I've never left him before, so I think this is it.
I couldn't get rid of the WAW feeling no matter what I did. I wasn't happy enough to 'act as if', I wasn't happy enough with the small moves he was making towards me.
I am exhausted after nearly 4 years. I cannot get passed the sexual rejection and how it makes me feel. I'm not prepared to put my whole life on hold to wait while he has space. I believe he loves me, but not enough.
I'm tired of the hot and cold, of the chase and never getting anywhere. I'm tired of being alone every night instead of with a partner I could be with, but I'm still holding on to him.
I'm tired of the mind games, of having him there one minute and not the next. I worn out with trying to be a mother one day and not having them there the next. After 4 years of hardly seeing them, my bonds are dying with all of them. I just can't make it stick.
I'm sick of the criticisms re my mothering; there have been one too many.
I'm fed up of the uncertainty, of crying, of him doing all this stuff for me one day and then not.
I'm tired of putting so much into this R when he never does.
I was 24. I was 24 when he said this R wasn't working and a couple of weeks shy of 25 when he left. I am 28 now. Apart from casual dating for a few months, I have never had another partner.
I have been denied the SL I deserve in my twenties when it should be the most active time in my life. I feel like half a woman I feel like someone has ripped my arm off.
I'm sick of never being included in the home ed, of always feeling as if he's ashamed of me.
I'm fed up with the way his dozens of friends always take first precident over me, how he always running off to console some distressed FF and he doesn't care if I'm stressed.
I give everything I've got and I just get nothing back.
He sent me a text message with a kiss on it, saying he'd be online in a bit. He didn't come online for ages, and I'd just had it my then.
My 5 year old DD dressed DD4 this morning because he was in bed
I just burst into tears and said I can't do this anymore. It is too difficult to love you, it is different this time.
He asked me why it was different, so I told him. He said that he did love me, but he just didn't have it in him to commit to a full time R at the moment. I said exactly, I will never be important to you, you will never love me enough. You never let me into your life etc etc.
I told him that I was no longer his amazon, that he'd had another lover since the first time and he preferred her. He said 'actually I just prefer not to make comparisons.' I said well I've been hurt, I needed to hear that you wanted ME.
He said we could still go out to dinner together but he didn't think I wanted to. I said I couldn't, I just couldn't do it anymore and especially not as friends; my heart has just been broken too many times.
He went silent and refused to answer so I think he was upset. Then I went offline.
That is it. I think it's over this time as I can't imagine him fighting for me.
((((Jo)))) I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. It will be hard for you to really let go of Andy, but I pray that if you can, you will find the happiness you truly deserve.
We do reach a point where we can't take anymore and to save ourselves we must let go. It sounds like you've reached that point. I've been there, done that. You're an amazingly strong woman. You're going to be OK.
You've fought long and hard, and I also respect your right to stop DBing. I did notice that your focus on XH had grown over the past month, with more reactivity than in the past (vs. controlling your mood, thoughts with GAL stuff). Believe me, I know how difficult it is.
I thought I read that you were quitting on your DDs as well. I hope that's not the case, as they are innocent victims in this D, and deserve access to you as their mother.
Maybe going dark for a break will help you to answer that last question. Be gentle with yourself, Jo.
Don't get me wrong, I love Andy and I know he loves me in his own way, but after that last four and a half months when he got cold feet, I was at the point where if he returned, we would have to have a proper relationship or not have one at all.
This time round he did make some breakthroughs (with the ILY etc) but he was still behaving in the same on/off way and I need security. I simply can't carry on entertaining him when he behaves like that. If he wants me, he wants me and if he dosn't, he doesn't. He can't have it both ways. I did tell him that at the start and what with the no ML and 'I need space' etc etc, I just saw it as more of the same, and it was making me deeply unhappy to be with him in that context.
I don't like feeling miserable all the time and so I had to call it off. I've had enough uncertainity to last a lifetime.
If he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I would.
Somehow I don't think I am important enough to him, so I am going to get on with my life without him. His loss. He knows how much I love him and that there will never be another woman that feels as passionate as I do about him. He's just thrown all that away by his phobia of commitment. I know he'll regret it forever, even he said he'd have to deal with it because it's through 'his actions.'
The daft, bloody stupid fool. I feel really angry at the moment. Why couldn't he tell me ILY in 2003 when I was pregnant with his baby and we were house-sharing and we could have made it work? Why tell me ILY after he has had 2 OW and he's broken my heart so many times, I can no longer bear it? Why? He waits till I have no strength left to tell me he loves me, and then I can't even DB anymore! I'm furious!
As for the kids, we don't know each other very well anymore, and every time I see them there is some horrible thing said about my parenting. I am having to DB with them and it as as hard as with Andy. My mood always drops, I end up snapping at DD4 and feeling miserable and then she gets upset.
It sounds awful, but I am calmer and more centred when it is just me and DD4. I still have nightmares about the court stuff and him snatching the kids all the time, and I can't look at them without thinking that. Nothing is natural, and it's always in the back of my mind 'would he approve if I did this with them?' (because if he doesn't, then I get to hear about it). It feels like a noose around my neck.
I don't intend to walk out on my children, at least not in the long-term, but I don't see myself as their mother anymore. What I hope for is that I will become like an aunty or a friend they might confide in. If I could achieve that, I would be happy with that. It would take some of the misery away, of being a childless mother.
I had 2 missed calls on my cell phone today. It's either Andy calling from his landline or EX-OM calling. I'm hoping it's not EX-OM as he gets obsessive and I don't need that again. I have ignored it.
I am surprisingly together considering. No crying etc today and I took DD4 to a steiner toddler group and then chatted to a friend till 2pm. I have paid my bills, done my housework (some of it) and feel okay. It scares me how little emotion I feel.
Its really normal to such a variety of emotions swirling about. Sounds like you do need to drop the rope and focus on yourself. Pour on that self-care, Hon. I'm thinking about you.
A hypothetical question for all: Is ending it well any different than dropping the rope and getting on with one's GAL work?
There comes a time to let go completely. If it is meant to be with your XH then he won't let you get away. He'll prove his love to you. If it's not meant to be then you are too young to live life waiting on a potential R with him that might or might not be fulfilling for you. Good luck hun.
Gabe, I don't think there is a difference. When you've successfully dropped the rope and GAL you are no longer waiting for something from your X. If something happens, you might or might not be available to the XS anymore.
W
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
*huge hugs* Jo - I'm so sorry. I know that's not an easy thing to decide to do. But you have to take care of yourself and DD4. If it's meant to happen later, Andy will step up and do what he should have done a long time ago. You're in my prayers.
To be honest, I think dropping the rope and GAL work are the same as being dark. It's walking away, the same as I have done, but I thought the term implied the person still had hope that their X would see the light.
As for myself, I view what I did as walking away from him full stop and I don't even consider that I am actively doing GAL work, just simply being me.
Being me is enough for me, I don't have to make an effort to like myself or my work or my child, so that's enough for me.
I know Andy loves me, but his kind of half love I simply don't need. I was more upset like that than when I'm on my own (in fact, on my own I'm not upset) and I always said to myself if there comes a point where he upsets me more than he gives me pleasure, that's when I would leave. That time has come.
R's are supposed to be about give and take, and after 4 years of him taking from me, I am worn out. He can show massive amounts of empathy for other people and spend 8 hours consoling a distressed friend, yet only squeeze me in for an hour - the woman he is supposed to love. It's so disrespectful.
He gets himself involved with all these down and outs (because he has a thing about 'rescuing' people) and spends more time sorting their problems than his own. His whole family has fallen apart, yet he cares more about someone else going through a D, or someone who has been assaulted etc etc. I had it in the M, where he would form EA's with FF's because they had problems.
During my M I had to put up with his EA's with 2 women who'd just been raped, an assault victim, criminal activities, you name it, just because he felt sorry for them and wanted to be knight in shining armour.
That's actually how we got together in the first place, because I came from a violent home and I'd lost the friendship I had with his bro after he went to college, so I was feeling bereft and he was a shoulder to cry on.
I tell you, he doesn't like strong women. With OW1 it was the same, she was also in a state and as soon as she had got herself together, that was it.
I'm sure he finds me intimidating when I am self-assured, and I know he doesn't like my career because I'm making a go of things without him.
After all this time I am sick of his drama. I just want him to forget about his drop outs, forget about other people's problems and concentrate on his own, and if he bloody loves me, to prove it and marry me so we can be a family.
I'm not talking to him again, unless he comes round here with a ring and a pre-organised date for the wedding.
Jo.
PS: Sorry if I sound pissed off. Everyone on here is lovely.
I feel like someone has ripped my arm off.