Hello. I am new here and am in need of some advice from anyone right now. I am not sure if this is the correct forum to post, so let me know if it isnt. I am posting in the sex starved marriage forum since this has everthing to do with that. I thought about the midlife crisis forum since I am pretty sure that my husband is going through that as well. I dont quite understand all the abbreviations so I will just spell it out. This is hard for me to even write about since I do tend to be a private person, but that is not helping me. I can and will go into more details about my husbands midlife thing, but this question I have is about sex. I am not sure if the MLC plays into this or not. We are in couples therapy right now and have not had an opportunity to talk about this yet. My husband and I have been married for almost 6, together for 9 and known each other for 12. When we were dating prior to marriage the sex was CRAZY! I guess lustful is the word. It was great. And it still is even inspite of othe issues. It is just very infrequent now. I have a very high sex drive. At one point so did my husband. In the last 2 years it has gone downhill. I still want this and my husband is, well less than interested. Long story short, we started counseling a few weeks ago and sex has definately been more frequent. But during our "communication" exercize that we do every evening my husband started talking about us having sex with other people. Not affairs, just sex. He said he would like to watch me do this with another person and even participate and he would like to do the same thing. That he found that exciting. I realize that there are "open marriages" and that people do these things, but is it normal especially when a marriage is already trying to be worked on? I am 40 and my husband is 38. I guess what I am asking is this a normal thing for a man to want? I am trying so hard to work this out in my mind, I guess I just need someones opinion. Please.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Around here, "normal" is kind of the N-word. The important thing is do both partners agree that an activity is okay (barring physical abuse and criminal things, etc.). Clearly this new avenues causes you distress, and that is reason enough to make the activity off limits. But the larger question is what's up with him that he's thinking along these lines?
I'm guessing he's looking for more stimulation by playing with thoughts of more out of the ordinary stuff. He may have had these fantasies for years, but until you started the communication exercises, he didn't feel comfortable bringing them out. (The IDEA of having multiple partners is a turn-on for me, but I would never do it in real life in a million years. I've also never had a partner who really wanted to know what my fantasies are, and I have some pretty elaborate ones!) I think it's important that you accept the fantasy and not run screaming from the room (even though you may want to), but make it clear that playing with the idea doesn't mean you are going to do it. Is he just sharing fantasies, or does he really want to do this? If you two work with the fantasy, will that work for him?
I'm sure others will chime in with their ideas. This is a really smart group. Just my 2 cents.
It is not so much that it distresses me. It is surprising to hear this come out of my husbands mouth. I listened to what he was saying and even asked for some clarification on what it is he wanted. It just seems odd that the man that has had sex with me less than once a month for the past 1 1/2 years to have even said this. He know that I have a higher sex drive currently than he does. I am not obsessed with it, I just want to more than once a month. Maybe 2-3 times a week would be nice. He has even admitted to having some difficulty with himself. He says that this is a turn on for him. I do not necessarily think that that is wrong, we all have our fantasies. I guess with all of the issues that we are trying to work out right now, It is hard for me to understand.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Hello, MLC? Maybe, but maybe he needs a bit more of a stimulus. This is something they don't teach gals. Guys can loose effectiveness, ergo Viagra.
He is possibly trying to regain the 20 year old in him. This won't really be able to happen. Has he stayed current with visits to his physician? Is he able to talk with him/her? Might be a topic to "converse" over.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I would be very careful with the three-some idea. I am sure that this fantasy is one that just about every man has had. I even believe that some couples can even enjoy this encounter but I have known several who have tried it and it has ruined their Rs. I know although I have thought of myself with two women, there is no way in hell that I want another man touching my W (XW now). I am just saying three in the mix never seems to work out well weather just sex or as most here find out in there marraige.
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
That is my fear. What if I give in and say I am willing to give into his "fantasy". I know he says that that is what he wants. That it would help and it is exciting to him... But what if that fantasy played out is more that he bargained for. I am not sure it is even something I can handle. Our counselor said to not be close minded and to listen to each other. I am listening and can not say I have never fantasized about sex with other people. But the reality is I have never with anyone I was not in a committed realationship with. I am trying to remain open minded but I am a bit worried. Like I said, we are already trying to work on other issues in our marriage. Living out a fantasy at this point scares me on what damage it could do. He knows that I am willing to do anything to try to save our marriage, but this seems to me to be off the edge.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
and I guess I should clarify the fact that he wants to watch me have sex with another man..Not another woman. I know that men have fantasies about that all the time ( 2 women). Even though I can't say I have a fantasy about my husband doing the same with someone the same sex. I do realize that this is normal. To fantisize about that. But do men really think about watching their wife with another man? I know I don't want to watch him with another woman.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
Have you asked him how long he has thought about this? If it's an old fantasy, what has made him bring it out now? Or if it's new, what has triggered it? Has he asked if YOU have fantasies?
To answer your original question, I think this is Normal, as long as you keep it in the realm of fantasy. My own personal opinion is that I would rule out doing this in real life. I don't see how anything good can come of that-- a few minutes/hours of excitement, then what???
I liked what you said lillie. And then what.. A few minutes a few hours of excitement. My big if is and then what? I am trying to work on my marriage right now. I am on this rollercoaster that someone else has dragged me on and I did not want to ride. Does not really matter because I am on it now and I have to just figure out how to bear with it until it is over. Sucks!! I do know that I will do anything to save my marriage and avoid anything that will jeapordize it. He says this will help. It will help him feel more excited it will help him feel like we are still us... As much as I love sex... and I do... If we are not focusing on making our marriage work, that is not going to make the situation any better? I am analizing myself and my life again. Please keep the feedback coming. I am lost. Thank you for the responses so far.
Its not about getting what you want, its about wanting what you already have.
I have a question to ask. What kind of things does your sex life now and in the past entail?
Though I do not think this abnormal fantasy for your H. I do know that the reality of him watching his wife respond and enjoy another male while may turn him on in the moment may do more damage in the long run.
This does not seem like something you want to do. Willing to do for him maybe but later where does that leave you regaurding your feelings about yourself. I agree stay open minded figure out what you would feel comfortable with. Maybe watching you MB using sextoys watching porn together and things of this nature can be a compromise. Well if you don't already do these things. Even if you do some of these things there is a large variation of ways to change up how you do these things. Two books come to mind Joys of Masturbation and Sadie Allison's Tickle Your Fancy book Maybe what he really wants is to spice things up and is giving you the ultimate turn on fantasy for him. Maybe you should question him as to what other things he would find interesting go for the second best. If he has a vivid imagination I am sure he has more then one fantasy.
