Thanks for the reply on my thread. I wish I could have read the "long" version. I know how that goes. You type out a heart felt reply, and it magically disappears .
I don't have much more advice for you righ this moment. Like every one tells us - time and patience... It sucks, I know, but there is nothing else that helps.
It is great that you are learning about yourself, as am I. I know that I am already a better person inside. A lonely person, but a better one.
All you can do now is now that "things are being worked out in you, and others"..Try reading the Purpose Driven Life. It is a great book. Oh yeah, this is working for me - pray often. Thank God for all the people that He is bringing into your life right now to help you through this.
It's funny, I had a "patience" experience today... I went into the bank and the line was long. The person walking in behind me said "Don't worry, it seems long, but in 10 minutes it will be gone." After 10 minutes, he said to me "See your next." What I got out of it was this. Things don't always take as long as you think they will...
M: 35; Together 14 years - married 5.5 no children Bomb 22-JAN-2005; D a few months later First real relationship post D just ended ( 7 months ):(
Thanks for your reply. I will get a copy of that book ASAP. This w/e was very hard for me. Learning that OW2 is back in picture after I thought we were having more positive and (in my own STUPID mind) encouraging interactions set me back tremendously.
I'm starting to doubt myself. I know PATIENCE and all that, but how much humiliation should we stand for before we lose all respect for ourselves? How much s*** do we take before it's time to let go and give up? I know that no one can really answer that for me, It's up to me. Does anyone have any pearls of wisdom or even encouragement that "it will get better".
I am starting to believe that maybe it is too late for us cuz his heart and mind are triple deadbolted with no key in sight.
Hi Maria, Sorry for the w/e turning out as it did, but do try and separate the OW from the positives. Positive interactions are good! Ow is just a distraction.
You mentioned earlier that you have been seeing someone. Does your ex know and think that you have moved on? (even if it's not the case, actions speak louder than words)
I haven't read through all your previous threads yet, do you have a list of personal goals posted? and how are you doing on those? deja
I didn't review your whole sitch, but here's a few words of input regardless:
Be careful of mirroring XH's attempt at filling the hole in his self with an OP. It doesn't work - not longterm. He'll still be facing the selfwork that he's avoiding now - only months, years later.
Be very serious about your GAL efforts. IMHO, Post-D DBing requires true dropping of the rope, letting go, and getting on w/one's life. Literally, oozing confidence and happiness whenever the WAS is around. But this is possible only by working on improving EVERY facet of oneself everyday.
For physical changes, I visualize myself as reshaping my body/improving my fitness for s/t big, like the Olympics or a major run. Make it sustainable and longterm, not unrealistic, and it will be more likely to stick as a healthier lifestyle. My diet has become so much healthier now that I can choose for myself what to eat and how much to eat.
For psychological/emotional change, I'm challenging myself to grow with new experiences - saying yes to convos with women, trying things like new forms of massage, taking part in individual counseling - all to end up with a better me.
To address spirituality, reading a lot, praying in different, more personal ways to enrich my R with my God. After all, He's the only one who hasn't ever let me down. This definitely has added to my PMA. No matter how XW is behaving, that R is always solid.
What are some goals that you can set up for yourself for this Fall to help you grow in a notable, positive way this year?
Seroiusly, follow the advice posted. Only you chose when to stop. The OW will temporarily fill the void. You are working on you. That is great! Keep focused on yourself. Keep reading, praying, growing. In the end, no matter the outcome, you will be a better person.
M: 35; Together 14 years - married 5.5 no children Bomb 22-JAN-2005; D a few months later First real relationship post D just ended ( 7 months ):(
Yes X knows about OP. I stupidly (in a drunken state) tried to "throw it in his face" that someone "younger" found me attactive and wanted to "marry" me. I "screwed up" by thinking that that would maybe "knock to his senses" instead it only made him feel glad that I had found someone who could be what he thinks I wanted. All that he wants for me is to be happy. He believes that for 16 years he tried all he could to "make" me happy and he no longer believes that that is possible. The hard cold facts are that NO he could not make me happy, that had to come from ME.
I don't remember listing any personal goals, but I know that I must.
1. I am going to devote more of my time to concentrating on my kids. In a round about way, this whole sitch has IMPROVED my relationship with my kids. For THAT I am truly greatful to X for initiating this whole thing.
2. I lost weight when the BOMB was dropped, and have maintained that weight loss for a year now. The weight was lost by not being able to eat for several months at the beginning. I know, NOT the best way to do it, but just a natural reaction. Now I am starting to do something about all the flabiness that happened as a result of the rapid weight loss.
3. Getting my "house" (which is/was "our" house, a mobile home in a nice mobile home park that X found) to FEEL like HOME for me and my kids.
Gabriel
I now realize that my becoming "involved" with someone else VERY VERY prematurely may have sidetracked my DBing. The reality is that I NEVER should have become involved with ANYONE until I was sure I was truly ready. To my credit, I have told OP that I am not ready for ANYTHING SERIOUS and that I am NOT ready to LET GO of X yet. He says he understands, but I feel that he is EXPECTING me to come to my senses eventually and realize that HE is what is best for me cuz X is showing VERY little if no signs of encouragement for reconcilliation.
The kids and I spent the w/e with ILs and MIL and I had several VERY VERY enlightening conversations that made me realize that even though I have a long winding road ahead of me, that the sitch is not as HOPELESS as I believed.
She did not say anything specific, but gave me an insight that I did not have before. I don't think X talks to her as much about us as he did in the past, but I believe that he has said enough for me to believe that TIME and PATIENCE are what I need to be able to acheive my goal. WHAT IS MY GOAL? To have my Husband and children living with me under the same roof again.
I didn't exactly address all your points but I have alot of the same goals as you. More working on MYSELF and doing what I feel is right for ME. I have decided that I MUST do what is going to benefit my kids and me first and if it coorepondes(sp?) to a RENEWED R with X then that is just icing on the cake.
SLM
Can you send your locksmith this way? I can't tell you how much your input has been an invaluable asset to me. I don't think I relayed the sitch as clearly as I should have. X had EA with an internet person he met on an internet game. They were SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO in LOVE and she was supposed to come here to meet him (she supposedly lives in another country) that obliviously never happened. I know that the EA happened cuz things were not as they should have been in our M or it would not have happened in the first place. Just like EA in 1997 with coworker. OW1 and OW2 are people that he became involved with after we had been living apart for about 1 year. I'm not taking ALL the blame, but I now realize my FAULTS and CONTRIBUTIONS to this sitch.
My question now is "should I (for lack of a better word) persue" additional interactions that do not involve the kids, like asking him to have a few drinks with me "just as friends, no strings attached" or should I keep it "strictly business" and just stick to only "child related issues" as far as communication.
Thank You to EVERYONE who has replyed and reads my thread.
GOD Bless and Prayers to all!
Maria
____________________ We cannot solve the problems we face at the level of thinking that got us into them in the first place. Albert Einstien
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