I disagree following your feelings is a terrible choice. Listening to them, acknowledging them, determing the cause and what to do to remedy the stressor causing them is a much better choice.
So all feelings are caused by stressors? And we should address them and then we no longer feel them? What of the feeling of love? Or were you only speaking of negative feelings?
The insistence on not wanting to need other people is either driven by fear or a desire for self sufficiency
I believe in my case it would be a desire for self sufficiency. If you read my post to IHJ on my thread we had just spoke of this today. But knowing that does not give me insight as to why I feel a need to be self sufficient nor how to change this. Any suggestions? How would you change this behavior?
your affection for and doting on new puppy is interesting
I find it interesting because it is a breed of dog I normally do not like. Why do you find it interesting?
So how to go about changing that. personnally I have been making an effort to ask people for things. Something little, from a friend or family member that I am perfectly capable of doing for myself
So since you are capable of doing it for yourself. Then you do not need them to do it for you. You are allowing them to do it. That is not quite the same as actually needing them to do it for you is it?
Right now I am trying to decide if reconciling with her after D and OM loses interest would be disrespectfull to myself or if not getting back together with her would be a narcisstic injury
Closing a door you are not sure you want closed. I can see where the dilemma would lie in that. It is very wise of you to think something that can become so final all the way through before deciding.
I love reading your post.(I think I am repeating myself with that statement). You have great insight mixed with humor and your self confidence is very stimulating and refreshing. So who cares if it comes off as egotistical!
I was only speaking of negative feelings. Although truth be told I desperately try to control my "feelings of love" infatuation when starting a new R. I know it is a powerful drug and dont want to get to out of control. Self protective, it appears I may be a love avoider.... no... I am not, I am cautious, but the I see how seeking to control myself could actually lessen the experience. for both of us.
Most people want to be self sufficient. If there was no fear in needing others, then you wouldnt detach as a protection mechanism. Your H is currently the sole provider, yes? You dont like it, are trying to change it, but it is something he does. How often do you show him that you appreciate that? If you dont, why? How good would it make him feel if you let him know that you really appreciate it? How could you show him with actions instead of words. Your not buying anything for yourself except bare bottom (heheh) neccessities says it is more then a want to be self sufficient. If you bought yourself a new shirt, or pair of earrings, whatever and thanked him for it.... would there be a catastrophe.
The people that have helped since my accident... I say yes to their offers, its hard for me, and thank them and refrain from offering some sort of repayment. My long term friends bust my chops for needing them. Its funny, but true. Could I get along by myself? yes, but being a friend means letting others be a friend to you too.
What is something else you actually do need your H for? There are others.
In your case you have already started, the changes by changing your perspective. I wonder if the scheduling sex isnt having a lot to do with that. It does make a bond and it does force both people to want to resolve the conflicts. You are choosing to see the good. If you are looking for the good, pointing it out with WOA, it will become a cycle. For insecure guys often times knowing and receiving admiration from their woman leads them to trying harder to get more of it. They gain confidance! If you are focused on the good you wont have time to nag on the bad, and raise his defenses.
The bible gives different advice to men and women, and our typical wedding vows have different aspects to them also. Men are supposed to cherish and protect. ( yes I screwed up) Women are supposed to respect and honor. When men beg and plead it messes things up. When women nag and whine it messes things up.
I worry about your sitch, because I am unclear on the physical abuse. Make sure that you keep up the really Strong boundary control.
capable of doing it for yourself. Then you do not need them to do it for you. You are allowing them to do it
I am perfectly capable of surviving by myself, without much of anything. I taught survival classes to young teens in AK for awhile. That is not the point. When I ask someone to do something, or allow them to I am admiting to myself that I need them and also risking them letting me down or rejecting my 'need'. Your allow comment is a semantical twist in your head to prevent the rejection, let down possibility.
You have a desire, need to show affection, give loving feelings to something/someone. You are giving it to a dog, a type that you dont particularly care for to begin with, instead of your H who wants it, but is needy, desperate for it. He is partly needy, desperate, and jealous because you are so completely NOT showing any need and or gratitude.
Much like Mrs. Bube, ( how do I pronounce that? boo-be? buhb? be-you-b? buh-be? its driving me nuts I see the word and have no sound to it in my head. I must know. ) and BB. Ive lumped you in with them now. LOL.
Quote: Much like Mrs. Bube, (how do I pronounce that? boo-be? buhb? be-you-b? buh-be? its driving me nuts I see the word and have no sound to it in my head. I must know. )
Most people want to be self sufficient How can people want to be self sufficient yet act needy and clingy? I do not understand that dynamic at all. It may just be me and what I percieve as needy and clingy and my idealism of what self sufficient means that makes me not understand this but you may be able to help me clear this up.
Your H is currently the sole provider, yes? I usually find a way to provide at least 500.00 to 800.00 of income a month. But yes he is the sole provider as in the only one that has been working regularly for the last year and a half. Though I did collect a good amount of unemployment for about 6 months.
How often do you show him that you appreciate that?
Seldom to never. I guess I take it for granted because the shoe has been on the other foot more then once. And this is the first time I have not worked in our relationship. Well I am working at the moment but you know what I mean.
Your not buying anything for yourself except bare bottom (heheh) neccessities says it is more then a want to be self sufficient
Okay meaning?
If you bought yourself a new shirt, or pair of earrings, whatever and thanked him for it.... would there be a catastrophe.
No I would just feel guilty and he would act as if I owed him something.
What is something else you actually do need your H for? There are others.
To me needing someone to do something for you means you are not capable to do it for your self. So though there are things he does for me I can think of none that if I had to I could not do for myself. Maybe I am reading to much into what the word need is defined as.
I wonder if the scheduling sex isnt having a lot to do with that. It does make a bond and it does force both people to want to resolve the conflicts
I may be missing something in this statement. The scheduled sex has been on going for over a year. And to me it is just sex which is fine for me. I do understand to H it is more. But I achieve no EC from the act.
For insecure guys often times knowing and receiving admiration from their woman leads them to trying harder to get more of it
Okay this is not encouraging I was hoping for just the oppisite that if I started giving it he would need less of it. Dam you BF for showing me the error in my thinking
Women are supposed to respect and honor. I screwed up to!
You have a desire, need to show affection, give loving feelings to something/someone. You are giving it to a dog, a type that you dont particularly care for to begin with,
Well I am very loving with my kids. And I have been very fearful of them growing older and been thinking about having another one. So I was thinking the puppy was filling that want a baby urge I had for the moment. But I will give this some thought.
He is partly needy, desperate, and jealous because you are so completely NOT showing any need and or gratitude.
But he has always been like this. Even in the begining. And I was more affectionate before things got so bad. Maybe not gushy lovey dovey but not as reserved. It is not that I do not show him affection at all. It is more like it is never enough and that dicourages me to continue trying.
Ive lumped you in with them now. LOL. Oh goodie I only have to have sex once every few months now! My H will love you for that one
damnit our communication is all screwed up here. or are you messing with me too?
The picture you are painting of your H is very extreme.
No I would just feel guilty and he would act as if I owed him something.
Why would you feel guilty? The shoe has been on the other foot, AND its the 'norm' ( yikes ducking) for a guy to the the bread winner. Also what would you owe him? Sex? you already 'owe' him that and are giving it to him, from the way you make it sound. That is your perception, he is going to want it anyways Just sex? I dont believe in that. I find everyone I have talked to about this remembers every single person they have had sex with no matter how many or how long ago. I dont remember every person I have played tennis with or taught in my classes or had longer more meaningful encounters then just sex with. There is something to it. . I take it for granted Stop it. enough said.
For insecure guys often times knowing and receiving admiration from their woman leads them to trying harder to get more of it
crap poorly typed, what I meant was trying harder in their endeavors, the confidance they get from their woman believing in them encourages to get out and do more, achieve greater things Much like your previous example of encouraging him to go camping.
You can whine and nag about the christmas tree or say " hey big strong stud muffin can you put the tree in the attic? I love watching you do stuff like that." something like that.
I percieve as needy and clingy and my idealism of what self sufficient
I would not be attracted to a woman who had no "need" for me. There has to be something I do that she wants or there is no security in the R or feeling of being wanted.
lets try another way, I am attracted to womens hairstyles, clothing, makeup etc. Should I do these to attract women? (maybe if I want to go goth LOL) Not generally. I get that feeling sometimes that you are over compensating for you H's neediness and its making it worse. You are acting how you want him to act. You guys have a dynamic.
Does your R have potential? Are you safe? I dont know so I am going to assume yes.
very fearful of them growing older and been thinking about having another one. So I was thinking the puppy was filling that want a baby urge Normal. OK.
he has always been like this. Even in the begining
why where you initially attracted to him? Why did you get married.
not encouraging I was hoping for just the oppisite that if I started giving it he would need less of it
Oh, you know what, I thought that name on the signature line of one of your messages was your actual name. Some people sign their real name. Sorry, my bad.
Blackie, Why would you be disrespecting yourself by simply leaving the door open to a future reconciliation when/if she gets her crap together? That one made no sense to me.
Are you saying that she is not allowed to make mistakes and learn from them? Granted, her 'mistake' is one of the most harmful and destructive things I can think of and I personally want to smack her for going back the second time...and yet, if I look at it logically, I can see why she does what she does.
Haven't you ever fcuked up royally? Were you particularly eager to get back to the people/situation that you had wronged and wipe the slate clean? Prolly not. Now multiply that by a million and you will have an idea of her thinking right now. Clearly, she still loves you. If she didn't, she'd be celebrating her upcoming freedom with OM. She's not doing that. She wants you back but cannot picture how she will get there. She doesn't know which steps to take--how do you right a wrong that is this destructive? So she starts out by writing letters and seeing if she can still 'get your goat'. If she can, she will know that there are feelings there for her and that she should proceed.
The only way you would disrespect yourself, imo, is by not drawing any boundaries and taking any and all crap she dishes out. You are not doing that. You have said unequivocally that until she rids herself of the parasite, she has no place in your life. She knows what she has to do. But it's no easy task, so don't dog her for not doing it quicker! She's gotta grovel and deal with your anger at her, as well as similar feelings of rage and disappointment from OM. She's totally in the toilet right now, and trying to fight her way out. But.......all the same, she made her bed and all that rot.
Now, back to you. I don't find it disrespecting yourself to keep the door open for reconciliation. In fact, I find that the harder road to travel. Do you know how easy it is to divorce? To say, screw it, I've had it? Who do you know personally has the balls to say "I'm going to make this work, no matter how hard it gets"?
Lastly, you keep slyly mentioning the "control" aspect of your personality. As a woman, I'm telling you firsthand that this is a MAJOR portion of why your ex went elsewhere. There is nothing worse than knowing that you are giving your all (or expected to give your all) and your mate holds himself back. IT SUCKS. She knew you were doing this probably from the first few dates. I'm telling you, women's intuition is amazing. She most likely thought to herself, I can get him to open up! Well, years later, when there were still things you were holding back, she was saying to herself that she was wrong and she just doesn't "have it" when it concerns you. The logic goes something like this: He's holding back. I'll get him to open up. (fast forward 5 yrs) He's still holding back from me. Doesn't he feel safe with me--I love him more than anyone! (internal gasp) What if he doesn't feel the same? He must not feel the same if he's unwilling to get close to me.
and on it goes.
So......how did you respond to the letters? I think you should acknowledge them but stand with your boundary firmly in place. NOP could probably give you some excellent advice on what exact verbiage to say but you might want to look up csw's threads and see how he handled it as well. Something that leaves the door open but lets her know without hesitation that you won't be participating in an R with her and someone else. You're a smart guy, you can figure out how to do this without anger and sarcasm. Those are defense mechanisms that give you the false impression that your control is still firmly in place. The moment you reach out to her, your control slips a little. Honestly, who gives a hoot. That's life!
Sorry about the ADD hijack. Oh and what a weird coincidence, I started reading about the ADD diet last night. Thanks for the heads up. I don't know that she has anything at this point, she's only 3 for cripes sakes, but her behavior is...off...the majority of the time. There is a 'wall' around her that is very hard to penetrate. When I'm telling her something, she literally doesn't hear me or can't retain what I've just said. It's intensely frustrating for me, but I don't want my own frustration to turn into low self esteem for her, kwim?
(heheh) neccessities says it is more then a want to be self sufficient. If you bought yourself a new shirt, or pair of earrings, whatever and thanked him for it.... would there be a catastrophe. 
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