Puzzle pieces

[cinemanymph]

Some pieces of my puzzle have fallen into place.

When children are neglected, rejected, abused, or abandoned they are literally in a life or death situation. Children instinctively know that if their basic needs are not met, that they could perish. Emotionally that is too much for them to handle, so they disconnect so they can continue to function. Children in situations where one or both parents are unwilling/unable to provide basic needs are required to function at a higher level to survive. They often go into survival mode, ignoring feelings to get fed, clothed and sheltered.

Children in these situations know that expressing their feelings can put them in mortal danger. Expressing emotions is considered bad behavior and is often punished. Punishment in dysfunctional systems can range from verbal abuse to fatal beatings. Hence another reason for disconnect.

In the same fashion that people will picture themselves lieing on a white sand beach soaking up the sun to ease stress, children who endure abuse of a sexual or physical nature will mentally leave their bodies, only to a greater degree. This is a physical disconnect.

If there is no one who is willing to help repair these connections during childhood, the person matures to adult status without ever resolving them. They don't diminish over time and in fact can become bigger and scarier to deal with.

Some people see their sexuality glittering on the other side of these barriers, as I have recently experienced. For some people the disconnections are too big, too ingrained to see sexuality, as I have experienced in the past.

The barriers for me were fear of dieing and the fear of being punished. It was only when I faced those fears that I could begin to grow sexually. My sexual growth was stunted at an early age, so I had to start with basics and work from there. It has been a journey that is ultimately rewarding, but difficult and by no means is over.