He wants your attention (I'm betting Quality Time is one of his love languages). My H is the same (and he's a total TV snob too).
Try taping your shows (It's faster to watch them anyway when you can ff through the commercials)and watch them at a more convenient (or less intrusive) time.
Do you think H sees your R as a parent/child dynamic? Some of the things he does seem like he's giving you "consequences" until your behavior falls in line with what he expects.
Parent/child....I don't know. I think my H realizes that I am pretty competent and if I look back I can see tons of places where I would have preferred to be 'taken care of' and instead he has left important things entirely up to me. That's not something one would do with a child I don't think. Although the consequences for my behavior aspect is pretty glaring, it seems to be really typical for how partners feel when they've been cheated on. I suppose that's because it isn't fair, there is no justice in it. Their worlds are turned upside down in a second and there's nothing they can do about it. The inflated feelings of justice take hold and the betrayed parnters seem to try to bring back some balance as they administer some justice of their own. Just my observations. And when I look at things this way, in the light of what I've observed and read, H's behaviors don't seem so out of the norm, except that he's a little more extreme than most people would go and very stubborn. So to sum all that up, I don't think the parent/child is the primary dynamic between the two of us, although it's a good theory.
I really hope he makes your trip to Annapolis; you guys seem like you're in a place where you could really see some progress with some time alone.
Well, H won't be able to come with me. He flies out Monday for Bremerton. Sigh. We really would have benefited from the time alone.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
Heatherg, Wanted to check in with you and thank you for coming to my defense back in that other thread. I was a little overwhelmed and disturbed by the response, and didn't really trust myself to respond in a graceful way.
Re: TiVo.
Your satellite company may have its own DVR and they are CHEAP. I just got one two weeks ago for $4 a month at 50% off for 6 months. AWESOME. I can watch a 1 hour show in about 40 minutes. Also, you can watch a show recorded last hour while a new one is taping. I was watching and fast forwarding through commercials on Lost while Invasion was being recorded. I watched to two shows in less than 1:30. Very cool.
Then last night, he started with a couple comments that really ticked me off.
Please don't take these comments as condescending or patronizing. The very first book I read on "relationships" was Steve Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Successful People and that was pre-bomb. In his book he says that we are all responsible for how we react. We are 'response - able", meaning we are able to choose our response. When you feel like you've made progress and then get hit with what you feel like are unfair criticisms, it's frustrating, but we can choose our response.
Moving on from the theory to the application, I'm asking myself, how can you have the GAL time that you want/need and H still feel the quality family time he wants/needs? I thought about "time-shifting" the TV programs. By the time I posted this, it looks like you've got a solution to this problem. How often to you go to Karate each week? Is it only Sunday at 2 for one hour a week?
Congrats on the positive steps forward. It's a shame about the trip not being what you wanted.
I don't really have any new insight, however I wanted to say that I think you are doing a great job at objectively evaluating your sitch. and learning about yourself and being patient and understanding towards your H. You are really growing as a person, so good for you!
Thanks guys, sorry I haven't been doing a very good job at keeping my thread up to date. My mom is here visiting and I'm trying to spend my evening time with her.
HardHead: No problem, I don't think I was all that graceful myself, but I said what I felt. Thanks for stopping by my thread, I have yours tagged and I catch up now and then although I don't think I've posted yet. I will definitely check out TiVo. It just makes good sense anyway to get rid of the commercials and save time.
Jabez: Please don't take these comments as condescending or patronizing.
Not at all! You have shown yourself to be a friend, so thank you.
The very first book I read on "relationships" was Steve Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Successful People
I've always meant to read this and never have. I think I'll get it on audio. Audio books are so great when time is limited!!
When you feel like you've made progress and then get hit with what you feel like are unfair criticisms, it's frustrating, but we can choose our response.
Of course you are right. Controlling my own reactions has been on my agenda for months and probably will be for the rest of my life with H. There have been a few situations where I walked away feeling good about the way I handled myself, but for the most part it is still a struggle. 'Silence is Golden' is my new mantra. Often, I am not happy with anything that I say, so I've decided that I should say nothing in most cases. Ideally, I would like to go to karate Monday and Friday nights at 8pm and then on Sunday at 2pm. With the family and all of the other things we have going on, I rarely get to go that often and sometimes I can't go for weeks at a time b/c H is travelling. H doesn't dispute that I rarely get to go as much as I'd like, but it still drives him crazy that I even *try* to go that often.
Still_Hopeful: Thanks for the encouragement, I really appreciate it.
Not much is going on. H flew out to Bremerton today and will be gone for a couple weeks. Our R has been a little strained, not quite as positive as it had been. Every negative interaction we have chips away really hard at any positive progress we had made. At least in my heart and mind it does. He has made some really mean comments and has not been very kind or affectionate. My mother is here, so that may be part of it. He no longer likes my family very much, so....we were also running in a thousand different directions getting things ready for S5's b-day party. We had a lot to do b/c H has been travelling so much, a lot of things have gone undone. So we had to catch up *and* prepare for the party in a week and it was stressful. Hopefully, we can pick back up on a more positive note when he gets back. Sometimes it seems like things will never change on a long term basis for us....every time we have an encounter that reminds me of the way things were, I get frustrated and think that H is never going to change. And that's really, really hard b/c I want things to work between us so badly. The hatred I feel for him lies under the surface, lurking. And as soon as I see the ugly side of him, the hatred takes over. I don't mean that I lose control, but that the negative feelings take over the positive ones and I'm left wondering what the heck I'm trying to do here. Ok, I think I'm tired, I'm rambling. Sorry! Night all.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
One more thing before I forget, I'm too tired to fully post on it now, but I will post more on it later and would love to have others' thoughts on it as well. You know how Michele says to do what works? Well, when things started going better between H and I, I was trying to be really detached. Not talking about my personal life, really sort of pulling away. But I was being very nice, not at all resentful. He seemed to respond well to that attitude. But then when we started getting along better, I opened up more, called him more, became less detached and then the ugly side of him creeped up more often.
Thoughts on that?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
'Silence is Golden' is my new mantra. Often, I am not happy with anything that I say, so I've decided that I should say nothing in most cases.
When I come across a sitch where I feel like the heat is building and things are getting out of hand, I picture the big, red stop sign that MWD talks about in thought stopping. Later when I am calmed down and alone, I think about what I really want my response to be and hopefully can still present it at another time. If I start the convo in a respectful manner, I usually get the chance to present my point more calmly. It also gives me a chance to look at the sitch from other perspectives to see if my point is defensible.
Well, when things started going better between H and I, I was trying to be really detached. He seemed to respond well to that attitude. But then when we started getting along better, I opened up more.
Just a thought. What if you stayed detached and waited to see if H opened up to you and started calling you? Or maybe when you open up to him and call him he feels like you are encroaching in on his bubble? Maybe at this point H still needs "some space"?
Take care and keep going! Enjoy your family's visit.
