Hi. I am new to this site. Please help me and I will continue to read other posts and offer help, wisdom or support when I can. I really need some input on this. My ex-husband and I have a 3 year old son. I just re-married to someone new. I still have feelings for my ex and they are mutual. We can't stay away from each other. My current husband and my child have a wonderful relationship. I asked myself why I married him and I realized that I married him b/c he was my childs best friend. At what age do children become really affected by someone leaving their life? He is 3 - will he ever forget his dearly loved step-dad? Will he be better off taking the risk and living a life with his real dad? I have been married 5 months and I never should have done it. I want my ex back and he wants me. Help!
Wow! This is unusual. Not the run of the mill for this board. Seems you've found success with not one, but two, husbands (not to be facetious).
MyLove, you have to answer quite a few of these questions for yourself and I think these are going to be extremely difficult no matter what you do.
Firstly, why did you divorce the first husband and why do you now think that the problems that ended the first marriage won't reoccur and end it again. Have you considered that perhaps you both want what you can't have and that when the "warm and fuzzy" period is over that it will be back to whatever ended the marriage in the first place? Think long and hard on your motivations for this. There is potential here to end up a single mom with two ex-husbands, and everyone getting hurt. That's the blunt question.
2) There must have been more to your new marriage than just "he was good with my son". At one point you loved him enough to marry him. Now your desire is to cheat on him (if you aren't already) with your ex-husband. You actually already are having an EA with your ex-H (is there more than that?). Are you certain that the love you felt for your current husband can't be rekindled? It's just a decision...I will love my H.
I sympathize. You found yourself in an extremely tricky situation, perhaps just from jumping in a little too quickly. My personal opinion, like it or not, is that you are making decisions entirely too quick. You are letting the "warm and fuzzy" early relationship influence you. Try to imagine 5 years down the line and think things through. I guess we need a few more answers before offering great advice.
Lastly, if you did everything perfectly and you and your ex-H lived happily ever after, I think your son will be fine. How much did your H have to do with him during all this? Did he have regular visitation? Or is he just now popping back into his life? I guess I'll reserve judgement on how your son will fair until I know. If your H is a terrible father and it will be a living hell for your son then I guess I'd have to say that the choice of your ex-H is a poor one.
Once again I ask you to search your feelings. Is this a matter of wanting what you can't have and the high of infidelity mixed with the giddiness of a new/renewed R? Is it your Ex-H wanting what he can't have. The thrill of stealing back his ex-wife? Be honest with yourself. This is an important decision that will affect the rest of your life.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I think a lot of persons consider the friendly and comfortable relationship they develop with their ex to be love. To me it is not love but finally respecting and caring for each other as friends and parents after all the hurt and pain that happended as part of the D. OK, maybe it is love, but not as husband and wife.
I have to think that there was a mayor reason(s) the two of you divorced. Well, those reasons just did not go away and there is a lot of water under the bridge now. Maybe he is also jealous, and maybe you are glad he is jealous. It could be a game the two are you are playing, with your new H in the middle.
If I were you I would count my blessings with have a caring relationship with my ex, and not blow your current M.
Wow! Thank you all for your intellectual feedback! I love this site! As a newcomer, I am overwhelmed at the feedback! I need that. Let me answer some questions: My ex and I divorced because we were young and did not know how to deal with obstacles. If we would have gotten some counseling we would have been okay. We lived an hour away and each of us was not willing to move, so we spent our married life in the same house every night (always together), but we toggled between two homes. We also allowed other people to influence us. We have known each other 6 years now, and we have both changed and we are totally different people now than when we first married. We have talked about it, and said that if we could do it again, we would move to a mutual 1/2 way point, and we wouldn't allow others to influence us. I have had feelings for him (and vice versa) since the day I met him. We never stopped loving each other. It was never an ugly divorce. We got married too soon, we had a child (on purpose), we had obstacles come up, and we jumped the gun and divorced. Now we regret it. During the divorce stage, I met my current husband and we became friends. Before I knew it, friends turned into more, and a year passed, and I felt pressured when he asked me to marry him. Instead of coming clean with my feelings, I took the coward road. My ex wants us back together, we discuss it all the time, but we are both scared. Scared that our problems will come back, and scared that we are doing something drastic again. We do not believe that our past problems would resurface, because we have talked about and dealt with them. We just really regret where we are right now. If we died tomorrow, we would not be doing what we want to do. We feel like time is waisting away. I don't think that the "warm and fuzzy" feeling would go away because it never has. We have never been able to excape the warm and fuzzy, even when we tried. I am not cheating on my current husband PHYSICALLY, but MENTALLY, yes I am. I do love him, but there are different degrees of love, I believe. I am with him for the wrong reasons. There is also another factor: I have MS. I was at the top of my game when I was diagnosed. I was teaching aerobics and a cheerleader at UCLA. Then my world came crashing down. I have had a hard time dealing with it. I went from feeling like I was good enough for anyone, to feeling like I was not good enough for anyone. My ex and my current are both "okay" with it. However, I do feel a little more compassion from my current, and unfortunately, that is one of the reasons that I chose to be married to him. I know that both men accept it, but my current does a little more than that. My current husband is my best friend, my "caretaker" so to speak. My ex was my lover, friend & "helper" when my MS was concerned. He motivated me to try and do things myself, but he would step in when i needed him. My current husband does too much, he almost makes me feel sicker than I am. I try to take the wonderful advice of la_esperanza and imagine 5 years down the line, and I imagine myself sitting on my porch with my current husband and being content and being happy, but my heart aches cause it yearns for someone else. And that someone else never goes away, he is always in the picture. He is my childs father, so we will always be in each others lives. My ex (the biological father of my child) has a great relationship with our son. He always has. He has never left him. He comes to get him once a week. They are extremely close. My current husband (my childs step-father) are extremely close too. He is his best friend. I think my child sees him as a playmate. Do you think he will outgrow his need for a playmate and wish that his father was living with us? Or do you think he is more than a playmate and he needs him? To Allan: thank you for your reply. It gave me something to think about. And I will take your post to heart and really think about the flip-side to this. Thank you all for being so helpful - I really need you all right now. Love and friendship!!
Also, I want to have another child desparately. My current H doesn't want to. No way. No exceptions. Not even worried about my feelings. My ex, however, wants another child horribly, but he only wants one with me, and vice versa. Now what???
MyLove (I probably should just say ML because it sounds like I'm calling you my love-which I am, but you know what I mean).
Thank you for the answers. Your son will be fine, but as time goes on I imagine he'll see your current husband as more a father than his father, rather than a playmate.
Sounds like basically everyone has the opportunity to lose something here and it's just unfortunate. I wished I could actually say that everyone will be alright, but they won't. Someone, or several someones, will get hurt in this.
This isn't fair to your current husband; I hope you know that. He deserves to know your feelings rather than just popping it on him. My only advice, since I really don't know what is right, is to see a counselor. Maybe by yourself at first (before telling your current H) and then with your H if necessary.
Part of me wants to say that getting back with XH is the wrong move. That you are rationalizing the reasons why you got remarried, making your H out to be more flawless than he is because you feel love for him, and perhaps minimizing your past R with your H. That's the part of me that has personally endured a wife that imagined love with someone else and thought only the worst of our R. I've lived through a wife that has rewritten our entire history together and read countless stories of similar things. I just feel perhaps you may be starting to do the same thing. Now, on the other hand, I do realize that love for someone you married doesn't just go "poof" and it's gone and I also understand what it's like to share a child with someone and want there to be a complete biological family. So, from that standpoint I feel that going back to your XH sounds right. What is best for you and your child (I don't care what's best for your XH because he didn't ask for help...you did)? BTW, who initiated the divorce?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
My husband initiated the divorce. But he is the one who keeps suggesting that we should be back together. I am second guessing myself now. Does he really want me back, or is that his way of getting me away from my current? Yes, I start seeing a counselor the 29th. I know it is not fair to my current H. I keep waiting for this yearning for my ex to go away, but it won't. That is why I sought out the help from this site - until I start seeing my counselor. Would you want to know the honest play by play if you were my current H? Should I tell? Or should I work things out in my own head and then let him know once I have figured it out?
Quote: Would you want to know the honest play by play if you were my current H? Should I tell? Or should I work things out in my own head and then let him know once I have figured it out?
Honestly? If you were my wife and through soul searching and a counselor you were able to figure out you wanted to stay with me, I wouldn't want to know how close you came to leaving me for your XH. BUT, if you are determined to leave him I think you need to level with him. If there is a chance you will stay then I think keeping it for a bit is okay.
ML, I'm very concerned that your XH's motivation, whether he knows it or not, is driven by wanting what he can't have because you remarried. Guys seem to be driven strongly by that urge. When exactly did he start wanting you back? Before you remarried? Before this other man came along? I could be wrong. Maybe he realizes what he's lost and as you say he's changed and is not the man that divorced you. Maybe you should ask him flat out.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I would agree with the previous post. Persons are driven by what they can't have. My exW wanted the divorce initially, and then I wanted it. As soon as we were divorced and I had met someone she suddenly realized her mistake, regretted her actions, and wanted me. I sometimes also thought about her but thank goodness I came to my senses. It's a normal process to long for that relationship we lost. It is not normal to get a D and remarry that person. Think about how messed up emotionally and decisively we'd have to be to do that.
I also agree that we start to rationalize everything - "It wasn't that bad, I could have X with my ex but only W with my current, etc.". It's never ending and if we look at it that way we'd never be happy with what we have today.
I would bet that if your ExH met someone that his feelings for you would change pretty quickly.
