Steady and big progress; Yet....

[doctorcue]

Hey all, it has been a while since I posted, but I thought I would give an update as to what is going on. For those who don't know (I assume most! ); Here is my old thread:

Need Advice

So, a lot has happened since my last post. Essentially, my wife came over to my new apartment and told me she wanted us to "work" and she wanted to live there. Take some time, but eventually moved in. Well, we moved a little too fast and started talking about decorating & such. Also, so happy, I got a little too physical for her. At the end of the weekend, I could tell she wasn't comfortable. Basically, she felt we jumped in too fast. Also, she said that she was uncomfortable with the level of touching or "desire" I had for her. That it has always been an issue.

As a side note, she told me that sex has always been an issue. That I made her feel like that is all I wanted. I don't know how to take this as she initiated contact with other guys and looks at adult material on the web all the time. So I don't know if it is a cop-out. I do feel as though I did request to be physical (my LL along with QT) too often, so I have really worked on that. Also, I found out prior to the first weekend that she told the OM that "I married her because I loved her, not for sex." So when the weekend hit and I asked for it, I just proved the OM right. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

So... things got somewhat undone for a couple of weeks. Big backslide on my part, but I just shook it off as a mistake and moved forward. I re-established some goals. Actually, I was writing new ones when the wife called and said she wanted to stay the weekend again. Thankful for another chance, I kept my cool and said I would love to. Easy weekend, really DB'n on my part, & just keeping it easy. She sent me an email the Monday she got back and said she had a great time. That she is "100% committed to me" and wants to move in before Halloween. She knows it was just one weekend, but can feel us reconnecting. We have since shared another weekend together where she talked about moving in sooner, like October 1st! I kept it cool and she talked about getting a new couch (our old one SUCKS) and we did some shopping.

So to say the least, I'm happy but somewhat confused. We have been separated for 16 weeks. During this time we have had our ups & downs but usually stayed in contact. So here I am at the crossroads of piecing everything back and trying to build a new life. Yet I have concerns. I know she still contacts other man. Frequently as that as she can call whenever or he can text her whenever. Also, she has told me over the weeks about how he makes her feel and that is what was missing from our relationship. So I have really worked on making the proper changes for us in myself.

Now, the question I have is what should I ask or expect of her? I don't know if she has changed at all. Obviously she is more open to me and things have felt more couple like recently. Yet, our we functioning again because the affair is fizzling? At what point should I do an OR talk? I definitely want to go back to counseling, but when do I ask for this? It may seem bad, but I feel as though I had to restart everything and now she is feeling that I am the better choice. So, it would only make sense to move in with me. Yet is it me or the new environment she wants? I don't feel as if she is choosing me. In the past I would have emailed her a long list of questions, but I know that isn't the right thing to do. As always, "Will this work towards my goals" DB questions come into my mind. So I come here to the knowledgeable people and ask for advice.

Tough and I know it will be tougher as we go along. Yet, I have to take baby steps and realize the successes I have encountered. Let me list them:

She is moving back in next weekend
She is wearing her wedding ring again (at her choice)
She wants to do a weekend in Tahoe when it snows (romantic I take it)
She talks about doing a 5th Anniversary trip to Florida next May

So, all is not bad, but I guess I have my John Gray identified Mr Fix-it hat on. I know I need to kick that off and strap on the DB-Beanie for this winter. Then the DB baseball cap in Spring. Then the DB Safari hat for summer (it gets hot!). So I guess, I just need to set a new set of goals now that she is coming back to me. I guess I just want to know why. Is it wrong to want to know? It feels as if it would be wrong to ask though. I just don't know... help!

[doctorcue]

Well, just an update for those who have read this. The wife called and asked if it was cool to move in this weekend. I said yes, I would enjoy that very much. So starting tonight, we are living together again.

Hate to say it, but I'm concerned about it. I'm concerned that it doesn't feel right. I thinking last night this is what I wanted for all these weeks, but now that it is here, I just hope it is for the right reasons. Anyone know how-to or how should I react to this? It is not that I don't want ther there, because I do. I guess how do I reassure myself and not allow myself to close up for fear of being hurt?

I am looking forward to this though. I really feel that we need a new start and perhaps this will be it.

[slowly]

As prosaic as it sounds, time is what you need. These doubts are normal, and will re-emerge even after you feel you have worked through your concerns. Learning to live with some doubt is not all bad, it will stop us from taking things for granted.

How have your first few days back together been?

Slowly

[dogma]

PATIENCE.

It feels "wrong" because it is different from your normal behavior, asking lots of questions, pressuring her, wondering what is going on, and you know how well that worked.

Treat it as the NEW relationship it is and be very, very patient, with her and yourself. And keep those negative thoughts away. Focus on the positives as you have. Just enjoy the time without worrying so much about the result or the future or the whatever.

Continue to be the strong, positive new you and the dividends will continue to pay out. There will be rough spots but I suspect you are better equipped to handle them. Just slow down and enjoy. And you can't guarantee you won't get hurt again, but you have become a stronger person.

[doctorcue]

Hey Slowly,

Thank you for your reply. The past four days have been good. We are about 95% done moving all of "our" stuff in the apartment. No fights, no quietness, just lots of time together. Before when she intially stated she wanted to be there, we talked about redecorating, but dropped it when we realized we were moving too fast. Now we are actually in the process of doing that. We'll be painting the apartment next weekend. Figure that is a good bonding thing to bring us together. We both talk about the new start.

This past Saturday after we moved a bunch of stuff in, we attended an anniversary party of one of my friends. When my wife was getting ready, I could see she was upset. Somewhat because of her hair, but something else. She wouldn't admit anything, but just sat on the couch for a little bit. I took this opportunity to address "What if someone asks you about us?" At that point she started to cry so I just held her hand and asked her the same question. Yet, I said to answer me. She told me that it feels right. She wants to work on us and make it right. I just listened to her and gave her some hugs while she let her emotions flow. I told I agreed with everything she said and that she should tell anyone who so rudely could ask the same answer. Afterwards, I cracked some jokes to lighten up the mood. We had a good, although short, time at the party.

Since then, we have just been straightening up the apartment. Sorting through various boxes and such. Monday morning was cool as we kissed each other good-bye, I said how cool it is that I'll be returning to her that night. She had a nice glowing smile. That felt good. We have since bought tickets for some events in the future. Lion King play in February. We have talked about getting away for our 5th anniversary next May.

So we have made some steps in the right direction. Just as Dogma has posted, I have had to exhibit a ton of Patience. Things aren't the same, but I know they won't be. Not all of the closeness I desire, but getting there. One of my main concerns is that the OM continues to text message her. I assume it is mutual, but I can't allow myself to be consumed by it. I just wonder when it will die. Or is this the pattern we'll always exhibit? This isn't the first EA my wife has had.

I want to go back to counseling, but I am not sure how to bring it up. If I do it now, I may make things bad/uncomfortable for a while. If I wait too long, then perhaps it will have the wrong effect. Should I recommend reading the DR book to her? She started reading the LL book, but I'm not sure that she finished it.

So I'm just continuing to enjoy the days. Go to work, workout at the gym, & return home to the wife. Ah the days... crazy ain't it?