My H and I actually divorced. The true reason our marriage ended was because H and I both became addicted to prescription pain pills. We have both made leaps and bounds since the bomb 1 year and 11 months ago.
Ex and I talk daily and make big plans for remarriage real soon. Ex is still dealing with recovery while I have been sober since the bomb (wow-I can't believe I have been in recovery that long).
Last night ex and I were talking about how far we have come as individuals and as a couple. We are closer, etc....
This is the problem. Ex had an online emotional affair. He even flew out to surprise visit this women and discovered she had a boyfriend. The whole ordeal never amounted to anything physical, but it was a full-blown emotional affair. I found the emails and he was telling her all the things he told me when we met, saying awful things about me and my family to her and emailing her intimate "love" notes. He sent her gifts and made numerous attempts to visit her before he filed for divorce. I had no clue he was planning to divorce me until I was served with divorce papers. He emailed her and thanked her the day he filed. The email said that "she gave him the strength to file for the divorce."
He doesn't realize that I read all the emails and know all the things he said and planned to do. Last night he told me that our future together is bright and that at least neither of us cheated on the other. I told him that I considered what he did as cheating. He said "I am sorry, I know you are right and I do have a lot of guilt." It was actually said in a more loving way than I put it but you get the jist.
How do we get past this and when should I address it. Should I wait until we are married again? I am real bad about just ignoring things and pretending they didn't happen. Should we discuss this in further detail now. He still gets skittish so I don't want to bombard him and ruin all of my hard work.
I know how he thinks. He thinks what I (meaning me) don't know won't hurt me and that telling me the details will only hurt my feelings. Is it better for both of us to lay things out on the table and be brutally honest? Should I tell him that I saw the emails? I am confused on how to proceed with this. What did you all do? I feel that we should get a marriage counselor, but I don't want to start pushing him if the time isn't right. Things are still touch and go. He is really just starting to open up to me fully. How do you DB and do this? Should I mention counseling? Also, I think a lot of the marriage counselors stink. How can I find a good one? I am confused. Maybe I should come to this board more often. I don't know the next steps after finally having ex soften to me and tell me daily, "don't worry--we will be together, I promise, everything is going to be great." I never thought I would hear those words. Advice please!!!
To clear up any confusion.... He knows that I know about the emails, however; he doesn't know that I read all of them. To ease his guilt, I think that tells himself that what he did was'nt as bad as a physical affair.
In fact, two weeks before he filed for divorce I had discovered phone calls to her and some emails. I think my discovery and reaction are what led him to actually file.
I live at the Divorced but Not Done Board. I thought you guys might have some romantic gift ideas for me. Ex and I still live three hours apart, but things are going really well with us.
I need to send a gift by tomorrow. It is for our ten year anniversary of when we met. Do you all have any ideas? What are some things you have done since you have been piecing? This anniversary is really important to ex. I need something good. Thanks!!
Sorry you haven't received any replies. I thought I would throw in my 2c worth, if that's okay.
My H also had an emotional affair via email and phone. It never went anywhere, but I also read the emails and I actually told him. It was awful to read the things he said about me to her, and the wonderful words he said to her that he had said to me through the years (we have been together for 20 years, and the EA was with someone he knew in high school).
We are very committed to our marriage now, and he says that during that time, he felt disconnected from me, and confused, and resentful. He didn't mean any of it, and feels very guilty about it now. He feels that he had been in a fog, and that the OW made him feel good, even though he didn't know what she looked like (she never did send him any pics, apparently). I still have a lot of pain from this, and don't trust my H fully, but I am working on it.
I don't know if telling your H that you had read all the emails would be a good thing, or not. It's a difficult call. I told my H because he lied to my face, and I wanted him to know that I was fully aware of what was going on. But, that was during our supposed break-up, whereas you are in the process of reconciling.
I think you should at least clear up any misgivings before you remarry. It would be awful to get married and then have to deal with all the negative stuff then. At least, then you would know for sure whether you want to marry him, and whether he will stay the course.
This has been long - sorry. As for the gift? How about a nice pair of binoculars with a note about seeing far (into the future, or something to that effect).
Good luck, and it is wonderful that you have come this far.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Wow! I got a response. Thanks so much! I appreciate the advice. I guess it is a toss up whether or not I should tell him that I read the emails. That is what is annoying--when they tell you something, and you know it is a lie.
I see the point of not saying something if it is only going to hurt the other person, but to say, "at least we don't have to deal with an affair." Ohhh!
I am leaning towards going to counseling before remarrying and then putting everything out on the table if the counselor thinks it is a good idea.
It helps to hear people say that their spouse also told the OW the same things they used to tell you in their relationship. It was like my magic bubble was burst. I saw the things he said to me over the years as manipulative once I read that. I have done a lot of forgiving and try to just see him as human and someone who makes mistakes. That keeps me from wanting to choke him.
That is a really cute idea about the binoculars. I already thought of another gift though, and I am just about to mail it right now. I would have taken your binocular idea for sure. That is so great!! I knew someone out there had a great idea like that. I am writing that one in my day planner for the future. Thanks!
