Tried it all, nothing seems to work. Please help

[CeMar]

heli58:

What was her life like growing up? Was there abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, or just a dysfunctional family life (like divorce). The reason I ask is my wife also does not like to be touched. These are symptoms common to women that come from a dysfuntional backgrounds.

[cinemanymph]

heli said

The friends she has are all long distance.

This indicates that it maybe easier for your W to maintain friendships if there isn't a daily closeness. Sometimes it is form of insecurity others it is a genuine desire to have alone time. Does your W revel in her own company? Does she seem to have a push pull relationship IRT being alone?

[heli58]

it maybe easier for your W to maintain friendships if there isn't a daily closeness

No, it doesn't mean that...it means I'm in the USAF and move a lot...by the time you make a close bond, we/they move.

I wouldn't say she "revels" in her own company, but she keeps herself busy.

[heli58]

DeMar---I don't know, I wasn't there...how's that for an answer...
Her dad died of a stroke when she was 12. No one can recall anything, but one of her psychiatrists/therapists insisted that she was sexually abused by her father when she was young (6-9 or so) but there's no proof and she doesn't remember anything. Her mom says she doesn't know of anything, but theres a lot of strangenesss there, too.

Again, that's part of the years of therapy that went nowhere.

[AlFall]

Your W was sexually assaulted sometime in her life. I have dealt with the same issue and have a very similar story.

Does your W imply that there is a secret from her past? Is there a time in her life or event in her life that she does not want to discuss? That might be a clue.

There is a lot of attention paid to childhood sexual abuse from parents. However, a lot sexual abuse or sexual assault is perpetrated by peers in school. For example, she might have been at a party in high school, and some guy got her drunk and raped her. Girls that have experiences like this have some of the same symptoms as people who were sexually abused as a young child by a parent. Quite often, the survivor blames herself. "I shouldn't have been there", "my H will think I am a dirty slut if I share this with him", "I should have fought back", are common feelings.

I would encourage her to share her first sexual experience that she can remember. Unfortunately, she may not want to share because the experience might have been painful. She may also resent you for bringing up painful memories.

One word of advice: do NOT try conventional therapy. It does not work for sexual assault survivors. The fact that your W has gone to multiple rounds of therapy without results is a major sign that prior sexual abuse is a cause of the problem.

Here is a great article on the internet that describes the best way to go about therapy for survivors of sexual abuse.

http://movingforward.org/v3n1-professionals.html

[cinemanymph]

AlFall,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for posting this link. It gives insight into the survivors plight more than anything I have read to date. Ms. Maltz is right on the money where sex/marital therapy can go wrong for survivors working through sexual issues. Anyone on the boards who is looking to resolve childhood sexual issues or is a partner to those survivors will do well to read and seriously consider the information in "Sex Therapy with Survivors of Abuse".

[heli58]

cinemanymph,
Why do you honor a song of pediphelia with the quote at the end of your entries?

"to be warm and naked at my side...put your tiny hand in mine...But sometimes love can be mistaken for a crime"

[cinemanymph]

heli,

Those lyrics are open for interpretation.

The ones I site are the feelings I have for my H.

[heli58]

Right...Sorry if it sounded offensive...just never been a GM fan and with all the child abuse subjects here...made me wonder...the song's always been a bit creepy to me with all the innuendos...

Back on topic; the previous post you refer to so thankfully, there...it seems amazing to me that without any other information my wife has been again diagnosed! She HAS been abused??? !!! Sounds like the therapist we saw that was convinced from day one, that she has a secret past and everything is a result of it. Problem was, nothing ever got resolved...seemed, again, the more important thing was scheduling the next visit. I couldn't believe I was paying $150/45minutes to be told to read more books and do the exercises in them and come back next week to pay another $150 to tell her what we learned in the $30 book she told us to read... We got fed up and quit that one.

VERY frustrating. I've told my wife, that when I hit my second career, I'm going to become a therapist. I can do what they do. "How does that make you feel?"

Bottom line: How do you find a good therapist that actually will help?

[Greeneyedlass]

heli58,

My best advice is to interview them first. Some therapists & psychologists don't really appreciate that because they think it's a waste of their time (and they'd probably rather be paid an hour for 5-minutes of work) BUT some therapists really do appreciate it. The C (who is a psychologist) that my H and I are going to is the ONLY one who returned my call requesting a brief phone interview with her.

I chose to take a phone interview approach for a couple of reasons....

#1 I wanted to make sure we were going to be going to someone who knew we wanted to "save" our M and truly work with us to do that.

#2 I wanted to make sure we were going to be spending our well earned money on someone who would call "BULL" if she saw it (on either of us)...and not tiptoe around it.

#3 I wanted to kind of get a feel for the approach/style the therapist has. My H had been to one for several months (on his own) who seemed to concentrate more on bio-feedback than actually talking....this got us no-where, the main problem my H has is that he won't communicate (DUH!).

The C we finally went with (who we really both like) did call me back, did give me the phone interview, listened to a brief history of what we'd been through, gave me some feedback as to what her approach/style is....and we are both very happy with her.

Try it....many people won't call you back...obviously those aren't the ones you want to be spending your money with, it'll save you some time and frustration!

GEL