Hey Gabriel. You're definenetly taking the high road and that's the right way to go.
Yeah, my W told me early on that neither of us should take it personal if our boy chooses one parent or the other at times. When he was sick, he wanted to be in my lap. A couple weeks ago I went out of town for work and didn't see him for about 10 days and he wanted his mom to do the bottle when I got back. It can hurt at times, but it happens. As long as we treat each other right and support each other, it will all work out.
Real quick, with the matter of a label being put on us. Yeah, my wife did it too. When I had to move out, she saw the tears and labeled me. Just figure that I and God knows the truth and to just blow it off.
I have been reading your thread for sometime now and I just have to tell you, you are one class act. You just seem to have it all together. It's nice to see that after what everyone of us has been through.
Merrick, Steve, and Julie - thanks for the props. I often wonder, but I am trying hard.
Bruce!
Jo, I'm not so sure. I've been wrong before re women being attracted to me, but I just don't get that from her. She's one of my students now, and they often come to me for advice/help, as I'm a mentor. I have no attraction to her, as she's married and my student.
I sat with XW during S6's swim lessons yesterday eve. He beamed to see me there, and she came over to me, sitting 1 row down from me but looking back to talk. She complained about her condo, noting there are few children, that its noisy so she has trouble sleeping (the house is soo quiet - I'm sleeping so much better!), and that she will look for a house once she gets tenure (~4.5 yrs). She asked for two lounge chairs that I have, so that she can sit out on her porch. I said sure.
She noted a few ailments, complaints as well, commented on a few coworkers "not liking" her or talking about her (I doubt it - likely her being paranoid about her summer behavior getting out, as she was partying with students).
I still get a very "self-focused" feel from her. She asked about my dad's health and literally seemed to lose focus/not hear my response. I validated and listened to her as well as I could, shared a bit about my goings on. I noticed that I didn't need her to really hear me, didn't 'need' her to be there in the moment with me. I feel stronger.
Her invitation to have me watch S6's swim lessons conflicted with my typical workout time, and I debated not going, but instead juggled my responsibilities and worked out beforehand. That was wise, as I was more relaxed and confident when with her.
I had a great overnight stay with S6 last night. These midweek overnights are a nice new development. XW called early, but we must have been doing s/t noisy (boisterous superhero play? ) b/d it went to VM. She called later and when I answered, she thanked me w/ excitement and happiness re her first run in the running shoes I got her. I said "That's great!" and she went on to talk about her run in some detail. Nice, simple positive exchange. In the past, even in the M, I may have downplayed my role with the gift, noting S6 as 'choosing them' or s/t like that. This time I more maturely said that I thought of her, knew she might like them, and wanted her to have more pleasant runs.
She's still reeling a bit from whatever R or Rs she had in the summer. This felt like a key time to check in with some kindness, not as a cold calculated manipulation, but merely as a loving but safe gesture to someone I care about. The key seemed to be to have very low expectations, but to be true to myself while doing so.
I'm still working on the controlling part of myself, but this was a nice 'no-strings-attached' event that reflects change for me.
Excellent Gabe. You are getting more like me every day. You can only gain from these interactions. Actually everyone can gain even if you don't reconcile...you are your XW can have a more relaxed relationship and your son will benefit from two parents getting along. See already how much more at ease she is. She's calling you. I mean you, not for something to do with your son. She could have waited til she saw you and dropped a quick..."thanks for the shoes. They are nice" and drove away. But she made a point of calling you.
Kudos. You know I never discourage an act of pursuing. Because you have absolutely nothing to lose. Just be true to yourself though without trying to hard to manipulate her feelings.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I was having a new thought this morning about the young friends your wife was hanging around with. I'm just not so sure it's a sign of anything other than a desire to have someone to hang out with. Things may be different in Florida, but if you primarily relied on your spouse for enjoyable activities, find yourself suddenly single, would like to go looking for some companionship of the opposite sex or at the very least let your hair down but don't want to go alone, and don't want to just stay at home, who do you do these things with? It seems that most married couples have a circle of married friends that also pretty much do things together. A single person is suddenly a third wheel to a married couple, at least in their mind. So you go out with other singles...and that would either include other divorcees' or younger people. In my case I went to the bar with a group of single people last week after volleyball..all of which were in their 20s. Why? Because I don't know any single guys my age and would prefer not to go alone. That was my thought of the day. Do you think I'm going through some sort of crisis?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Hey Gabriel. Can you give me a quick update on what days (hours) you got with son in D agreement. Just want to get somewhat of an idea of what the norm is. W said something while talking, but not sure what the papers will say. Talked to a friend and he said something like every other weekend and twice a week, with split holidays.
FYI. I have three kids (S11, D10, D7) and in the legal separation, I have them every other weekend through Monday morning, one dinner night each week, and I get each of them individually for three overnights each week. So, I'm with at least one of them roughly 19 days each month--in addition to any other scraps tossed my way. This was negotiated.
Steve - I posted my response on your thread. Hang in there!
Me- I think availability is part of the reason for choosing a younger crowd, but so are the need to distract (from the M, D, LBS-related guilt) and the desire to be different/younger. I agree that the desire to meet OP is a big part of it, too. My XW has stated to several people that she does things like partying and getting tattoed/pierced b/c it makes her feel younger - if only for that moment. Having seen my share of very aged looking FL seniors walking around the beaches pierced/tattoed/drunk, I guess its all about one's personal perceptions.
Things continue to be eerily peaceful. Its now to the point where I'm wondering if she's up to something. She called me up this morn at 6am to tell me that she was feeling awful and asked if I might take care of S6 this weekend. I sounded very different on the phone, and when she asked why, I noted that I woke up with a sore throat. Just a few months back, this would have angered her b/c she would have assumed I was faking or she'd just be frustrated that her own needs hadn't been met. This morn, she sounded concerned about me (kind of), and said "Oh, you're sick too, so never mind. I can handle it." I thanked her and said for her to keep me informed about her sitch, as we could tag-team watching him if we needed to.
This eve she emailed me, and gave me a list of upcoming events for S6 and closed with "Have a nice weekend and hope you are feeling better. - XW"
Maybe she's appreciative of this increased friendliness? Or perhaps just less depressed...
) b/d it went to VM. She called later and when I answered, she thanked me w/ excitement and happiness re her first run in the running shoes I got her. I said "That's great!" and she went on to talk about her run in some detail. Nice, simple positive exchange. In the past, even in the M, I may have downplayed my role with the gift, noting S6 as 'choosing them' or s/t like that. This time I more maturely said that I thought of her, knew she might like them, and wanted her to have more pleasant runs.