I am still lurking, thought I'd drop in to say "I love Bruce" (Surgeon general's caveat: not the way Kevin does, but you know what I mean). You guys on this forum just rock. I cant imagine a more pain-stricken but funny group with greater camaraderie and can-do spirit. Once I get some brain energy back I will start posting more. I love this bunch of lunatics....(UD reaches for a tissue and blows his nose loudly)...
BTW, I really liked Bruce's take on your situation. And your response to his sage advice was classic Wes (i.e. you are confused about your own confusion at being confused , ergo the aptness of Bruce's dog-chasing-its-own-tail-analogy. Not to worry Wes, that is exactly the way I feel right now).
I am a little struck by your XW's repeated problems with virtual romances though. If you get back together you will need to address that as a problem it seems like?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
It's so nice of you to lurk and drop by. I agree with your statements about this board. It's a blessing. Just having the camaraderie helps.
I'm having a couple problems today: One, I'm having a hard time dropping the rope. Maybe Bruce was right and I felt she was pining away and now I worry that this period of darkness gives her ample opportunity to work on this strange R she's got going on. I know, no need to tell me, I have absolutely no control over it and I really don't know enough to get all stressed out. Secondly, I'm tired of this recurring, as UD would say, "virtual romance" problem. I do have control over myself and that means I'm free to make the choice that I need someone grounded in reality. In fact, that's the main conflict I feel, wanting her and not wanting her at the same time.
So my plan for the week: Drop the rope: BE HAPPY, keep busy, enjoy my time with my kids, no calls, no snooping, go to VB on Thursday, work on my talk, take that serious look at myself and this R, use this period of angst for inspirational writing. If I do see her I will feed her LL by having a quality convo, but I absolutely refuse to seek even a small amount of physical stuff.
My long term goal is to get to the point where if she ever decides she wants a real R with me that I'm in a position to critically look at it and not just jump back in.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I'm trying to help Wesley in hopes I might help myself. We all grasp unrealistic expectations, then are disappointed when they are not met.
And from my perspective, while Wes' situation is certainly unique, his inability to step back from the picture and look beyond the frame instead of focusing on each individual colored dot, is a commmon malady for all of us.
So if we can nuture Wes through his trial by ex-wife, then perhaps the unspoken hope we all hold is not too unrealistic.
But it requires on your part Wes, perspective, soul-searching, time, goals (realistic), a life outside of your own head and the dreaded PATIENCE.
Yeah, hopefully we all learn something from each other. Maybe sometimes the things we learn aren't what we are prepared to accept, like being patient.
Quote: But it requires on your part Wes, perspective, soul-searching, time, goals (realistic), a life outside of your own head and the dreaded PATIENCE.
I'm already struggling with most of this, especially perspective, time, and patience. Despite admonishing myself to "drop the rope", I was inches away from calling to ask her to lunch. So you can see that I have a very long ways to go. I was sucked back in-hook, line, and sinker-by all the recent interaction with her. To put it in perspective, I have called maybe two or three times from work in the last 4 months and haven't asked her to lunch (just the two of us) since the first month or two after the bomb. Wow, how far I've fallen. Keep reminding me that I'm working on myself right now and I'm giving her time and space to work through her issues. It's so much easier to look at the bigger picture, rather than just the dots of color, when it's not your own situation you're looking at.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: It's so much easier to look at the bigger picture, rather than just the dots of color, when it's not your own situation you're looking at.
True, absolutely true. Then make it not your situation; treat as if you were offering insight to one of us.
And while it is a pain, before you start to call her, ask yourself, why? What is the objective? Yes, a hell of way to have to act or prepare to talk or not talk to your XW, but maybe that audible pause will give you time to listen to your instincts rather than reacting out of fear.
Don't worry about giving HER time and space, give yourself time and space.
I know the unknown is fraught with doubt and fear, but continuing to act as you have is not in your best interest, even if you do not believe it.
Did you have your k's potty trained in like a day or s/t?? They did it in their own time (unless you have superk's??) and you had to be patient. Same w/xw.
Now there may always be fantasies in her life, some of it can be normal (I have a serious crush on TB, but unfortunately, I need to be 10 or so years younger to pursue him!) It does sound like she carries it a bit further than she should and stepping back from her sitch is a good idea.
Kevin wrote: I think you are Bruce's favorite.
Don't worry, Kev, I'll be your fave! But if you don't look like Brady, I'll call you a pansy, and stab you w/a mechanical pencil! T
I hesitate to even post this morning. I'm an X addict; I admit it. Should I defend myself by saying in advance that my actions don't obviously produce a negative effect? Should I work up to a DB folly or just put it out there immediately for shock value? Okay, brief summary:
-I called; I have an addiction. I weighed Bruce's words...ask yourself the purpose and what you hope to gain by it. I said to myself...the purpose is I want to talk to her and I hope to gain an enjoyable conversation. We got around to two topics...her son coming over for the night and evaluating this lump again.
-She came by around dinner time; nothing she cared to eat. Afterwards I did a fine needle aspirate of this lump and because she was so nervous went up to work to stain and look at the slides. Anyway, it was reassuring, but I said she still needed to get in and be seen. She thanked me many times and hugged me. Afterwards we walked the dog together and discussed it and what she should do next.
-After walking the dog, her daughter brought up an issue of my X adopting a baby. She said she didn't intend to, so her daughter was saying.."then have a baby". My X said she had no one to have one with. Are you ready for this Bruce? Got the mechanical pencil handy? I whispered, "how about me?" and then I talked about it a bit. I could get into all the details, but it didn't go over badly. It amounted to an apology, an understanding of what she previously felt, acknowledgement that we are divorced and this is likely both too late and not currently feasible, and about the ultimate statement of pursuit. She didn't get angry at me, she didn't say "what the h@ll are you talking about" or "too late", and she didn't jump up and run away.
Here's my thoughts on this. After initially kicking myself, I decided that I had been sincere (if somehow we find our way back together) and that all I can do now is monitor for results.
-today I set up an appointment for her (I know the surgeon and wanted to explain myself to him) and let her know that someone would be calling for the best time/date. That's about the extent of interaction.
Okay...bring on your worst.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
If I do see her I will feed her LL by having a quality convo, but I absolutely refuse to seek even a small amount of physical stuff.