Quote: While I was lying about the whole thing, (and an "alien") I felt as long as I didn't confirm it, I wouldn't hurt her. Thank you for your answer
Byron still deny's his affair with robin the poison pu$$y his mouth dropped valentines day when i told him i wasn't going to argue the matter when she had in fact confirmed it to me on the phone then he tried to say she was only joking
it at least explains why he would still try to keep up the lie to me he trys to keep up the lie to his mom & step dad & co-workers 'cause byron doesn't want to look like the bad guy althou byron's failing to realise the only one who beleives his lie is his mom & thats due to her wanting to
Quote: I felt as long as I didn't confirm it, I wouldn't hurt her.
No - you felt as long as you didn't confirm it, you wouldn't have to DEAL with her pain (and the possible consequences of your actions). This is really common - the WAS convinces themselves that they are "protecting" the LBS, but really, it is only about protecting yourself.
Missing, I sometimes wonder if we taped their words and played them back during a rare moment of lucidity, what would they think of themselves? Sorry for your troubles and pain.
KML - I know you are right on the money. Part of me wants to protect H because I still love him, but the rest of me wants to just say "right on." He knew, on some level at least, that I knew. He just didn't want to "deal" with it. It was like if he denied it, he could keep going on with his little charade. (Sorry Zuki, it's true.)
Hi Zuki - I want to thank you again for coming here and posting your perspective. Would you say you are now dbing? Do you find the techniques helpful in dealing with Zilla's current funk?
I often wonder how NG will tackle things if the tables were turned on him. He sticks so close to me its not funny. Yesterday he went out of his way to drop and pick me up from a client meeting, I'm enjoying the attention, but sometimes wonder what the agenda is But back to your perspective
Quote: Because even before the EA became the EA and was still a friendship, I kept that friendship secret. Which was what allowed it to become the EA in the first place.
At what point did you know it was 'wrong' and how did you justify to yourself that you could continue with it? Just wondering here what the typical profile of an alien possession is.
It's funny because I have been able to reach my H on some levels with OW sitch and then not at all on others. One time I sat down with H after running into the two of them on the street. I told H that my anger towards OW was misdirected. I felt so incredibly hurt by his actions that instead of letting H know I took it out on her. I looked him in the eye and asked "Do you understand just how much this is hurting me?" At that point I saw the mask fall for about a second and I could see that my H did in fact know how much it was hurting me.
So this is where it gets complicated. I know that he knows but in a lot of ways it is a big ol' power struggle between the two of us. He wants the ability to make his own choices and I want him to be accountable for his actions. Doesn't help that the friendship happens to be with a really immature, inappropriate individual who perpetuates the situation.
So looking at the problem from a larger perspective, which battles do I choose to fight now? There have been many, many positives in my sitch. I'm looking to rebuild the whole d**n house, not just change the drapes! So, I'm trying to keep the whole pic in perspective.
Two days ago over dinner, H was in a foul mood. He mentions that he is not feeling mentally "right". This sets off huge warning bells for me because H dropped bomb exactly a year ago this month using the exact same words about his depression, which led to further OW issues and then our separation.
This time he reassured me that it was not like last time and that it had to do with him needing to leave his job and what that would require of him. I thanked him for letting me know that it was different and said to him that it was never about him being depressed but rather how he choose to handle it the last time. I said that I was afraid of being shut out again, treated badly and that methods that he used for escape (drinking and hanging out with certain people) hurt me considerably.
The point was made with concern and in a non-confrontational manner. This seems to work much better with my H. I just need to back it up with more consistent DBing.
Quote: I felt as long as I didn't confirm it, I wouldn't hurt her.
No - you felt as long as you didn't confirm it, you wouldn't have to DEAL with her pain (and the possible consequences of your actions). This is really common - the WAS convinces themselves that they are "protecting" the LBS, but really, it is only about protecting yourself.
Would you say you are now dbing? Do you find the techniques helpful in dealing with Zilla's current funk?
I just asked Zilla for the book. Lately, I've just been giving her space when she needs it and being there when she needs ME.
Quote: At what point did you know it was 'wrong' and how did you justify to yourself that you could continue with it? Just wondering here what the typical profile of an alien possession is.
Slowly
I justified it because when it was going on, I really thought I was in love so it didn't feel wrong. I "knew" it was wrong, but it didn't feel that way at the time.
Quote: I justified it because when it was going on, I really thought I was in love so it didn't feel wrong. I "knew" it was wrong, but it didn't feel that way at the time.
They speak of MLCers feeling "Entitled" did you find this to be the case?
Aslo did you sometimes pick fights just to make a "reason" for you to have bad feelings about Zilla to help "justify" what you were doing?
I notice that byron seems to pick fights either beore he's about to do something or after he's done something which he shouldn't be doing
Like this past weekend byron spent money on the moocher gang's beer tab & robin the poison pu$$y instead of paying on the bills or moving the heavy stuff at the apartment like he was suppose to & today when i spoke to him he was really nasty & trying to claim that he wasn't partying all weekend long but got even madder when i pointed out the numbers he gave me didn't add up to being "broke" now
They speak of MLCers feeling "Entitled" did you find this to be the case?
Aslo did you sometimes pick fights just to make a "reason" for you to have bad feelings about Zilla to help "justify" what you were doing?
No, I didn't feel "entitled" or pick fights with Zilla. I think I "justified" it by how I thought I felt about the OW and Zilla at the time. Are you using the DB techniques? Just curious.
yes I've been using DB techniques bomb drop in oct 2002 i did all the usual & found DB in late nov i think
thru DBing I think is the reason why byron's still not yet filed I've been here almost 3 yrs now
figure that byron's on the 5-7 yr plan for MLC since his mom mary who he lives with allows for his behavior & enables byron to stay in alien mode
byron has some childhood issues & low self esteem which he won;t deal with in jan he turns 40 & he's in denial about his disease sarcoidosis & the diabetes which has resulted from his drinking
so he will be in MLC until he comes to face what ever it is that's keeping him in the tunnel from his childhood in the meantime i try to give him the space he needs but make sure that when it comes to the bills i will not allow him to tell the lies which his mom will listen to i simply calmly state the facts & that he's got to figure out how to deal with it
180's for me both in being calm & quiet about the bills or things which need to be done & for allowing him to have to figure out how to get us out of the mess he's made in the past I always had to get us out of the finacial messes since the car accident in sept 97 i've been unable to work a regular job so that prevents me from being a steady spare source of income during the "harder" times in the past this has prevented some of the worst from happening finacially
Quote:
They speak of MLCers feeling "Entitled" did you find this to be the case?
Aslo did you sometimes pick fights just to make a "reason" for you to have bad feelings about Zilla to help "justify" what you were doing?
No, I didn't feel "entitled" or pick fights with Zilla. I think I "justified" it by how I thought I felt about the OW and Zilla at the time. Are you using the DB techniques? Just curious.
But back to your perspective