Well Chrissy seems to be throwing caution to the wind and speaking her mind around the house these days. Not sure if that would be considered DBing lol.
I have been sick for almost two weeks now. And be it sickness to much Nyquil or what my H has grated my nerves endlessly. Not about sex just being needy. I am one of those people when I do not feel good I want to be left alone. 15 years and he should know that. I don't want coddled I don't want cuddled I just want quite. Well now that is not much to ask for is it. With my H yes. When I am sick he wants coddled cuddled and what ever more then most times it seems. Last weekend I had had my fill of this. And I just said what I thought. I told him I was tired of him acting like a woman. Yeah well it really did not go over well but not as bad as some things in the past. But he said something interesting later. He said something in line to him being that way because I am not. So what every relationship needs a whiny needy person to make it good? OMG.
We have had some recent situations with our S13 also that has left me in a place I have had to say enough already of all this crap. Again only to learn I am the only one with issues in this marriage from his point of view. But I have very clearly spoke my mind regaurdless of any chances of angry outburst from H.
Well on a different note. Chrissy may have a job. LOL It is part time and it is temp and so not what is the norm for me. But I wanted something low key for now to get me back into the habit of going to work and also something that if it causes to many problems with H I can walk away from without remorse.
Wow. The difference in attitude is apparrent from your posting. Glad you have your own thread, maybe it will keep you out of my head.
Seriously between you, LFL, and Cobra you are determined to destroy the mystery, and ruin the Oedipal dynamic. LOL.
enough about me, back to you. whats up with using the third person?
He said something in line to him being that way because I am not.
The context surrounding this is pretty vague... often we express a need during a argument or other emotional exchange.
Could there be any validity to this Chrissy? You accused him of acting like a woman... and he retorted.
Are there ways you act like the man? The speaking up for yourself and not fearing your H's possible angry outburst is a good change. Can you do it in a way that is productive and healthy for your R?
Maybe I am rushing the gun here, and should just let you throw down the gauntlet for awhile.
My intial response to his comment about her not acting like a woman was this...
Chrissy...how do you act at home? Are you someone who is perfectly capable of doing anything/everything around the house? Are you someone who doesn't need your H to do anything for you?
I am. There isn't anything around our house I cannot fix/repair, I'm used to it. I was single for quite some time after my D and have always been someone who will simply learn how to do something rather than depend on someone to do it for me. This can be a double-edged sword.
I have found through my experience, and BF feel free to jump in and let me know if I'm anywhere near the mark here (like you wouldn't anyway LOL)....that while men may appreciate the fact that I'm very self-sufficient, they still need to feel like I need them, and I don't mean in a sexual nature. They need to feel as though they are taking care of me in some ways.
Early on in our C it came to light that my H didn't think I needed him for anything, so why was he there? Of course this was back before he realized I truly love him and wanted him (the man) not what he could do for me...and before he realized that there were things I needed of him in other ways. I've since learned (and this wasn't easy for me) to back away a bit from feeling like I MUST take care of everything. It took me awhile to get out of that "self-sufficient/independent" frame of mind.
Now when something needs to be done, that I suppose you might consider a typically male thing, I give him the opportunity to do it (even though I could). He knows I'm capable of taking care of these things...but I've come to notice that, for him, he needs to do some of these things for me to feel like he's contributing something. Make sense?
I used to feel like I had to be self-sufficient, now I know....I can be, but don't have to be.
Is your husband usually clingy and needy? Is it possible he is acting this way because he is not getting from you the things that make him feel loved by you?
God is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind......so there.
Re-reading my my post I see I was very vague on what I was speaking about.
Hmm just going to touch on what brought me to that comment which was a little more extended then I posted.
When ever my H goes to bed (he works nights 7 days a week)he will stay awake worrying about what I am doing and most of the time he needs me to come scratch his back or what ever. I find it annoying but comply with his request most of the time. I have been sick for two weeks. So that particular morning when he went to bed and I had gotten up. I was sitting choking and coughing and hacking up my inners. And he was worried about me scratching his back. Got all worked up about it. Irked me to hell. H sets his alarm clock and gets up at 5:20 at 5:45 I realized he was not up so went in the room and told him it was time to get up. A few minutes later he came out of the room and said he had been awake but was waitting to see how long it would take me to come wake him up. My thought WTF how childish and what if I had ran to the store and not been home he would have what not got up waitting. Said nothing just let it go. H came to the steps and said he was leaving I asked if he had ate he said no. I asked why no answer I asked why again still no answer. So I figured he left. A few minutes later he comes to the steps again and says what are you not going to come give me a kiss. I tell him I thought he left he starts running his mouth. blah blah. Then I think again how stupid if he wanted a kiss he could have walked up the steps instead of waitting down stairs to see if I was coming down. As he was going on in his little rant I just had had it. And asked why he needed to be such a woman about things. Always whining and needing things from me. My kids don't require as much of me as he does.
Now this all goes on the heels of him asking me where the medicine is that is always on the shelf of the medicine cabnet. Asking me where the plyers are that he uses and are in his toolchest. Where this is where that is and never looking first.
Later that night he called me from work. And I told him I was not trying to piss him off but I just do not understand why he always has to play these little games and do all these little things to test me. I did not understand why he was so emotionally needy and wanted me to prove something to him all the time. I was sick of it. And not playing with him any more I have nothing to prove. He then said that he is emotionally needy because I am not thats where my wtf every relationship needs a whinny insecure person in it to make it work statement came from
We started talking about all the people we know and how of them all only two of them need constent attention from there spouses and yes they are both woman. I told him it was time to get a gripe on his insecurities because they were driving me nuts.
The next day being two down on the ML quota for the month. When I told him to drop the drawers he said no he did not feel good. I told him he had never taken that in consideration for me so to get to it. Later he started on about how he did not like my keeping track and min and so forth. I then explained to him that if left to me we would have sex maybe twice a month so the 8 times a month min was for him not me and of course he could not appreciate it and would whine about it instead. But maybe he should be glad he is not married to someone who would only have sex with him once or twice a year like some here on this board.
Again as stated I have been sick I have been with him for 15 years and he should no to just back off of me when I don't feel good. He does not try to do anything for me when I am sick he just seems to want me to do more for him. And I am already about tapped out with it all so I am trying to deal with things in a more head on fashion. Regaurdless of his temper. I figure if he beats the [censored] out of me. I will be here I will have all my kids and his ass will be in jail. So he can only do it one more time.
Now on a funny note. In all the time I have been on this board no one has ever made mention of the way I speak of my self as a third party at times.
It is disassociation of self. Yes I am aware it is sorta psychotic. It is part of the detachment problem I have. There are various different aspects/levels of a personality. I have mine named. There are various different events in peoples life that change them. I have mine labled. Beach Barbie, Biker Barbie, Suntan Barbie have nothing on me. Lol
Though this is not what I was referring to. Yes I am quite independent. What few things I am not capable of doing for myself as in repairs neither can my H. Nor will he try often. I do everything from the housework to cutting down trees. But my H is not put out by this at all.
What my H is put out by is the fact that I am not emotionally needy. Not that he is very indulging any how. I use to ask him to give me back rubs on occassion but he always complained it hurt his thumbs. The only thing I ask of my H that if for only me and he does regularly is make me a cup of tea. The rest is all about him. Which I recently pointed out to him.
By the way on the resurrection of Chrissy side of things.
Yesterday I went to the doctors and got put back on anti depressents and Today I got that job I said I was going to get when the kids went back to school. It is only temp and part time but hopefully will get me back in the swing of working. I will start looking for a job more in the line of my training a week or so before this one ends. The only down side is it is early in the morning I am hoping I can get some kind of handle on my sleeping disorder real quick and in a hurry lol.
He then said that he is emotionally needy because I am not thats
Ok. You both are correct from where I am sitting. You are sounding very confidant and focused in your last few posts, but in the past you have made made references that he was physically abusive and extremely neglectful when you were seriously in need.
Im glad to hear that you wont take anymore of the physical abuse, and that you seem to be taking care of building up yourself. You seem sufficiently detached to be able to bringing your H up with you, so why not give it a whirl while you decide if you want to stay or go.
He is being honest, like GEL said he needs you to need him, see if you can find ways to do this, make him responsible for things. I wouldnt normally say this but it seems like you having some expectations of him would be a 180. Let him know something needs to get done, and then drop it. See what happens. You were correct, his insecurities are too many.
The next day being two down on the ML quota for the month. When I told him to drop the drawers he said no he did not feel good. I told him he had never taken that in consideration for me so to get to it.
ROFL. This is hysterically funny to me, and on top of that for you to consider yourself LD, more so. Head shaking, its very unfeminine, yet I can find no fault with it. I love it actually. Where you wearing leather and holding a whip? LOL.
no one has ever made mention of the way I speak of my self as a third party at times.
I find it funny, especially after Cobra came to my thread and spoke about me like a professor with a pointer educating his students on the various anomolies found in the sample subject. While you seem to be at the mercy of your emotions, you are too aware of your dysfunctionalities to be phsycotic. I had to bring it up and see why though. I guess we will call your present stage -doenst give a Sh!t chrissy. LOL.
Hi Chrissy... I thought the " drop the drawers" episode was hysterical too( well, not for you, but it is for those of us at home...kind of like Hdog's breast scene).
You are very focused on your H's needy behavior ( which, btw, I do agree is blechy). I think it would be helpful for you to think of a few things that H can do that would seem attractive in your eyes. He needs your admiration as well.
I know you are in a detached state, but I agree with BF that you are not as psycho as you like to paint yourself. You recognize the detachment...heck, the yrs I was withdrawn from H I was clueless that I was detached.
I think you can turn things around a bit when you are ready.
Yes and hmmm not neglectful as in not giving a [censored] no just oblivious to what was going on with me. My H as long as he is fed and sexed thinks we have a good relationship. So when I had sunken so far into depression and was literally bed ridden he never thought anything was wronge. When I wanted out was the first he stood up and payed attention to anything. Probably because at the same time I would not put out either. But that is just my opinion.
and that you seem to be taking care of building up yourself.
I am on a quest to make my self who I was before my H which was a very strong person. In my fear of my H I have allowed myself to become someone I do not like. I am not meek nor mimble and do not like having to act that way to keep myself and my kids safe. But it has been along road in my realization of who I am vs who I was and how I got here is what lead me to the Falling apart of Chrissy stage of life. (note this is when I started labling events, It was a way to disassociate myself from a person and actions I did not like).
You seem sufficiently detached to be able to bringing your H up with you,
???? Gonna have to explain that one to me
like GEL said he needs you to need him, see if you can find ways to do this, make him responsible for things
Oh he is not about doing things for me. He is somewhat a acts of service person. H does xy and expects sex as payment for doing such. What he wants is me to be love sick following him around wanting to pet him and coo after him all the while. And BF it is just not in my nature. I can compromise to a degree on this but it is not enough to appease him. And I am unwilling to compromise myself right out of even more of who I am to benifit him. I am being 100% truthful I do not find clingy and needy attractive hence I do not want to feel needy and clingy I have enough unattractive attributes looking me in the mirror.
Let him know something needs to get done, and then drop it.
Did this for 14 years have backed off on it over the last year while in C all my resentment for having to tell him like I was his mother instead of him using his eyes to see came spilling out. H stated he hated the way when I see something needs done or think something needs done I want it done now. So I seldom point out what needs done and seldom does anything get done now. H is lazy to the point he thinks everything can wait until tomorrow. Our Christmas tree is to heavy for me to pick up and carry up a ladder to the attic. Hence it is still in my den. Good thing Christmas is only a few months away!
ROFL. This is hysterically funny to me, and on top of that for you to consider yourself LD, more so
Nope the people here labled me LD I fought it but resigned to the fact I am the LD in my relationship. I could probably give some of the HD people her a run for there money! I do have some LD aspects or things people have filtered into the LD catagory. Like my not carring if I have a O or not and not being in a big hurry to again even if I do. But I think alot of that is conditioning and build up from my sitch and R mixed in with my detachment issues.
While you seem to be at the mercy of your emotions
Now you have me laughing. At the mercy of my emotions? What made you think that. I am at the mercy of my fear I believe but I control my emotions very well. To well I seem to have misplaced quite a few of them.
you are too aware of your dysfunctionalities to be phsycotic.
Really well hows this I have 3 core personalitys to go along with labeling events in my life. There is Chris who is the dont fu@@ with me angry side of my personality from my youth she can be a force to recon with . Then there is Christine she is the more professional/achievement pta based side of my personality and then there is Chrissy she is the best side she is the loving mother sister daughter fun loving enthusiastic adventure seeking side of my personality. No one other then my family and some really close friends call me Chrissy. I was called Chris while growing up going to school and such. I have been called Christine for the past 15 years. But Chrissy is who I am trying to get back to. She is the part of me I want people to see always. She is who I want to see when I look in the mirror. And yes she will have Chris and Christine rolled in but they will be secondary personalities blended into Chrissy. And before anyone one really thinks I have fallen off my rocker. All people have levels and aspects of there personalities I have just recognized and labled mine. And know which ones hold the traits I most want to find within my self. (Lou once said I was very organized and was good to lable things )
Where you wearing leather and holding a whip? LOL.
No but oddly enough this weekend while I was going threw some stuff I brought home from my store when I closed it I found some fur lined handcuffs and a feather and thought hmmm. I do have leather pants though I use to wear them to work lol. I don't know if I can still fit into a size 5 I think my year of idolness has taken me to a 7. Ahh another goal
