That is what you need to do then. Sit back and wait for things to fall apart if that is what you think is going to happen. You don't want to be the cause of their break-up. Take the higher road.
Honestly, if my H were in a relationship with another women I would do nothing to be the cause of the break-up. (He was by email but it never turned into any physical.) I knew things would fall apart without my involvement. When I found out about her, I never called her or contacted her in any way whatsoever. H even warned her in emails that I may be calling. I refused to stoop so low. She was not worth my time. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction for a second. This way of thinking has always worked for me. I just let God handle things, and it always works out in my favor. Sorry if I am not much help, but that is how I see things.
Sometimes giving advice is how we support each other; even when the advice seems harsh. But, enough on that subject.
First: the info you get on his new R is secondhand and hearsay. It's not always true.
Second: What have you done to make changes since the two of you divorced? Have you made a set of goals to work on? (not just related to the affair, there must have been other reasons that both of you were unhappy.) Are you absolutely sure that if the two of you had a chance to be together, that the same problems wouldn't come up again? T
Also, stop beating yourself up because of your mistakes. I used to do that, and it got me nowhere. Learn from them and do better in the future. No one in this world is perfect. We are all far from that. I think most people live their life the best way they know how. Now you know better so you can do better.
Yes Sam, it is very sad and hard. I have extreme guilt and I feel the pain of what I've done everyday. The pain has faded with time, however, I dont think it will ever completely go away. For some reason I have been having dreams about him everynight and it is triggering me again.
I guess if he were happy and planning a wedding I would have a much easier time moving on. Maybe not easier, but would force myself to move on and let him be happy. I guess I am questioning myself b/c I am moving 3000 away next year and when I leave I doubt I will have any contact at all.
The information I receive is from SIL. She is close with him and tells me how the family is very frustrated with OW since she doesnt help at all with the baby and wont get a job.
I did go to IC and thats where I found out about why I did what I did. I really didnt know how to be a wife. My mother and father dont have a great relationship and I was basically pushing him away like my mother does to my father. I know its not an excuse, just a possible reason why I did what I did.
Sex was the biggest issue in our relationship. We were totally incompatible b/c he always wanted it and I never did. There were 2 reasons for this.
1. I was taught by my mother that sex was dirty so I had a hard time being inimate with exh
2. Sex was somewhat painful for me and I couldnt figure out why. Turns out I have a cyst that makes it very painful for me. I have since gotten rid of that problem.
You know you aren't the only one to blame for everything falling apart in your marriage. He probably has a lot of regrets and may be dealing with guilt just like you. As time goes on and your guilt lessons, you will see things more clearly and the ways you both played parts in the break-up. To me it sounds like things are pretty bad with OW. I feel sorry for the child though. I would sit back, wait and see what happens.
I know what you mean about not having good role models for marriage. Honestly, I don't think it is an excuse. My marriage fell apart for a number of reasons, but I think a big reason was because H and I had bad role models for how to act in a marriage. We repeated what our parents did almost exactly. Now we both understand that there are different ways to treat your spouse, and we are greatful that we have realized this. We say that in our next marriage, whether with each other or not, we now understand what it takes to make a marriage work. Just another lesson learned the hard way I guess.
Quote: The information I receive is from SIL. She is close with him and tells me how the family is very frustrated with OW since she doesnt help at all with the baby and wont get a job.
That's what I'm trying to say. Your SIL does not like this woman and will continue to cut her down. You don't really know how your ex feels about her. You can't know his thoughts.
You've explained a lot of the reasons leading up to the M problems, but what are your solutions? How will you not treat your xh (if you were to get back together) or your bf the same way? Do you have a more open view on sex now or need to work on this? Would you be able to get along better than your parents and how would you do that? T
I understand how you still love him and know how painful that is, but he does have a child now so if I was you, I would not pursue your XH. I would not have accepted an R with my XH if he had got either of his OW pregnant, even though we have 4 daughters together.
I'll tell you from experience, my MIL hated me (and my own mother) and spent the majority of my M, trying to start fights between me and H.
How do you know your MIL isn't just gossiping? You can't know what his new partner is like without seeing for yourself. If MIL doesn't like her, if she wanted you to reconcile, it seems reasonable that she would say bad things about him.
And it isn't fair to split up the family of a baby on the basis of a pre-concieved judgement about how his/her mother behaves.
I'm not bashing you either (just pointing out my honest opinion and what I would do), and if that was me, I would seek C about my unresolved feelings, I would concentrate strongly on my current R and I would find a way to have closure with XH.
I hope this advice doesn't upset you, that isn't the aim, but your current bf sounds as if he's sticking by you, your XH has a family now so if you were to rush in and break them up, it would be causing upheaval for 3 families (yours, XH's new family and bf and his family).
This BB is an excellent place for exploring painful feelings, and GAL work, though, so please keep posting. I'm sure we can help you on your journey.
