I post on the infidelity forum, but have been lurking on your and Rottzilla's thread, desperately trying to learn from your candour and strength.
This feels intrusive, but I just had a huge R talk with my WAH tonight and was wondering if you could at some point read it and give me feedback on the WAS' perspective on a talk like this. I completely understand if you don't have time, or have little emotional energy left for a stranger.
Thanks... and don't give it a second thought if you can't, or don't have any unique insight (being a completely separate human being from my H and not gifted with mind-reading abilities).
Hi Anna, Wow, long post! Sorry. I read your post Friday night and waited until today to reply. I may not be able to give you my exact perspective because my perspective has changed drastically due to talking with Zilla and books we've been reading together, but I will do my best. You're giving him what he thinks he wants and that's good for you. He may not see it now because all he can think about right now is OW, but he will see it later. I guess it's good that you let him go on good terms because it lets him know that you still love him. I'm certainly no councilor, but maybe you should cut off all contact with him so he can feel what it would be like if you were to get a divorce. You know, take away his cake. Zilla and I read this in the last book we read: "How to survive after an affair". What do you think?
Yeah, I'm sure it's VERY hard. Zilla will be away from her computer for most of the day today, but maybe she could give you some insight on how she did it.
again thanks for giving your perspective could be a good thing that you're not fully able to remember all the confusing things which you felt & thought - means that you're now in a better state of mind & not so able to relate to those alien times - glad to have you back on earth
Quote: You're giving him what he thinks he wants and that's good for you. He may not see it now because all he can think about right now is OW, but he will see it later. It's reassuring that things are noted even if the aliens aren't actting like they care or notice the changes
I guess it's good that you let him go on good terms because it lets him know that you still love him. this is where the DBing comes in handy we should be happy & loving from a distance regardless of the WAS showing that the WAS notices the positve changes or reacts hatefully to us is what you seem to be saying correct?
I'm certainly no councilor, but maybe you should cut off all contact with him so he can feel what it would be like if you were to get a divorce. i'm finding the book when the one you love wants to leave to by don harvey to be helpful in the leting go - going dark process
althou due to my sitch being both physically & finacially dependant upon byron i'm more of a shade of dark grey than absolutely dark
but the book is great for explaining the whys as well as the what to do's which at times i've found myself wondering
& it's very reassuring to see that yes this is the way to go - & Zuki your words here help as well considering you've just come out of the tunnel
You know, take away his cake. Zilla and I read this in the last book we read: "How to survive after an affair". who's the author of this book? think i may invest in it at a later time when i've got some extra money & have the ability to add to my library
What was your cake, Zuki? and how did Zilla take it away? I suppose there comes a time when finances become unimportant compared to mental health and the anguish of dealing with a spouse who doesn't want you anymore. But short of selling assets or filing bankruptcy, it takes both of us to keep the finances floating, and that's just barely. So when you can barely afford to buy the cake, how do you take it away?
Also, I guess I am not very gracious. I am trying to be loving and considerate and give him the time he needs to come back to our marriage, but if the day comes that H really does pack and move out and doesn't come back, I am done being the passive person who says 'whatever makes you happy'. It's all over then, I don't have to make him happy anymore, he picked someone else to do that. In fact, after two years of what I have been dealing with there are already many days that I am having a harder and harder time giving him time and space. I want some resolution, something from H to indicate a definite try instead of me just trying to pick out pieces of what might be signs. Sometimes I think he can sense how close I am to being done with the wait. Any thoughts? Did you have any ideas of what Zilla was thinking before you knew she knew?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
WCW - not sure if Zuki will get here today, but I will paraphrase a conversation we had last night about what his "cake" was. He says it was being involved in my life. So, while I was complaing and bitching about his cheating on me, whining and crying pushed him away. It made me less attractive. Then, when I went out and got a life without him, he suddenly felt left out and hurt.
It's that old analogy I used to like to post. If your spouse is in the doorway and you are there in the room doing something, they will watch you but not come in. However, as soon as you move out of their sight, they have to step in through the doorway to find out where you are and what you are doing without them.
Thanks for the reply, Zilla. I understand what you're saying, what I don't know is to take the cake away. H and I have so much going on together with our activities/events/ranch/meetings that I don't know how to squeeze in anything more to do that doesn't include him. I don't whine and cry about OW anymore, but do have an occassional blow up(last one in July, before that was last December when I told H if he wanted two women in his life I would not be one of them, he left for 12 hours. It was all very calm, but it seems like an idle threat). What does amaze me is that while I am busy and don't have time to sqeeze more into my life, H has time for another woman in his life. Is that priorities? I have told him that if he moves out that I do not want him driving in and out as he pleases to help with chores, ride/train horses, etc. If he leaves he should stay gone. So he's stayed put, sleeps on the couch. And if he does leave I can't handle the financial load on my own. I've thought about leaving and have looked, but so far have been unable to find a place that will even allow my dog say nothing about horses. I don't think H can afford our place without my income either. So, I feel stuck, I don't know how to take his cake away. All I can come up with is to make his cake more tempting and appetizing that he wants to come in the door and get it. But so far it hasn't worked, even though I've been trying to keep the cake fresh. This cake has been in the pan a long time already. How do I get him to bite?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
