I think the point of the question "how 'bout foolin' around?" is not so much "Shall we ML?", but more if the wife is in the mood, or not repulsed with the idea of some hanky panky, and maybe some LM (or not).
What you said makes sense but by asking the question you run the risk of interrupting what may turn into a good thing. You either A) distract her and make her stop going with the flow of feelings or B) have asked to soon before the flow becomes a current that she does not want to deny.
I don't want to 'bother' my wife each and every night simply to hope that 'this time I'll get some' where most of the times it might annoy her that I am 'pressing for ML all the time'.
Gonna put this simply as this. If you are pretty sure she will feel bothered don't bother her if you are unclear if she will feel bothered test the water. If you are trying every night yeah she does probably feel pressured and resentful which are not good feelings to build desire off of.
My H use to annoy the hell out of me with this. There are clear indicators at times that tell you your spouse is not going to be receptive to you. Just from my perspective I will name some.
If I have been puking my guts out all day with a headache don't bother me with wanting sex if you do you will be rejected and more then likely if you try the next night I will be thinking of how much of a insensative cad you are and still not want to have sex. If you have been so sick all day that you could not either go to work or leave the couch don't bother to try to have sex that night. I will then feel you fringed sickness to be lazy and get pissy which will probably last a day or two. If we just had a huge fight or I am really stressed out don't bother because even if I say okay it will be resentment sex. Which hmmm is not good sex. If we have had sex frequently and I say no and you make pity yourself noises or show signs of feeling sorry for yourself don't bother to try the next night either I am going to be pissed with the lack of respect you showed me and this will last a day or two if left alone longer if you keep trying.
This is a pattern my H should know trying to have sex after any of the above mentioned is not recieved well. I have told him so repeatedly. But he just keeps on and on and on trying. I feel like he must be dense at times it is so simple Chris is sick her inners have felt like they are trying to become outers today I should respect her enough to not try to have sex with her today.
perpetual disappointment
You run the risk of this either way it goes if you try and get shot down or if you decide not to try to avoid getting shot down. Just as the LD partner experiences this if you try every night. The dynamics of those two little words being paired together are endless
Now a Chrissy question. One thing that drives me nutty is that implicitly, if we are expected to push for it all the time and with the chance of scoring like 1 out of 20 times.
Who other then yourself expects you to push for it all the time? It is your wants that push you no one elses?
If you tried (hypo question here) to have sex with your mate 20 times in 30 days and you only score 1 time. Would you stand to achieve the same score if you only tried 15 times in one month. Because unless you score always on the 15th to 20th try odds are pretty much the same either way. And do you start recounting after every encounter or wait until you achieve the 20th try mark? Point to this question is just wondering how much we exhaust ourselfs with useless trying . Trying to iniate trying to avoid it all seems silly if less effort brings us the same result. I am really stressed out with all the trying out of how to feel what a person does not feel.So I may just be rambling now sorry.
I just want to point something out here that perhaps you might not have thought of...
You said...(One thing that drives me nutty is that implicitly, if we are expected to push for it all the time and with the chance of scoring like 1 out of 20 times.
Who other then yourself expects you to push for it all the time? It is your wants that push you no one elses?)
While it may be true that we push ourselves...remember the people you are speaking to (who are the HDS's) often go days & weeks on end before asking their spouse for sex again...or testing the waters. Many of us on here have sex 5-10 times per year (or less). Many of us on here, don't pester (or receive) anywhere in the ballpark of what you've experienced with your H.
Just trying to keep things in perspective here. Your H pestered (no doubt about that)....but still received sex on a pretty darned near regular basis a couple times a week (something most of us here would die for). Most of us who are complaining of a lack of sex here....rarely ever receive it. We have asked for it and are rejected continually (and by that I don't mean we ask daily...I mean we ask when we can't take it anymore and are still rejected or rebuffed).
I think you misunderstood Lou (correct me if I'm wrong Lou) in his "consistently" phrasing. If I'm wrong...it certainly wouldn't be the 1st time LOL. It just seemed to me Chrissy that you were coming at him from the perspective of a woman who is constantly bombarded by requests for sex...which is completely understandable considering that is what you've experienced.
Re: Greeneyedlass Most of us who are complaining of a lack of sex here....rarely ever receive it. We have asked for it and are rejected continually (and by that I don't mean we ask daily...I mean we ask when we can't take it anymore and are still rejected or rebuffed). Right on GEL.
I ask/hint around/ try to get her in the mood/ do things she wants to do I have no interest in hoping there is a little something in it for me later, maybe 2X to 3X a month. And yes it is about when I can't take it anymore most of the time. six weeks is a long time to go with out some hugging, kissing, and sex for a guy that used to MB 7 nights a week a long time ago.
I think Chrissy mentally gets some/most of this HD stuff.
correct me if I'm wrong Lou) in his "consistently" phrasing. I think the other poster said that. All I said was his post painted a good picture and what he wrote, I agree with.
GEL, what you posted about not asking tthat often and only when things get bad is too true.
I hope you're joking...that would be a childish thing to do and it would only piss her off.
She was at the very least being honest with him, that her "no" is a knee-jerk reaction response...and giving him the info that he stands a better chance of her not saying "no" if he continues to try to arouse her and not ask if she wants to fool around etc was very forthcoming of her. She was communicating to him in her own way that she's a arousal=desire person; that's valuable info for him.
How would you respond if your W dropped that little kernel of insight for you?
So if a man asks his wife for sex, she gets to tell him no 99% of the time? This is not something that should even be joked about. Why can't she say, "I'd love to". Heck, aren't us guys supposed to ask? Make it clear?
Oh, as far as the arousal=desire type women, that would be my wife. That means I provide all the desire, I do all the work, and I never feel any desire. I get to play the gaurdian of all sex, just like honeypot is struggling with in her husband.
You are correct and I thank you for bringing this to my attention. Though I do realize that alot of the HD people here do not get sex frequently I guess by reading words such as continually,constantly and all the time in sentences such as We have asked for it and are rejected continually And yes the word continually makes me percieve this to be almost daily quest for sex. And you are correct that I do probably let my sitch overflow into this perception since my H does constantly try for sex and by that I mean almost daily. And touches me sexually all of the time and by that I mean 90% of his touches are of a sexual nature. Thank you for pointing out to me that I am putting to much emphasis on certain key words in a sentence.
I only pointed that out simply because I believed your sitch colored your interpretation of some of the posts...and that's only to be expected. If my H pestered me daily for sex I'd probably read & respond to some of the posts the same way you did Just been on here long enough (sigh) to know when most people phrasing things like "continually", that there's usually a good time span in between (weeks, months, sometimes years)LOL.
Ok...you don't get it. She can't say "I'd Love to" because there is something conditioned within her that causes that knee-jerk reaction to say "no"...it's a conditioned response. Her giving him that information was a breakthrough for her. She, I believe, is on the path to figuring out why she does what she does (or doesn't do.)
It appears to me that you are concentrating on what she said in the negative "no" rather than hearing what she really did say "if you'd just keep going I'd get in the mood"....that was important info for him. That was her saying in a sense "that I need you to do that in order for me to get in the mood, so just don't ask for permission, go ahead, if I really don't want to have sex I'll tell you."
If you aren't able to see the positive to this CeMar I believe it's because you don't want to; you concentrate too much on your perception of what sexuality should be and what it should be for your W. She opened up and gave him some insight to how she works and I think that's great!
You still didn't answer my question though...."how would you react if your W said that to you?" What would you do with that piece of info? Because it is very possible your W gives you a "conditioned response". You've stated before that you could have more sex than you do...what's to say your W doesn't also give you a conditioned response?
You had said If you are pretty sure she will feel bothered don't bother her as a suggestion to avoid being rejected and disappointed, as well as to avoid angering/frustating the LD spouse. I agree with that - but if you know your spouse is LD, you recognize that a significant portion of the time (in most cases, the majority of the time), asking for S will (a) bother the LD spouse and (b) result in rejection. Unfortunately, there aren't many positive alternatives for the HD spouse.
I know if I asked and she said yes, I would probably need CPR to recover from the shock-induced heart attack! If she initiated S, I would be convinced that an alien had taken possession of her body and was preparing to kill me in flagrante delicado. (Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but 1.5 years w/no S tends to skew your perspective a bit.)
Just been on here long enough (sigh) to know when most people phrasing things like "continually", that there's usually a good time span in between (weeks, months, sometimes years)LOL.