Brief review:
Me: 38
W: 34
6yo Son
Separated since 10/28/04.
Signed D Papers 3/24/05
D finalized 5/2/05.
The sitch was somewhat friendly through May, with XW somewhat depressed and lonely. In June, a true MLC mode kicked off, with XW engaging in really 'new' behavior, including spending great amts of $ on cosmetic improvements, considering bisexuality (personal ads for both sexes), lots of partying with 20s/t yos, and getting into at least a few dating Rs with men. Meanwhile, she was successfully pushing the 'husband' button on me to get me to give her $, pay for a maid, etc...
In July, I snooped, lost my sense of detachment, she placed a restraining order against me (bad), but I learned enough about her behavior to successfully drop the rope. My detachment is regained, with loads of GAL work, prayer, and refocus on myself and S6.
What now? One main goal of mere friendship with W.
Thanks for the early morning chuckle, T and Kevin.
I needed it, after backsliding with my XW this morn. First, I called XW to note that S6 had a stye that I began to home treat yesterday. She called back 30 min later to say that she had to keep him home, and why didn't I take him to the MD yesterday. I noted that she hasn't given me a copy of her insurance card, that I have 2 MDs seeking payment for services she sought over the summer that she said she had coverage for and did not, and that I started addressing his eye with home treatment. (First error - defending myself). She began to rip me angrily for not being responsible, for not thinking about her... and I responded "Are you calling to b!tch at me or to communicate s/t to me?" (Second error - insult back). She went into a flurry here, and I did a feeble job validating her feelings, but it seemed too late, like her anger had started to swing to the out-of-control mode already.
Lots of "you always, you never" and I just told her "I'm tired of your victim stuff. You're not a victim, you're a mother who has a child who will get sick once in a while, and you'll need to be there for him on Tue and Thur. Just as I will on Mon and Wed. This is our schedule." I won't bore you with the rest, just that it ended with me hanging up on her, as she shouted "Stop insulting me!" over and over. It seems like our communication problems continue, with her hearing insults, and me hearing a "victim against Gabe" mode about her. There were no major insults or swings, ample cussing on her part, her pot shot at me regarding my not being able to afford alimony (what??) so that she could stay home with him, my return at her insinuating that she could take a break from her play to be with our sick son.
Back to disrespect on both sides. I could have avoided a lot of this by taking the high road.
Augghhhhhh! I need to go dark (or at least gray for a bit).
You definitely need a whole lot of grey. I'm sorry, but your situation sounds more like the one I have with my first X. Outbursts of angriness and bitterness. Either learn to quit defending yourself or find another way to have those discussions. Take a moment to look at why she was angry...it started out solely as being disgruntled that your child was sick and it was an inconvenience. Then she turned it on you as the obvious target and you obliged by getting in a fight. The good news is that this will blow over until the next time she needs something. It's how you handle times like this that will matter more than how you handle things when she's happy and polite.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I'm sorry about your setback. Make a mental note and do better next time. I know it's harder for you b/c you're not interested in DBing her right now, persay. But, try to look at controlling you're impulses as personal improvement. Remember how we were talking last night about R's in general improving due to the DB principles? Even though XW is belligerent, you still have an R w/ her and trying to DB the situation, as opposed to XW, might help.
Quote: Either learn to quit defending yourself or find another way to have those discussions.
Very true. I thought I had mastered that, but obviously I'm still a padawan. Also:
Quote: It's how you handle times like this that will matter more than how you handle things when she's happy and polite.
I'll bet you're right. It would likely stick in her head more. You scare me with your comparisons to your 1st ex, Wes. But thanks for doing so. Kev wrote:
Quote: I know it's harder for you b/c you're not interested in DBing her right now, persay. But, try to look at controlling you're impulses as personal improvement.
You're right, I'm not as motivated to DBing as I once was. Yet positives in the R are s/t to work toward, and I need to keep my focus on that. The personal growth stuff is a good viewpoint as well. BTW, I'm not pulling out of DBing XW with false hopes re dating. Not at all. Just fatigued about her. Maybe getting back into the house will help.
Part of this slipup was related to me being off this morning - related to my sleep issue. I'm still getting ~ 5hrs/night, and my bods screamin for at least 7. I bought some melatonin to help with deeper sleep, but I've just got to arrange more time for sleep. I'm not full-blown grumpy, just not as spunky as I can be when rested.
Covering for sick colleague today, so I'm teaching extra classes on new topics. One might help: Stress Management!
Walking down the hallway just now, I was reading s/t and noticed XW walking past me, dressed in workout clothes. I looked up, but she looked away and had a sneer on her face. On my return, I noticed that she had posted a BDay notice for a colleague.
I kept quiet and wondered where S6 was. Judgmental perhaps, but I hope he's not experiencing the warped priorities that I'm seeing.
Gabe, I didn't know DB, I didn't work on myself, and I didn't try very hard to get along with my first XW. So our interactions are cordial for the most part, but when something doesn't go her way she still feels like she has some right to call up and b*tch at me about it. In that way it's similar. Even years after divorce she would still throw out an occasional "You haven't changed" or "Now I know why I divorced you". Funny thing is that I'm happily divorced from her, but by her comments it seems as though she actually must have at least considered me changed or maybe regretted divorce if she needs a fight as a reminder. Oh well, I would never even consider getting back together with her, which is what worries me about my present situation. Suppose my 2nd XW feels the same way? Her actions don't say that, but maybe she's just a nice person? Or maybe she really only wants to be friends?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Gabe, I didn't know DB, I didn't work on myself, and I didn't try very hard to get along with my first XW. So our interactions are cordial for the most part, but when something doesn't go her way she still feels like she has some right to call up and b*tch at me about it. In that way it's similar. Even years after divorce she would still throw out an occasional "You haven't changed" or "Now I know why I divorced you". Funny thing is that I'm happily divorced from her, but by her comments it seems as though she actually must have at least considered me changed or maybe regretted divorce if she needs a fight as a reminder. Oh well, I would never even consider getting back together with her, which is what worries me about my present situation. Suppose my 2nd XW feels the same way? Her actions don't say that, but maybe she's just a nice person? Or maybe she really only wants to be friends?
But you've done the things you needed to do. Get happy with who you are, continue to grow, and if she never sees it then it was entirely her hang-up, not anything to do with you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
