More reading - which one are you?

[Webermiester]

Um....I answered "That's me!" the most to the Distancer statements and yes to just a few of the Pursuer statements. And I'm definitely the HD person in the R. Still have to figure out where she would be in this.

Maybe I'll have to read the book to really understand.

WM.

[Bube]

WM,

Me too. Heavy on the Distancer with a bit of Pursuer thrown in. They seem diametrically opposed, but who said I made sense?

Anyway, W is without a doubt, a Blamer.

ZB

[cinemanymph]

I tend to have persuing emotions, distancing actions tweaked with a bit of blaming.

[grislen]

Holy COW im a Blamer and I don't like that. I don't think im a blamer to the extent of Mrs. HD but dang it I still don't like it.

Lee

[CeMar]

MrsNOP:

Guns a blazing, that is definitely NOT me. If anything I need a little more of that kind of stuff. I am a conflict avoider. We hardly ever aurgue. That is part of the problem, we need to get tings in the open more. I am a pursuer though, I thikn a lot of us HD's are. In our relationship, at least physically, it is all from me to her, she does not persue me at all in a physical sense.

[Underdog]

Cemar,

This book is not about the type of pursuit you are imagining. It's about how we work out conflict.

If you tend to be a conflict avoider, I'm going to venture a guess and say you might be a distancer. You really NEED to read it to understand the concepts and how they apply.

In my earlier days, I was a distancer. I grew up in a really verbal and emotional family. Sometimes we were combative. I learned that I got hurt by engaging that way, so I chose to distance myself rather than pursue it.

It has NOTHING to do with sexual needs or desires. And I agree with MrsNop that it's not wise to label HD's as pursuers--from the context of this book.

Mr. W. and I were evenly matched sexually, but we had very different styles of managing conflict. That's what this book is about.

Betsey

[honeypot]

I am a PurBlamer and he is DistaPurser.



Seriously, we began this R as a blamer (picture me as a female Yosemite Sam with my hands on my guns), and him a distancer. While we still have many of those characteristics, we both now jointly move in and out of the Pursuer stuff, too.

[karen1]

BTW - the book (the Dance of Anger) itself is a great one. There is much to be learned from how we handle anger and conflict. In my R - our habitual methods of handling conflict happen to match our physical styles but that isn't always the case.

For those of us that are emotional pursuers and are married to distancers it is easy to understand how we get at such odds. For my H, the more I pursue him emotionally, the less he is able to emote. I KNOW that but yet the pursuer in me has trouble letting things lie for long.

I think it might be time to grow up though. Yesterday I had my latest R book open on the kitchen counter and H stopped by and had a look at the page which happened to be about controlling sexual impulses. The look on his face was "Oh no. What have I done this time" or "Oh no. She's not happy again." I felt embarrassed that once again I wasn't "happy" or "satisfied". I'm thinkin that it is probably time to do less reading and more talking or even more journaling (haven't written in that thing for a LONG time). H actually appears to be in a receptive mode lately and I will waste that if he feels as if I'm just complaining because I read something in some book somewhere.

I've also come to conclusion that H doesn't see himself as lacking in desire. He sees himself as overwhelmed which "can't be helped." I don't care about the label but it does affect how he views my reading that kind of literature - stuff about "rekindling desire" and so forth. He thinks that we both feel passionately for each other so therefore there is nothing to rekindle. The difference is that he has the luxury of "knowing" that I feel that for him whereas I don't "know" that he feels that for me.

This has been both on and off topic. Anyone who has any thoughts can share them here or on my other thread.

Karen

[mqo]

Karen: "time to grow up"

Well, I wouldn't say 'gro up', but I am now determined on making a change. Being a pursuer got me nowhere. I am conciously seeking the path of the distancer. Freely taken from the list, this means:

* I will seek emotional distance and physical space
* I'm going to do what I want, and deal with my own emotions (or not) my way.
* I will not show my needs, emotions.
* I will not be emotionally available.

Driven by resent perhaps, but I think it's the only language she understands. Communication didn't get me anywhere, witholding physical attention and affection worked for a short moment, so pulling out emotionally on all levels is the only tool left at my disposal. Yes, I am at breaking point.

[Bube]

I've also come to conclusion that H doesn't see himself as lacking in desire. He sees himself as overwhelmed which "can't be helped."

That describes W as well. But what they don't seem to understand, is that while their point may be valid, it just doesn't hold up after years upon years of being overwhelmed. I could buy it for a couple of days, for a week, maybe even a month. But when it stretches into years, I have to belive that there's something else going on.

ZB