Is the "Feel Safe" just her way of saying that she married you for the money? She seems to focus a lot on the money side. It seems to me that "Feel Safe" means financial security to her.
Quote: Heaven help me, I feel like throttling her for you.
I second that. Haven't gotten in a good cat fight since college and I think I could take her I think the women on this board are very protective of their "board men" and vice versa. There is a lot of transference/projection going on and we get agitated beyond words because we see ourselves in your position Hairdog, or anyone else's on this board. Sometimes you just want to dole out a good beating. There goes that id again.
Thank you all. You don't need to "protect" me, though. You all helped teach me how to protect myself.
CeMar: No, the "safety" she wants is not solely money-related, yet she points at some of the things I did in the past as adding to her financial insecurity. No, "safety" to her is, uh, let me think, hmmm, oh...whatever vague thing it is that she can point to at the moment that she is feeling. It can be that I told her a white lie. Or that I spent $5 on a car wash. Or that I missed a spot on the window. Or that I didn't tell her about something my ex did. Or that she's bothered about something my ex did, and why did I have to tell her about it? etc.
HD- BRAVO! for the way you handled everything! BRAVISSIMO in fact!
Your W reminds me of my late husband's first wife (except that she was a SAHW). Financial security was everything to her. She was also a One and could do no wrong.
Regarding this comment of your W's:
Quote: Yes, she really said that. She put it totally in a financial context.
When my late H left her, she never once asked him to stay. The closest she came was to send him a card that said she was thinking about how they used to sit on the patio on Sundays and read the paper and "the patio misses you." Yup. The PATIO misses you-- not I miss you.
For the record, she never forgave him for the D, never got over it, never spoke to him again-- and he lived 12 more years. At their son's wedding a couple of years after the D, she did not exchange one word with him or even make eye contact with him once during the entire weekend (it was out of town). She didn't come to his funeral. Your W sounds like that kind of Never Wrong Grudge Holder (cf her sitch with her dad).
But YOU, my man, are a ROCK. Congrats on decision to be totally transparent. Let the sh!t fly-- you won't be generating any of it, she will, but none of it will stick to you!
Thanks lil. I have also thought further about the whole PA thing. Would I really do that, or am I just kind of using it as an experiment, to see how far she'll go in putting up with it? If the latter, then I am not being truly transparent.
Oh, what was it that Nopkins used to say about affairs? Something about "sense of entitlement" and something else. Anyone remember? Beuller?
Hairdog, who is really thinking about sending that "dog story" to his W and telling her that he wants to discuss it tonight.
Just wanted to say that you are a better man than most. Most men would have waltzed straight out the door and to a bar and taken home the first bimbette that seemed willing. You really are a stand up guy. Be honest. Keep telling W the truth - even the things that sting. Maybe something will penetrate.
My W back not to long ago was saying the same type of thing that it was ok to go outside the marriage. When it really came down to it though was that she was just trying to hide behind those words because she knew that I would not go out and do those things. So it was some other weapon that she could use. I will tell you she is full of it. She absolutely cares wether you go and do that or not. I would call her on that. Let her know that you know its a BUNCH of BS. My W now tells me that she is so happy that I never did take her up on that because it would have devastated her.
Thanks, Chrissy, for remembering the words of Nopkins. And Lillie, I decided not to share the story with her today, but I'll let you know when/if I do.
No, today, I'm going to put a receipt in the "In" basket where she enters all the financial stuff. It will be a piece of paper simply marked, "Cash, lunch, $15" It is likely to start a firestorm for many reasons.
You spent HOW much for lunch? Yes, that is a lot of money for me to spend on lunch. It was a special occasion. I went out with N, who works with me, who I've known for 15 years, who is my friend, for her birthday. I didn't buy her lunch.
My W may be satisfied with chewing me out for spending money without consulting her. She may chew me out for spending $15 on lunch. But I suspect that she may be more mad at the fact that I was out at a nice restaurant with N.
N and I, as I said, have been friends for a long time. And that's all we've been. But my ex was very threatened by N because, well, N is attractive and has big boobs. I don't know how my W will react. I have to admit that, since my ex had such suspicions about N, I got in the habit of just never mentioning her to my ex. That "habit" spilled over into my current M.
In the spirit of my "New Transparency," I will tell my W about my lunch with N. And, if my W asks me, "have you told her about our marital problems?", I will answer truthfully, "yes."
N, to me, is no different than J, my best buddy (a male), who knows all about my marital problems, too. N is just as easy to talk to, and has the added insight of a female brain, which, as everyone knows, is at least 25 percent larger than a male brain.
Can men and women be "just friends?" I can say, unequivocally, yes.
N and I had a falling out several years ago, because her political ideology is very different from mine. We decided, however, after a couple years of polite distance, that our friendship was more important than that, and now, when we talk, we just kind of avoid that whole area.
N and I can talk about almost everything but politics. I can talk to my W about politics, and really would love to get to the point where I can discuss everything else with her. So, we'll see if we get any closer to that point by her reaction, if any, to my lunch.
