The only thing I can suggest to you is this when your W says she has to "let go of herself" that SHE needs to make a concious effort to do that.
Our C suggested to my H that in order to concentrate on "US" at home that he needed to literally, mentally put everything he deals with on a shelf at the guard shack on his way out of the hangar when he's heading home. Otherwise he comes home and has this tick-sheet constantly going through his head and there is no room for me.
Eventually, once your W becomes accustomed to conciously putting things aside to make room for you two....she will be able to do it without having to concentrate on it. But bear with her, it will take time for her to learn to do this.
Has your W been to a Psychologist by any chance who does concentrate on Bio-Feedback? If not, that might be an idea....they can concentrate on showing her ways of relaxing, techniques that really do help her let stress go from her body/mind....and they can do it in such a way that she can see it on graphs etc as they monitor her.
My H went to a Bio-Feedback specialist at first....who didn't do much talking and I thought the money was wasted...but if nothing else he did teach my H how to shift his way of thinking....so he has the tools, my H just has to practice using them. So that coupled with a really great MC seems to be finally paying off.
hey heli, in your situation I personnally see abuse, and that is something she has to be willng to dredge up and work thru for her own reasons. She has only shown two instances where she was willing to compromise. During your dating period and when she feared losing you because of divorce. So she is capable of showing desire and can be motivated, but only for her own resons.... You are going to have to have sex with her for your own reasons then.
And it doesn't get any better for her, so she just doesn't see the point.
she saw the point when she saw you looking at a divorce website. I dont see anything except accepting the way it is, I think she is using therapy as an excuse.
You know that if you WA she will kick it up to get you back, so there is no reason she cant do that, now. She can handle soft touch, she has children and hence babies, did she nurse?
Her cringing at your touch, gets a predictable reaction out of you, you leave her alone and feel hurt. Stop that.
more 180's. have sex. for you. if she says I dont feel like it, ignore it. Say clean up we are going to have sex.
(I can already her the screams of indignation from the HDW. Ladies you are not her, you can not emote)
Frankly, when she cleaned up and threw herself on the bed I would have went for it. She bluffed you.
You want desire. you arent going to get it. untill you set some boundaries and she is no longer able to bluff you or make you feel guilt and resentment and insecurity with your perfectly normal male desire. Those reside in you. get rid of em, be forceful with her. (do not interpret, become angry, resentful wife beater.)
Underdog mentioned children crying to create drama when their parents leave, untill the door closes and it magically dries up. Same dynamic, ignore the drama, believe there is no issue, and there wont be. She will escalate the reactions for awhile testing you, if you can REALLY ignore her reactions without an emotional response, they will stop. She will know.
Your sitch is really, really tough. Its going to take a really aggresive and focused on their own needs type of man to make this work. for your kids I say find this man in you. If you cant do that or accept what you have, I predict, eventually youll become resentful and angry enough to WA or have an affair which will have the same effect on her, and she will kick it up till she wins you back.
volleying wont be good for you, her, or the kids. So if you WA stay away.
