in that space. So, I guess, you shouldn't give up.
It is a bit of homespun psycho-babble from my camp, but it may be some food for thought. I know it won't make the pain go away, but maybe it will help make it seem worth the effort when things DO turn around or resolve themselves.
Hang in there. Give yourself permission to take a mental holiday from your hurt. Take a day off and treat yourself to something you enjoy that you have been putting off for awhile.
"...the true sign of insanity is repeating the same action, but expecting a different response each time!" Einstein said it, but I LIVE it!
Believe it or not, I still have a lot of resolve/determination left in me. So many ppl think that I should be done or would have left or kicked him out or whatever, but bottom line is: I still love him, and I made a commitment. I seldom make commitments, b/c when I do, I MEAN IT!
I am sticking with my goals. Allow me to update:
1. Make money and find a new full-time job. *Continuing to waitress and I have 3 loans in processing! They should close mid Nov., so I should get paid Nov. 30 or Dec. 15. Have an interview with a recruiter on Tuesday, sending out lots of resumes.
2. Clean stuff. *Made another big dent in the basement, still works in progress.
3. Keep up my life-go out with friends, walk dogs, work on crafts, climb, do other exercise, etc. * I am busy, busy, busy!!! Hardly ever home and getting home after H goes to bed. Making him go "hmmm..."
4. Take care of my own emotional needs. *Doing pretty well, though, I really wish I could change my emotional reactions when he makes comments like the one he made yesterday. I wish I could have just chuckled and said "good-luck with that!" Or, "want me to come in to say hello?" or something very light and airy. grr...makes me mad at myself. I am trying to think of some canned responses so I don't have to think about it like: "Oh, that's interesting." "Funny!" Something to the effect of "whatever!" Any suggestions???
5. Be warm, friendly and receptive to H. When he talks to me about feelings, I am being very open and understanding, not getting defensive, listening to him and validating him. When he initiates ML or refers to me having other boyfriends, I am v reassuring and complimentary to him. *This is going well, but after yesterday, I don't feel exactly like being romantic!
H ignored me Thursday, then last night he came into my room and told me that he couldn't believe that I didn't know he was kidding when he made that comment and that living together still was not working, and that he wants me out of the house as soon as possible. I started to ask how the comment was supposed to be funny and he put is hand up as in he didn't want to hear it. Then I said, "you know you only talk sh!t about me..." and he said he didn't care. I told him that I wanted to keep the house if possible and that if he wanted out, then he should leave. He said that I need to be financially independent in order for him to do that, that he is not letting me jeopardize his credit and that I had until the first of the year to figure something out.
The sad thing is that he really makes me doubt myself and my feelings, but then I think, "if he cared about my feelings, he would tell me he was joking, or that he didn't mean it in a negative way, or anything to not let me feel hurt."
I am not so afraid of not finding someone else, but I feel very committed and I like the idea of being married. Obviously, I cannot make him care about me or want to work things out, or go to MC.
I wish to God that I would quit reacting to him emotionally, but at times, I get caught so off-guard. Here I was thinking I was being nice and doing him a favor, only to feel like I was splashed cold water on my face. I was shocked and didn't know how to respond. I am sad and angry and scared, yet I know that I deserve better than this, and that the Babe in Total Control of Herself would have left a long time ago.
Hi. I've only got a bit of time but wanted to post. I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it...sounds like h is being difficult -- I remember those times quite well. The good news is that h's behavior is out of your control -- freeing you up for working on the stuff that's WITHIN your control -- you already know what that is -- that's clear in your posts.
Want to join me for an exercise? I know that we both have similar backgrounds so I feel comfortable suggesting that here's a trait we share -- personalizing what someone else says or does and reacting in a way that suggests it's about us. H's comment to you the other day was SO about him and not about you...to even give him a bit of the benefit of the doubt, while his comment may have been insensitive, it was still him expressing his feelings about a situation he expected to experience...there was actually no judgement or edict about YOU to be found. But, I know how easy it is to take it all on one's shoulders and think that somehow what we do or how we feel or whatever controls the world -- for ourself and others...but, hon, we just don't have that command or responsibility.
You KNOW what you need to do and where you need to focus...it's written all over your posts. STOP personalizing h's comments to you, practice "as if" and some non-reactive comebacks...you can test humor vs sincerity vs any other range of emotions. For example, when he made the comment the other day "humor" or "flippancy" might have dictated a flip "oh, sucks for you" response while sincerity (WAS he trying to tell you something about himself?) might have encouraged a "that must be hard" response.
Another point, I'm not at all suggesting this as a means to "save your marriage" -- I'm suggesting it as a means to save yourself. Can I ASSume that h isn't the only one who can ruin a perfectly good day by DOING or SAYING something that you interpret as a personal statement on you? (Again, I'm there often so perhaps I'm just ASSuming).
You say you're caught off guard...start practicing with every interaction!!!! Not just with h but with everyone! Guy cuts you off on the highway? NOT ABOUT YOU. Person cuts in front of you at the deli counter? See above. Co-worker, customer, boss, mom?
I'm right here with you, Karen. Your posts of late have made me notice that I've been falling into the same old habit myself. Let's work on it together.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage . . . I love to see your green name on the BBs as I know there will be some wise wisdom to follow.
I would love to really understand what you said here. I understood 90% but the part I didn't get was . . . what would have been an appropriate response for Karen to give to her H about the "funny" living situation comment. Could you please clarify that for me? Thanks so much.
I would love to really understand what you said here. I understood 90% but the part I didn't get was . . . what would have been an appropriate response for Karen to give to her H about the "funny" living situation comment. Could you please clarify that for me? Thanks so much.
Bonkers,
Hi. The comment I was specifically referring to was when Karen's h said something about getting S^&T from his coworkers because she dropped him off. I guess he then followed that up with telling her they know about the sitch or something, right?
I don't know what the exact appropriate response would have been which is why I suggested trial and error. A flip response such as "oh, well, that S^&KS" might have shown some level of confidence or humor BUT....when I went back and re-read the exact exchange, it occurred to me that IMHO, the best response would have been one that reflected back to him that he was disclosing something...so a good response might have been "that sounds hard for you" or even NO VERBAL response but a wistful smile and a quick squeeze of his arm that sort of conveys "I'm sorry. This is tough for both of us."
Don't ever discount the power of a very simple or a silent response. In my M, sometimes the less said the better when it comes to tough conversations...not because we shouldn't or don't talk about stuff but because it quickly gets overwhelming. I learn a lot from my h from his actions or even his silence and I've realized that he looks to me for those clues as well (while I've been peppering him with words for years!!!).
I guess my point is that in this type of conversations, I have no real idea what the exact "right" response is...likely there isn't just one. But I know from personal experience that the "how could you say that to me" personalization reaction is rarely one that advances the conversation or the situation. Yes, Karen's h brought up a painful topic...but his comments were about how he was reacting to it...not at all about her.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Sage and Bonkers, Thank you for stopping by. I guess I am not sure I understand 100% either. I understand that it would have been best for me respond in a humorous way, but I don't understand how it is NOT about me. Had he not been b!tching about me to his co-workers, they wouldn't give him s#^t. He has told me that his (female) boss was already trying to fix him up with some biker chicks, and that his "friends" have told him that they would have left me a long time ago. How do I not feel defensive after hearing that? I know he is not going to go out w/anyone at this point, but I feel like he makes it a point to rub these things in my face about how he should have left a long time ago, etc. I don't just feel this way, I KNOW it. He does it to be hurtful.
I wish to God that I didn't react like I did, b/c now, again, h is done done done. I just still do not understand why he never says he is kidding or that he didn't mean it like that, or whatever, to dispell my hurt feelings, but yet, he gets MAD at me for not "taking a joke."
I feel defensive b/c: a. H doesn't care about my feelings and tells me so, b. I feel like I messed up again, and any type of DB'ing that I ever do seems to get lost when I mess up c. I struggle with thinking that he is P-A and verbally abusive and that I don't deserve to be treated how he treats me d. I think I am a great catch who doesn't deserve to be treated this way e. I wish I wasn't so thin skinned/sensitive, but I can't change overnight. f. I love him and knowing that he only tells his friends his side of the story and that his friends don't like me hurts. (Obviously, his friends wouldn't dislike me if he told them how wonderful I am).
A friend of mine asked me this weekend what my gut told me, not my feelings, or my head, but my GUT. Honestly, I think my gut has been telling me for a long, long time that H just isn't v sensitive to me or my feelings. He's been threatening to leave me for the past couple years.
Where does one draw the line between maitaining one's dignity, and DB'ing? Though his comments may not be personal and more a reflection of his own issues, they still hurt and I think I deserve to be treated with kindness, love, and respect. H has pretty much told me for years that he has "nothing left to give," and that I need to deal with it.
I don't have this problem with other people. ???
I know I have issues, I never deny that. But, how can I work with him this way? I don't know what to do. Move out asap? He is giving me the silent treatment now, I am maintaining the mystery, etc. I didn't even go home on Sat. night.
