Yesterday was just a good day overall. I was off from work and completed most of my to do list. Drycleaners groceries etc. I had told H that I was going to cook steaks outside for dinner and asked if he wanted ribeye or sirloin before he left for work. Ribeye won. He did not get home until almost 7 from picking up stepson. I was cleaning the house vacuuming when he came in. He came over and kissed me and told me he had to go back to work because he had forgotten to place an order. I just said okay, call me when you are on your way back and I will start cooking then. I just continued to vacuum the stairs as he left. He got to his car turned around and came back in and said he was going to do the order in the morning instead. So we spent the evening talking and he even suggested sitting outside on the patio. This is something we used to do alot. Sit outside listen to music drink a beer or two and talk about our goals and future. It was a nice evening. We never did cook the steaks. I guess that is what is for dinner tonight. H even woke up this morning and actually initiated ML. While I realize that all can change in a blink, I am just going to enjoy my moment. At least I see some effort from him which is more than I have in the past. I do not know for sure why he did not actually go back to work last night and why he turned around. He did not say and I did not ask. I am just glad that he did.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Thanks Chrissy. I hope all goes well too. H just called to let me know he was on his way home and even said the L word. I keep promising myself to walk softly and just be greatful that right now he is almost acting normal. I see the C on Monday for my one on one. I actually am looking forward to that. Finally be able to get everything off my chest so to speak. I do a pretty good job at that here too. I am just wondering how to proceed. Move forward with out this thing in the back of mind messing everything up. You know the one that says he did this twice, it could happen again. It is a trust that was broken and I guess you can not gain that back overnight. I am really jumping ahead here and just need to focus on here and now to see how everything finally works out. Baby steps right? I guess I need to remember I am not running a race here. Somedays I just would like to fast forward through the rough stuff and find out what the ending is. But I guess this is life and not TiVo.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Maybe you could make a list of little things that have changed in between the two of you, Little things you have changed about yourself and ways that you changed interacting with the H over the past few months. To keep as a reminder so there is no back sliding or at least you recognize it if there is. It may also point to behaviors that did not work for you in the past and give you a little insight into what may be working.
Also the trust thing. In truth none of us no for fact our spouse will not walk out tomorrow. We think we do. But look how many people on the WAS board never saw it coming. It is a chance we all take. The fact that he has already left twice will never go away. But maybe this time you and him can come to a place of understanding of what is going on with him. And in time the fact you stood beside him and never gave up. May allow him to see you for all the love you give him and he will be able to give it back double fold. Take it slow. They say time heals all wounds. If not it at least dulls the pain. Here is hoping the two of you figure it out. And build dreams for a long running future
blackfoot, if you are still out there I would like to hear your opinion. I guess the male perspective is always wanted. I just got home from work about an hour ago. Inventory night I hate. Can you add any insight? Or Jak or Lou or anyone. Just searching right now. I really respect everyones opinion, just trying to figure this whole thing out.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
What I see in your H's running away getting his own place is a whole lot of fear.
he runs away from fear of not having any control in the R, believing he cant 'take care' satisfy you because of the ED, and whatever other issues are going on.
Is your career, job 'better' then his in some way?
Essentially he is running away before you can leave him.
However when he does run off, his fear of not having you sends him back again, but at the same time his need for you causes him to be angry... hence the acting out at you.
None of this is a solution for you however. These are his problems that you can only be there while he works thru them. Has he come back yet? If not I would say 'you cant come back untill you are here to work on this R.' That will take time to prove.
It shakes the dynamic a little and has risk of him acting out more, but puts your feet on a little firmer ground and IF he does agree then you can have a 'smidge' more confidance. You have set a boundary. Someone has to slow this rollercoaster down.
You will know if any of this rings true for you, its just what I see,
bf, I do see I guess some of what you say. I think his whole fantasy thing stemmed from the fact that he has some issues in that area right now and he knows that. As far as careers go, we essentially do very similar jobs just with different companies. I do make more money than he does, but I have been doing this for quite a bit longer than he has.
He is back at home. He actually only left for about a week back in August. About a week ago I told him that I felt the only reason he was here and going to MC was so he could walk away with a clear conscience and would be able to say he tried everything and it did not work. I did not feel he was truly working on our relationship nor his own issues. After telling him this, I have seen some hope with him. He apologized for behavior at C. Some of the nice things like spending some quality time and just genuine gestures from him. But like with everything It is still one day he is up the next its back down again. So far for the past 3 days everything seems okay. Of course I did not see him yesterday because of work. I know that I do tend to enable his behavior.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Went to the C solo today for the first time.I think I am more confused now then I was before I walked in the door. I was able to talk about some things that I could not with H present. His whole fantasy into reality thing came out. It was something I just needed to say. I did not understand why he acted on that the way he did. C could not either other than it was possible that since he felt he could not satisfy me sexually that it would be something he wanted to see happen for me. I just did not like the way he decided to have that take place. C also said that considering our issues right now that would actually only add to them.
Since we have already met with C 3 times prior at least some background was there. C told me that they felt given my H background that my h does not feel that he deserves the happiness. My H had a very rocky life prior to me meeting him. Never knew his father had to grow up quickly etc... Bad short term relationships in his past. Then all of a sudden he meets me and turns his world around and bring him into mine. Stable. I am a strong woman with direction in my life. I come from a very family oriented family. Parents married 45 years, the whole deal. C said when he finally got what he was looking for his whole life, he does not feel like he deserves to be happy. So since nothing was going wrong he decides to create turmoil in his life, and mine.
I am confused at that. Even though C is right that H has had a very unstable background, why would that make him desire that once he is in a stable relationship. C said due to the fact that at every session H professes his love for me and how lucky he has been just to have me in his life, then saying what he says and acting the way he does, says that he is feeling that he does not deserve it. It being happiness. GREAT!! I have a H that is unhappy with just being happy! I keep thinking maybe if I just make him miserable everything will be okay?!
I am so tired of this. I know C said that I am the only one who can determine how much of the rollercoaster I want to ride. I guess I am hopelessly (or hopefully) along for the ride. Somedays I wish so much that life would just be normal. At this point I do not really know what normal looks like anymore. I guess it is just a path I have to take. My choice. I could just say fine, leave. You can not figure out who you are and what you want now. But no, I have to love this man. I have to ride along with him. My choice. God I am so just venting.
The more I think about it the more I think about it. I am tired of thinking right now. Nothing makes sense to me. Best time to stop thinking is when knowing it is not helping. I think I am just going to go downstairs and be happy. Sure beats the way I really feel. It is not a good feeling to know that basically there is not a damn thing I can do at this point. Just wait. Just go on with me and my life and hope that H figures his out before WE can move on. It has been a long year 1/2. Well I guess there is nothing else going on, I may as well see the ride through and see how it finally does end right? Okay.. done whith my rant. May not make any sense. Sorry.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Just thought I would update what has been going on with me and my sitch. I have recieved alot of great advice here and for the most part everything is actually going well. No rollercoaster for over a week. Just really seems to be going pretty well. H is even helping out around the house which is so unusual. He told me the reason he never really helped out before was basically because I allowed him not to. I never said much about it and never complained. Now that he knows that I have been resentful about the fact he has actually started to do more. We have even started cooking dinner together. I have been telling him how much I appreciate the effort he is putting forth. We have both been going to the C separately. I think it has definately helped my H and his personal issues and MLC. He has been a totally different person. I am not sure why? But thats okay. As long as we are continuing to make forward progress. It is nice to here him talk about our future again. We have ML more in the past 10 days than we have for the last 6 months. It makes me hopeful that he is at least trying. I am not sure when we should try the MC again. Should I wait until he tells me that he is ready? I do not know if we should go while we are still seeing the C solo. As well as things seem to be going, I just do not want there to be any unresolved issues that rear their ugly heads in 6 months. One day at a time, one step at a time. Thank you all for the advice and support.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
