About a month ago I posted my sitch re: my LDH and our R. We had a very open talk and it seemed as if things were going to turn around, but they haven't. Things have stayed the same and I feel that I just don't care anymore. I told H this weekend that I didn't care if he ever slept in our bed again (which was a big bone of contention, he falls asleep on the couch and it really bothers me not to have my H sleep in the same bed) or if we ever had sex again. He didn't like that and seemed hurt but I feel emotionless about our R. I don't want to get a divorce, I want us to be happy together, I just don't think it's ever going to change.
Nicki
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
I'm sorry I'm not sure I caught your previous post. Would you mind either posting a link to it for us, or reposting a summary of what you had said?
Also, I notice you said you and "an" open talk...how many times have you had this talk? Once? Twice? Hundreds of times? Did you tell him how you feel? How you're affected by your situation? What?
I can't find my post about our last conversation but here is the history:
My husband I started dating when I was 18, he was 23. We were married after two years of dating. Most of our courting was spent sexually frustrated. We just couldn't get our groove. Once we were married, things got into a groove and me ML about once a week. Not enough for me, but I could settle for one good connection a week. That was our norm.
I have always had to initiate sex. My husband has never been sexually aggresive. There have been many times that I have thought that he might be gay, having an affair, depressed, etc... He has secretivly watched adult movies and hides adult magazines, which leads me to believe he's at least not gay!
Early in our marriage I had an "emotional affair" and my husband found out. We went through counceling and I told him that I wasn't getting enough attention from him. Now let me say this, I am not a needy person, but a woman needs to hear every now and then that her spouse finds her attractive and desirable. I am guilty of seeking attention from other men to fill that void. After 8 years of marriage I still feel that way.
The past year and I half has been a rocky one. I became pregnant and had a rough prenancy. I was on bed rest for two months which put out the last flickering flame that was left in our sex life. In the year that our baby was born we have ML only 5 or 6 times.
I work a full time job and do 90% of the child care when we are home and still have a HD sex drive. He falls asleep on the couch right after dinner. Since having a child the feeling of lonliness has escaladed. Last week I was brave enough to look at the relationship section of the book store and found the SSM. H saw me reading it and was open to discussion. He admits there is a problem in the relationship. He read the first couple chapters of the book (till the part that described him anyway!) and then stopped. He says he never has the desire to have sex but once he's get's going he enjoys it. That is fine and dandy but he has to agree to do it!
Our latest conversation (the same one that happens every 6 months) was open...I told him that I didn't want to go the rest of my life only having a room mate and that some thing had to change. He agreed to try on his end and for the life of me I couldn't get him to talk about what he was lacking in our relationship. I find it very hard to believe that he is satisfied and content with the way things are.
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
Your H is not satisfied, and don't let him tell you he is. Your situation sounds so similar to mine in many ways. Currently dealing with an EA on my end as well. I really don't have any words of wisdom just wanted to say you are not alone and this is a great board to get support and sometimes a swift kick in the you know what!
Ok...that refreshes my memory. Your H sounds very familiar...I think I married his brother.
There is more going on here than sex. There are other issues, if he's anything like my LDH anyway....there are definitely other issues.
Has he ever had much of a sex drive? Has he had a physical to check his levels? I notice you say you have always had to initiate (me too)...it's simply possible he's someone who has the arousal=desire way of operating. But being someone who has had to do that all the time, I know how tiring that is...you'd give just about anything for him to just drag you off to the bedroom just once wouldn't you?
Hon, you aren't alone. And, what you are experiencing isn't as "wierd" as it may feel to you. In my last 2-years of trying to work on this with my LDH (and no that's not all that long in comparison to some people here) I have found many of my friends are dealing with a simliar situation. So it's not all that uncommon, it's just not talked about.
Anyway...answer some of the questions above, that will give us some direction.
Also, if you need someone to talk to about this offline feel free.....people on here find the conversations quite beneficial....but sometimes you just want to vent, but not to everyone LOL....I'm at anitam at nordam . com feel free.
Quote: Has he ever had much of a sex drive? Has he had a physical to check his levels?
He had a slightly greater drive in the beginning, meaning he would say yes more often, but never initiated. He has never had his levels checked. I don't know if he would go get it checked. I have always assumed that he wouldn't so I never asked...guess I should just ask, huh?
Quote: you'd give just about anything for him to just drag you off to the bedroom just once wouldn't you?
hell yes!
thanks for the support. I feel like such a failure giving up.
LFL - I know he's not happy...I know he's got to be holding something back. How do I crack the code?
Thanks, Nicki
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
It's not up to you to "crack the code" it's up to him. It's up to you to communicate your needs to him clearly, it's up to you to tell him how YOU feel....it's up to you to listen to him if he chooses to talk to you.
"LFL - I know he's not happy...I know he's got to be holding something back. How do I crack the code?"
Well, you can't MAKE him open up but looking back I would have really pressed my H on the resentment issues, particularly me not working once the kids were born.
I think he always resented being the main financial support but would never admit it. That's the problem. They still may not "fess up" because of guilt or whatever. He thought the kids needed Mommy at home but it conflicted with him wanting me to put my master's degree to work. Took it out on us in the bedroom (and not in a good way, lol!)
As I have been reading other posts this morning I can't help but wonder if all this "trying" is just a way to feel validated if we do eventually end our marriage. At least we can say we "tried" to fix things and it just didn't work out. I guess I am feeling a little hopeless today, wondering if things will ever change.
My brother in law is getting married tomorrow. H and I are both in wedding. Should be a fun day, but can't help but feel a little sad. My BIL and future SIL seem so happy and "in love". I hope that it isn't a cruel reminder of how un-in love H and I are. I fantasize about H and i just having a good time, getting drunk and going to F like rabbits, but we know that'll never happen!!!
Nicki
"There are two types of people -- those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am,' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'"
Frederick Collins
