Another day, another thread, another chance to critically consider my life.
You all know my story and if you don't, suffice it to say that I've been divorced three months. No kids together; we each have two of our own.
Prior to starting this thread I looked at my journal that I started when I first began DBing. It was amazing the gamut despair, anguish, desperation, and anger that I went through. I feel that I've leveled out a lot since then. Here's an exerpt from late January.
Quote: Last night was the low of lows. Nothing has changed about you. A lot has changed about me. I’m reconsidering whether I want you or not. Just look at you. What really bugs me is a) you are inconsiderate when I talk to you. You answer the phone “yeah” when you know it’s me. You roll your eyes when I talk to you. I’m getting the vibe from you that you give to Mike. You don’t initiate conversation. B) You still spend excessive amounts of time on MSM to the exclusion of all else. C) You don’t love me. So I looked at your qualities and I found with the exception of physical attraction and some memories of when you were a more interesting person that I really don’t think you’re that great a catch. I’m asking myself “why do I want you as my wife?” I’m struggling to answer that. I spend far too much time worrying about what you’re doing and thinking. Who care what you’re doing? Whatever it is isn’t all that interesting anyway. So at the moment I’m pretty anxious for you to leave. I hope we find a place soon and you move out. I’m debating whether I should tell you I don’t want to buy a place you can rent from me. Why should I have to worry about renting a place out, etc? I want to just tell you to go ahead and find an apartment and be out by the 1st of the month or so. That’s where I’m at emotionally. I want to find someone else. Someone who will at least treat me as someone they’re interested in. I really want to work on myself and I want you out of the picture while I do it. I just don’t want to have Erin and Sean move away. The way you’re behaving right now I wouldn’t be surprised if you let them come over frequently, just so you could do your own thing. Well, that’s it for today. I really shouldn’t let this resentment grow. It’s not part of my healing process. My improved me. I just don’t want to think about our relationship or lack thereof anymore.
Pretty angry sounding, wasn't it? I found out within the next day or so that she was still chit-chatting with her internet friend. I read this now and I don't hardly remember what that despair and anger was like. Oh, I still miss her, but I'm free, I'm firmly in control of my own life and my own happiness, and I left a lot of aggravation behind me. I think since the bomb, I and pretty much everyone else on here, suddenly had some insight into what they might be missing out on. There was a period of regret that we might not have been all we should have been. But, we should also look at the things that were crap about the marriage and rejoice that we don't have that to deal with anymore.
No update for today. I've had no contact with her since she called yesterday to ask if a wallet that was in the wash was her son's. I said..."f..k no. Don't ever bother me at work again you slimy beatch" and slammed the phone down. Just kidding obviously. I told her no and said "have a good day" I guess she must have had one.
Oh, on a sidenote: I started watching white noise last night. Have you seen it? I actually got pretty spooked and stopped watching it. Plus it was sad seeing such a happy marriage.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: I said..."f..k no. Don't ever bother me at work again you slimy beatch" and slammed the phone down
I wish you had, just to hear the stunned silence.
I know I was a sad sight at the beginning, wondering how I would ever survive and how I would get through each day? And wondering how she could do this to me?
And like you, wanted to scream, "Don't you have any idea what you are doing you SELFISH beatch?"
Growth is a hell of a concept; sorry it took this and this long for it to develop.
Okay, now that I've been officially welcomed to my new thread I have a real question that doesn't involve butt sniffing or sex or anything of that type.
My X called a little while ago and seemed to take quite a bit of time actually spitting out what she wanted. She asked me several times what I was doing. Then asked what I was doing for dinner. Then finally indicated that she was thinking of taking the kids out for Mexican (I presume food, rather than a person. hehehehe) and did I want to come along. In essence she asked me out. You guys/gals may not find that strange because we do stuff together fairly often (I'd say extremely often compared to most divorced couples), but dinner is something I think I've initiated almost every time. And in my recollection she has not called solely to ask me to dinner since the bomb. I said that Mexican sounded good and give me a call if they decide to go.
But, here's the weird thing. I really don't feel like going. I am actually dreading being at dinner with her. Maybe I should have said I had other plans, but at this point I've kind of quit trying to give the impression I'm out and about doing things. I've been so busy with housework, yard work, reading for my class, writing in my book, walking the dog, or getting outside to rollerblade, bike or doing things with my kids, that my schedule is full and I don't have to give the impression that there is a woman in my life. She knows I did the dating experiment and I'm sure she's aware I'm not dating right now. Anyway, what is my question? It's what's going on? And how should I act? And is she starting to pursue? And do I care? And just rattle off whatever you want, I just need someone to say something smart to me. he he he
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
She's doing the bulk of the R work lately. Reinforce that w/ your positive presence.
The hard part is the DBing during contact, right? So you'll need to pump up the PMA and just enjoy the moment. Focus on the savory flavor of each taco, etc.., celebrate the kids comments about their days at school, stay light and peppy, relaxed posture as you take in her beauty. In other words, keep feeding yourself while DBing w/ her.
How do you amp it up if you are feeling low? You know best whether belting out a song in the shower, a quick run, an impressive air-guitar routine in your briefs, or a highly satisfactory teeth-flossing followedg by a swig of your favorite flavor of mouthwash will do the trick.
She's dipping her toes back into the water, her back-handed rudeness of January seems much more tempered and careful. I don't think now is the time to pull away. Fake it til you make it.
And Kev, stay away with your alpha male tail sniffing.