Quote: I opened up more, called him more, became less detached and then the ugly side of him creeped up more often.
Depending on what your H job is calling him just may not be appropriate. I am in meetings from 9am until 4pm all day, every day. If my W calls, she is interrupting a meeting. Accepting her call is inappropriate for me. It really stresses me out when she calls because I don't want to blow her off, but I'm in a meeting and it's weird.
Now, what I find totally cool is a text message. If you are calling to just say Hi and ask how things are going, a text message is much less intrusive. I can even text message back from the middle of the meeting.
If your H does have a rough schedule, you might suggest that he call when he finds an idle minute, just to say Hi. Then, be sure not to make it a long call, because if it is too long he won't call again because he'll be afraid of being on the phone too long and not being able to get back to work. So, just be really excited, thank him for calling to say Hi, and show respect for his job by saying I'm sure you have to get back to work so I'll let you go. Bye. ILY.
Hope that helps. Very possible none of it applies. <shrug>
Quote: I opened up more, called him more, became less detached and then the ugly side of him creeped up more often.
OK, totally different idea.
What if in the past your husband would listen and always be trying to fix your problem that you were discussing and then got shot down or you would get upset that he wasn't listening, or you had some other kind of negative reaction.
Then, as these topics come up again, he has a learned response that increases his anxiety. He knows, that he doesn't know what to do. His life, his job, his upbringing were always about KNOWING and DECIDING what to do, but with your issues and problems he may be impotent. So, you bringing up these things makes him feel less sure of himself, less of a man. It could actually be degrading his self-esteem.
Ask yourself what you really want. Do you just want him to listen and empathize? Do you NOT want your problems solved? If yes, then tell him this. That you are just looking for a sympathetic ear. You just need to get things that are frustrating you off your chest and you'll feel better.
Back in the DR book, Michele talks about not bringing up discussions when your H may not be conducive to being responsive; i.e. when he's at work, or just before bed, or during a football game.
Identify when your H is most conducive to listening empathetically and recreate those situations. Is it at 10:30 at night over cocoa at the kitchen table? Is it when you are in the bath and he's just in there talking to you? Find the good spots and avoid the bad spots.
It was nice meeting you and BurgBud (he of the locked thread) tonight. I enjoyed getting out and being able to talk about our sitches together. Seems a lot of people don't understand unless they've been through something like this themselves.
One of these days your H will wake up and recognize what a great M he could have if he'd work with you on it. I hope it happens while that's still the case so he doesn't have to kick himself in the butt too hard!
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
(heather) BTW, thanks for throwing the 'beautiful' part in there
I'm psychic like that. It's a gift. And I'm never wrong.
Don't fear, Koshka, a new thread is about to open, much to the chagrin of everyone who enjoys a quick read.
There's a lot I wanted to get out after meeting Heather but maybe one concept can get the point across. You know how you read somebody's thread and you think to yourself, "this person deserves someone better"? Well, that certainly applies, but I'd go a step further and say, "Someone out there deserves Heather." Because she's certainly not some pushover who stays in a bad relationship because she's not strong enough to get out. She's there because she's strong enough to stay. I worry that H's negativity could eventually wear her out. But right now she's a thinker and a do'er and an optimist who does not at all give the impression she's being beaten down by life. She's trying to make her M better for her and for her kids, not to please H.
Heather, you're making H's life better whether he recognizes that fact or not, and whether he deserves it or not. It's truly a shame that he can't drag himself out of whatever hole he's drug himself into and make life better for all of you, but that's totally him. If he doesn't stop feeling sorry for himself he's going to continue to live the life he's earned. I hope he pulls through before you're finally too tired of his crap to go on with him, but if that time comes, rest assured you'll find a guy out there who *does* deserve you. It may take awhile because there are a lot of dumbasses to sort through, but you'll find him.
And maybe he'll be wearing a Navy uniform? Hmmmm....
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Well, at least we know, from being here, that most of us are determined and through our struggles have likely learned a lot of really good relationship skills. Sounds like a great idea to me
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
And maybe he'll be wearing a Navy uniform? Hmmmm....
LOL! I don't know about all that....maybe in my younger years before I knew what a tough life it is!! But I can't imagine how any woman with blood in her veins could not have been impressed with those Naval Academy boys!!
Jabez, what happened to your autumn colors??!
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
I was always the first to hang up and made it evident that we had lots to do. So, oddly, he seemed to react more positively... Is there an underlying reason, i.e. that he doesn't want too much intimacy or he needs his space?
Don't know if they're applicable to your sitch, but maybe these posts may help shed some light?
