So pleased to have come across this site. I've been married for 12 years and love my wife. We have 3 kids, the youngest is 4. I've always been HD and in the early years so was my wife, but the more kids and the more tired she became from focusing on being the perfect mum the lower her interest has become. I could count on my hands the number of times we have ML since the youngest arrived, and in the last 6 months its probably been twice of what she calls quickies i.e all over in less than a minute as she worries the kids will find us etc. I probably feel worse after because it make me think I've now got a PE problem as well!
She hasn't initiated for years and I'm so down from the feeling of rejection.
Her favourite avoidance tactic is to let the youngest sleep in our bed & i get farmed off to his!
She sometimes says she loves me & we hug & kiss - at my initiation. It's so hard not to go off & have an affair (& I have had offers!), but I can only see that adding to the problem. At the moment I'm having to 'sort myself' out every day otherwise I just think & stew about sex all the time. It's become the be all & end all.
I just don't understand how or why she won't see this as a problem. To me ML is the most natural, satisfying relationship enhancing thing there is. I feel like a walking timebomb that will explode and end up Divorced, financially stuffed up and awfull about letting down the kids.
I've tried talking to her about this in the past. But she just doesn't want to face doing something about it. She says her SD will come back in time when she gets less tired. I help with the kids & around the house & I don't seem to be in trouble or nagged or smell.
What I just don't get it that she doesn't seem to hate be intimate, just wants to avoid starting the engine.
I've read chapter one & will get the book. But in the meantime any advice?
Please check out the books 5 Love Languages and Passionate Marriage as well. We make frequent references to these on this site. There are many people here who are fighting for a better, happier marriage and sex life. Your wife used to be HD too - can you tell us more about the evolution of the LD. Can you describe more about the quality of your R otherwise? How are cleaning, repair and childcare jobs divided in your home. Do you both work. Do you both enjoy good physical health? How old are you and she? Any counseling over the years?
I know this is laborious but it helps us all to put things in perspective when we offer advice or suggestions. There are some smart people here with experience and good suggestions. We all love our spouses and are doing our best. You are in good company.
I'm 42, she's 37. We haven't done any counselling because my wife doesn't think there's a problem. She's a full time mum by choice. I work but not stupid hours and quite a lot from home so I'ma round to help out. Frankly I've been told to get out of the way as she sees the kids as her job.
Apart from the SSM I don't think there's any other problems but them maybe I need to ask!
The LD came on as we had kids. I wondered in the past if it was because she got pregnant so easily -I mean really straight away every time. It's not as if she didn't want kids she did /does and being a mum is what she really wants to be / do. But as soon as she became pregnant she became LD each time and although it came back a bit after the first one, it hasn't come back at all after the 3rd arrived & the second came along when we did it once in two years. To ensure this wasn't a problem for her when she decided 3 kids was enough I had a VOP.
Yes we are both healthy. One possible contribution in this area is that she's gained a bit of extra curves over the years, which I don't have a problem with, but in the past she has said in a homoursly put way (but probably seriously thinks this) 'If I feel fat then your not getting any'.
I'm trying hard not to push for sex at the moment, just being affectionate....
Well - thanks for the info. Funny, I am 37 and have three bio kids and some teenage foster children (4) and get pregnant ridicuously easily as well. I have also had a couple of recent miscarriages. Being a stay at home Mom (I was for 9 years) can be a recipe for low libido in some women. I think the lack of stimulation and the lack of spending any time alone pursuing your own interests just doesn't help. Is there anything she is interested in that you could support her in doing - yoga, karate, classes, whatever.... Sometimes just getting out of the house helps.
Karen
PS 37 yo women can be entering peri-menopause and can have crazy hormones - up one minute, down the next. It doesn't help.
Good point. She's probably out more than I am, but a lot of the time doing Parent Association stuff - so still kids / same environment related.
Being very protective of the children it's only recently she will let friends babysit so we can get out together. I'll have to push that along a bit more.
Seems she's forgotten to make time enough time for herself - and us.
Any other helpfull ideas? Does SD come back or is it very difficult to get out of the LD rut if not actively making the effort?
I was LD for a long period of time in part due to a miserable 1st marriage. When my SD did come back it wasn't for my husband (long, ugly story). I never had an affair or anything close but just didn't care to share my sexuality with my H. I'm not saying that this is the case with your W. I am the HD partner in this M and have been through four years and a new baby (15 months old). I do think it has to do with my current H being a good man and overall a good H. I also think that it has a lot to do with my maturation. I finally learned to be sexual for my own reasons (not just to keep an immature, verbally abusive man happy). I finally accepted that I am sexually attractive even if I'm not an actress or model.
My current issue is with getting my H to communicate sexual interest, needs etc... better. My current H is anxious about sex, has a lower drive than I do and let's too much of life get in the way. Remarkably, I could have said all of that about myself when I was LD.
For what it is worth if you and your W are religious at all many people have found world wide marriage encounter weekends to be renewing and helpful to their marriage. People who aren't Christian often find the Christian aspect a little much.
It's scary how similar your sitch is to mine. W and I are nearly the same ages as you two, married 11 years, we have 2 kids, younger is 5. W insists on having kids sleep with her. So in any case you aren't unique. My W is far from the perfect mom, though.
I do have a comment about the quickies. If W and I ever ML, it's usually a quickie, partially because we have to sneak it. But it really isn't fulfilling for either of us. Several of the people on the board describe their vacations in detail with all of the naughty bits. It appears that a vacation away from the stresses of kids and home can inspire some good nookie. See if W will go for a romantic weekend. The few times (OK the one time) I got W to agree we had a great time.
After our 2nd child was born, my exW's (36 at the time) libido evaporated. She was also a stay at home mom. Constantly tired, constantly thinking about the kids. She told me that after being touched by the kids all day that she just did not look forward to being touched by me.
What really helped us was establishing a solid schedule for the kids - fed, bathed and in bed by 8:00 every night. The only time we had for each other was after the kids went to bed and we had cleaned up. It was also critical that we both go to bed at the same time and early. We also made an agreement to not let the kids sleep in bed with us, and to allow for the closing of doors. I also made sure that we talked about sex more often.
My younger brother now has exactly the same problem, and the same symptons that we had. After his W goes to bed he stays up late watching TV or working on the computer. Several hours after his W has been asleep he goes in and expects his W to be hot and ready for him. Very frustrating for him, but understable.
The real tragedy here is that women in their late 30's and early 40's are just reaching their sexual peak. All while they are in their child rearing years.
I feel so much better knowing there's plenty of others in the same situation. I'm going to spend a month not pushing & doing a lot of the stuff advised. Then request that I can return to the same bed!
