Affairs

[cinemanymph]

My post on LfLs thread got me thinking about a fella in my community who is having an affair. He has been married over 30 years. He and his W are both in their mid 60's. His W began showing signs of Altziemers when she was heading into her 50's and steadily got to a point where he couldn't take care of her himself. She has been in an Altziemers facility for several years. For the last 5 years, she has not acknowledged him when he visits, no verbal communication, no eye contact, no touch. He continues to visit her once a week. Not so long ago, this fella took up with a lady friend. They started going to church and other social functions together. Some folks in our community are outraged. What is the consensus on this board about this situation?

[sat567]

Some folks in our community are outraged.

I'm outraged...by the folks who are outraged. It's none of their business, as far as I'm concerned. More power to him. This seems to me to be one of the few situations where having "relations" outside of marriage is not only understandable, but acceptable under my moral code.

Hairdog

[Lillieperl]

Well, I guess I don't have to say where I stand (but I will ): it is not for any of us to approve or disapprove unless we truly know what it is to be in this situation.

But if you want to know more about this kind of sitch and how totally heartbreaking it can be, I'll refer you to the message boards at wellspouse.org. I started reading it when my husband's multiple surgeries and disabilities started eating us up separately and together. These are individuals who are married to people in varying levels of disability and illness. In some cases the spouse is completely disabled mentally and physically and has been so for 20-30 years. Sometimes there was an accident or the onset of MS right after the wedding. In other cases there are long and debilitating (but not quickly terminal) diseases like ALS and Alzheimer's. Spouses who have to change diapers and perform various types of physical maintenance several times a day have a very hard time feeling sexual. I hope no one leaps in here and reminds us all that the vows say "in sickness and in health" until and unless he or she has walked a thousand miles in those moccasins.

That message board by no means focuses on sexual issues-- they cover the waterfront. But this is a world that is hard to imagine... no one knows what goes on behind those closed doors. Not every disabled couple is a Dana and Chris Reeve (God rest his beautiful soul). And we don't really know what they went through in private either.

[MrsNOP]

It is the subterfuge, betrayal, familial upheaval, emotional devastation of affairs that I find so wrong.

My heart goes out to the poor guy. His wife cannot be impacted by the situation. I assume the woman he is spending time with knows that he is married. So, my primary response is bless his heart, may he find comfort and companionship.

MrsNOP -

[cinemanymph]

I wish that the people in my community and their church expressed your sedtiments, but, alas they do not.

Mrs.NOP, she does know he is married, in fact she prepares care baskets to go with him when he visits his W. She is accepted as part of the family by his grown children.

[MrsNOP]

Sigh. This is where my "fight for the underdog" thing would kick in.

I would go out of my way to say hello to the two of them, include them at my table if there was a church dinner, sit with them during the service, walk out with them after service is over. I have found that often one person (who is still considered a member in good standing with the "group") can impact how others will eventually respond to the "outcasts".

MrsNOP -

[cinemanymph]

Mrs.NOP

If it's mentioned to me, I express sediments along the lines of, "I know that when his W was well, had she known that this would happen, she would have given her blessing to this R".

[OG_Lou]

Re: CN "I know that when his W was well, had she known that this would happen, she would have given her blessing to this R".
CN that is the way I am thinking now if I had Altziemers or something else like it, and did not respond to family members.

Good for you if you encourage him in his new relationship. If he and the OW/lady friend see his W once a week, I say they have big hearts. I say the guy and maybe the woman went through a lot of lonely times and have earned some happiness.

Who knows what the two of them do when thet are together. Maybe the act like room mates (BTDT, it sucks) or maybe they act like lovers.

Lou

[Greeneyedlass]

Cine,

Actually in this man's situation I believe what he's doing is ok. You say they go to church & social functions together....IMPO that's social companionship, that's not an A. I don't know if the man is having physical relations with this W or not, but even so...I'm not sure I could judge him if he was, in that situation.

GEL

[cinemanymph]

GEL,
They do look at each other in the way lovers do. They are not given to PDAs but a person can tell by the little things; a hand at the elbow, the possesive arm about the waist, a stolen gaze, etc.