Do I keep a friendship with ex???

[CONSFAN2]

I've had a week full of emotions. I guess that is what we are all experiencing going through something like this. From being extremely mad because of what is his putting me through. To been totally devastated everytime I see him and drive away from him.
I had to see him for business yesterday (did I mentioned that after the D a month ago I've seen him once everyweek for one reason or another,crazy I know.) , for the first time I did not do any R talk. That was a huge step, cause I do everytime or I hint at knowing that there could be OW. But my resentment still showed a bit when he offer some help and I said "I don't think I want to call you" he looked sad for about 3 seconds. Still when I drove away I knew in my gut that he will never come back, that there is no more feelings left. He cares what happens to me, he's told me and I know he does. But lv, not anymore. All it feels is like this huge vast valley between us and that we could never be in that loving way we once were. That it is just not in him and it will never be. And feeling that from him hurts the most. He does not have to speak a word, is just a feeling I get from him. I think I am out of hope. Before the D, he wanted to start fresh, that the only way to wipe the slate clean was to get a D and start as friends. He felt that would be the only way we could have a chance, to start from square one to rediscovered each other and value what we had. I haven't heard that tune in a while which makes me think he is involved. And if that is so I feel like I might just have to move on.

[She_Left_Me]

Take a deap breath, and relax..... This IS the cycle we all go thru. I was there a few months ago - no hope, trying to move on. It is all part of the process.

Now, your XH wants to be friends. I know this hurts, becasue, you guessed it, I have been told the same thing. When YOU are ready, try it. Do little things together - no R talks!!! ( I know, I need to follow my own advise here )

Don't focus on if there is OW or not. This won't help YOU. Step back, and cut the contact down between you both. Let his new life set in a bit. Allow yours to set in too. If you are around each other too much, it is no different for him.

Let go, as hard as this is. Everything will happen in time - for you and him.

This may sound mean, or "easy for you to say". I am living this same nightmare as you. I had NO contact for over 4 months. I only recently forgave her, no I am doing much better. She still isn't ready to do things as friends yet. We are all going at different paces. Time is the only thing that will help, one way or another...

Take time for you right now. We all ride this roller coaster.

[CONSFAN2]

, some one send me an oxygen tank!!. Taking VERY deep breaths.....ahhhhh..hmmmmm.....ok now ODing too much oxygen....j/k Maybe I need a good three stooges slapping when I get all emotionally crazy like that, seriously.

You went without contact for 4 months!! thats brave, the longest we've gone is one week, and it nearly killed me. The excuses for contact are diminishing, there is not a lot of business left so I know the day will come when I am going to GDrk for a long time, that will be the true test.

You know, I track on Outlook Calendar everytime there is contact, and I was just looking over it. This past week we talked on Monday twice, Wendsday for about 20ms, Saw him Thursday for about 25mns, and talked for about 10 on Friday. Wow, that is alot considering the situation.

Also about two weeks ago I call him early in the morning biting his head off over possible OW, and that night he calls me "just to see what I am doing" and we had one of our longest talks (1 hr) and best talks, what gives. I really thought that day he was never going to call me again.

Anywho, I would like to visit his grandmother again ,but his mom has not called me and I thought she would make some kind of contact after my self and my family went to visit a week ago. I think I might call to ask if I can visit, I hope they know there is not another agenda then just that of my sincere concern for his grandma.

I made a conciense decision to let go, because I don't think there is nothing I can do to bring him back, he has to want it, I can't force it. It is though to tell yourself this, I cried when I did. But I guess is a first step in healing.

BTW, You all know how when you have so much to tell the WAS and you cant they tell you write it but don't send it. Why not start a thread for that, that way we actually have an audience.

[CONSFAN2]

Hi all, I havent posted in a while because unfortunately his grandmother has past away. Its been an emotional time on all fronts. He called me to let me know a couple of hours after it happened, and I was at both the rosary and the mass and funeral the next morning. I know this sounds cheesy but it literally hurt inside me to see him going through this. She raised him since he was a baby, her house was his refuge, it was home away from home and now that is gone. So I am stepping back and letting him be, he needs time.

Previous to this happening, he had come over to help me out with some computer stuff. His first time at the house since the D. 20mins later after he left he called just to see how it was going, we had a talk that went so, so. That night I realize how much and strongly I care for him. So much so I woke up that next morning wanting to talk to him so bad I was ready to make up any excuse to make contact. To my surprise he called me on the way to work to tell me how to uncheck some options when loading the software he had given the night before. I told him I knew that and he just said well that is why I was calling,we had a quick chat and wished each other a good day. I would like to think that it was a silly excuse to call me so early, that really he just wanted to talk to me that morning as badly as I did.

Then my b-day came on the 4th, I did not hear from him. On the 6th he sent me a happy b-day message around 8:50 in the morning. At first I though he was two days late, but then I remember him joking around in the past when my bday would come around "oh yeah your bday is on the 6th" and I would pretend pout and say no you forgot. So I think that with everything going on he got confuse and thought it was the 6th instead of the 4th. It made me very happy to hear from him,I just replied with a thank you.

Something has happened in the last two weeks, I've been feeling that butterflies in the stomach in love feeling, it is stupid, because he is not coming back, yet I feel all these good feelings running through my body, like it was in the begingin of our R. I am also seeing things alot clearer. I've re-read alot of the posts and great advice I've gotten, and I can truly understand waht you all having trying to say, it is all making sence. Is like coming out of the Fog. I am still in pain, when I saw his best friend at the wake and he asked me how I was, tears started streaming down and I said not good actually pretty bad and asked him not to tell my XH,ofcourse it would be silly to think he wont.

Any who. Life goes on.

[FiatLux]

Hi there Consfan2,

I just caught up on your thread. You've been working hard, but you might try to amp it up even more in terms of GAL work. For example, its Friday. What do you have planned for yourself for this weekend? Think fun, outdoors, something different. Think about body, mind, soul, social needs.

Keep yourself actively reshaping yourself, attending to yourself, loving yourself.

There is ALWAYS hope. But leave him to your higher power, as he has a lot of work to do.

Take care,

Gabriel

[CONSFAN2]

Hi Gabriel,

Thanks for catching up. What dod you mean "But leave him to your higher power, as he has a lot of work to do. " Who has alot of work to do the XH or the higher power?

Well On Saturday I went running with my group 4 miles in the morning, then had defensive driving all day. On Sunday I spend it pretty much catching up on chores and bills and downloading TV shows episodes. I am also revamping my wardrove. I can't believe I started dressing the way I was for a while there. So I am kicking the overstressed house wife look and bringing the hip young 20 something back, which he felt in love with. I am also keeping up with the house which is a whole job in itself. I don't know what else to do as far as GAL work.

Right now I am just letting him be. I am not one to persue a man. Personally I think man need to do the persuing no matter the situation. And the woman will respond if she is intersted. He is obiviously not at this point, he is still afraid we will get back into arguing , or that my changes are temporary and I am done trying to convenice him other wise no matter how much I care for the man. I have to keep some of my dignity. I know he is the WAH and he is offended and hurt. But I am done trying to convencie him it can be different, like I know it can because of how silly the missunderstandings are. I am done feeling like Sht because he lists every little thing he might have not liked about me. I am more than the list of faults he keeps carrying around and resentment towards me. Give me a break. If he does not want me than is his loss cause some one else will.

[Cristina Maria]

I won't be able to post much or often, but just wanted to chime in: seems like everyone has good advice for you, GAL and take care of yurself.

If you can maintain a friendship wiht EX also, I think that would help (I wish I could have done that), but I know how difficult that can become when it hurts so much and appearances indicate that he's interested elsewhere.

Anyhow, just wanted to encourage you and hope that you can keep your chin up and maybe even remain friends. Who knows where it might lead? Good luck.

[CONSFAN2]

I found my self at a crossroads latetly, I am not one to do things half way. Its either all or nothing. So I am trying to decide if I want to leave a window open, if so how will that affect me or if I slam the door. If I slam the door then I've been considering changing my cell #, so he can't reach me. That is what I mean by If I decide I am done, I am really done.
I saw him briefly 3 weeks ago and one topic let to another and told him it was never too late and he'll never know how much I care. He asked if he came back how would it be different to give him the short version. And I did. He ended the conversation with "we will talk again" I guess he ment about us. Well, hasn't happend yet. We've communicated, but no "talk" yet.
I've summerged my self with work and random activities, to not think of my situation. And also trying to look at all the blessings that I do have. When a negative thought comes into my head, I bring a positive one to squash the bad one. I guess patiance is still the name of the game. But on a positive note I've learned alot about my self and how I contributed to the demise of my Marriage. This time alone has done wonders, too bad he doesn't realize it.