Hello, I'm posting for the first time since spring of 04'. My W and I have been back together, following a marital separation, since July of 04'. I'm finding myself worrying often about the state of the marriage, so I thought I would return to posting for perspective, advice, and support.
I'll summarize the past year as succinctly as possible. W returned home last summer after a seven month separation. W began taking Spanish lessons last year and continues with this. W and I began latin dancing last November, and are now dancing 3X per week. We have a joint activity we now enjoy. We returned to a sex therapist in January as our sexual intimacy problems continued. I closed a part-time business this summer, and now am content to work 40 hours per week at my regular job. My W quit a part-time job where she was being mistreated, and has been unemployed for nearly three months.
Our frequency of sexual intercourse has increased to almost weekly, the past several months. Prior to that, sexual intercourse occurred monthly to bi-monthly. She still is unhappy because she says it's just having sex. My assignments from the therapist are to abstain from masturbation, and to become more comfortable with french kissing with my wife. I had been doing the kissing exercises, but stopped when the sexual frequency increased. I thought she was enjoying the sexual intercourse, but was dismayed to find-out at our last session that it falls short of her needs and expectations.
I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not a good lover, and that I do need to become more skilled at this. I'm frustrated by the fact that the increase in sexual intercourse has not resolved our sexual conflict.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hello, I think my current anxiety is from the most recent marital session, where my W gave feedback that she still wasn't happy with our sex life. I understand though that it's better to have honest feedback, so that I can make the necessary adjustments.
My W and I have been married for 12 years. I am 45 and she is 46. We have no children. We were separated for seven months until July 04'.
I think what I'm going through is the adjustment of positive change, and the worry that we won't be able to resolve our long-standing sexual conflict. I feel calmer by posting to this forum. I intend to post as-needed.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, What is her preferred frequency vs. what yours is?
As far as the kissing is concerned, I would expect that if she stated that she likes it, that she would want it to continue, no matter what the frequency is, kwim?
Keep working at it; you've made great strides with her!
Honeypot, Thanks for the encouragement. I don't know what her frequency preference is or mine regarding sexual intercourse. Having a sexual relationship with my W is new territory for me.
You're right about the kissing. She's stated how important it is to her. I need to make it a priority, and practice until I become comfortable with it. She has given me positive feedback regarding the exercises in the past.
I made a point of asking her if she wanted to kiss on Friday night. She turned me down as she has a sinus or related problem. She did note the next day that I asked, and was appreciative of that.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Quote: I don't know what her frequency preference is or mine regarding sexual intercourse.
I'm surprised this hasn't come up in counseling. I mean, if you don't know what it is, then how are you supposed to work towards a happy medium for you both? I can certainly see how you were taken aback and hurt that it wasn't enough.
Quote: Having a sexual relationship with my W is new territory for me.
Why? Have you not been married long?
Quote: She has given me positive feedback regarding the exercises in the past.
Good for you! That's great. You know, we spend so much time trying to figure out exactly what our mates want and need from us, and it's nice sometimes to have a sort of "map" to allow us to know where we are succeeding and what to do more of.
Honeypot, I think my W and I have repaired our latest rupture. We had S last night and did a session of kissing. She said that she does want to have only S, but hopes to include other activities such as oral S. She had made a comment earlier that our sex was just sex, and she wanted to make love. I had interpreted this as she didn't enjoy our S, so was going to be reluctant about asking for it, and was going to focus more on the kissing. At least we're talking about it, and reconnected sexually last night. Our sex life was barren for many years; this is why it's new territory for us.
We have plans to go to latin dancing tonight at one of our regular venues. I believe our M would be going in a different direction if it weren't for the dancing. We now dance 3X per week. Prior to the separation, we danced 3X per year. The dancing serves as a means to promote connection, amplifies positive emotions, and connects us to a community of dancers. Saying yes to dancing almost a year ago was one of my wiser decisons. I benefit personally, as my mood is better, my life more balanced, and my social confidence increased.
I'll keep posting, as I'll need help in managing fear when we hit bumps in the road. The issue of physical intimacy also remains unresolved. She feels like she is not yet getting this need yet. Until we find a happy sexual and physical medium, this issue will remain a thorn in our side, and may ultimately lead to the demise of the M.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Wow, the dancing sounds like a great thing for you two. What a good idea.
Here are my thoughts, as a gal who is similar to your wife:
When she says she wants to ML, and not just sex, she wants to know that you are wanting to be there with HER, and not just for the sake of release.
Ways you can reassure her that you are ML to her is by telling her she's beautiful, sexy, etc. CL, you can gain an immeasurable amount of points if you do these things outside the bedroom. She will then know that you are noticing HER and wanting HER and not just to scratch an itch, kwim?
I suspect it might be hard for you but if you can conquer latin dancing, I think nothing is impossible.
Hello, One of the differences between now and prior to the separation, is that now I more often find my W attractive. It usually is connected to latin dancing--when we're practicing or out at a favorite dance venue. It's a mixture of the music, the lively way she dresses, the feeling of connection with others who also enjoy dancing, and the connection we have with each other.
A struggle is dealing with the emotions related to conflict. It seems difficult to always feel attracted to your spouse. I frequently feel like I'm wrestling with the "devil" inside of me. These include emotions such as resentment, fear, impatience, and anger, or states of mind such as self-centeredness, being critical, or judgmental.
I struggle dealing with emotions and states of mind related to her 3 month unemployment, and long-time smoking habit. Maybe the fact that I'm struggling to think/feel/act in constructive ways is a sign of progress. In the past I probably stayed too long in negative ways of thinking/feeling/acting that created harm in the relationship.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Hello, My wife and I are currently trying to resolve three problem areas--her unemployment/vocational identity crisis, creating a mutually satisfying dance partnership and creating a mutually satisfying sexual relationship, that up until this summer had been dormant. The first is how to work and play together as dance partners. The conflicts we have are similar to what we experience in the unresolved sexual arena. The problem to solve is how do we work and play together to make something that is important for the both of us work? I'm thinking that working thru the dance partnership conflicts, will develop skills needed to resolve the sexual issues. She has been home now for 16 months, following a seven month separation.
We haven't had sex in about three weeks. We completed only one kissing exercise, from our marriage counseling, in the past two weeks. This is a regression towards old patterns. The difference this time is that we've been dance partners now for about a year. This serves as an intimacy safety net. I'm not experiencing the anger from her from her feeling chronically distant in the relationship, like it was prior to the separation. We're in a better place to work on our sexual relationship, even though it's not yet mutually satisfying.
My W and I had a frank discussion about how her needs weren't being met with our dance partnership. She wants the challenge of learning difficult intermediate moves. I'm still learning basic technique, though am progressing steadily. I don't want to be overwhelmed; she doesn't want to be bored. She was considering a second dance partner. I'd like to avoid that as an option.
We decided to try and see if I could meet her needs as a dance partner. We decided to increase our practice session to one hour, and to add one intermediate move to our practice time. She was quite happy with our most recent practice session.
This is allowing me to wonder that if we can forge a dance partnership given our different learning styles, temperaments, and skill levels, than it seems likely that we can create a mutually satisfying sexual partnership, if we work thru it in similar fashion.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
