"Too often, women's sexuality is defined from a male perspective, says Jill P. Wohlfeil, MD, an ob-gyn who practices near Milwaukee and who is writing a book about women's sexuality. Just as we've come to recognize gender differences in numerous health-related areas-- heart disease, for instance--we also need to recognize gender differences in sexuality, she says.
"We have to completely redefine what's 'normal' for women as compared to what's 'normal' for men," Dr. Wohlfeil says. For instance, "the whole idea that successful sex means each partner reaching orgasm is a completely male view of sex."
The redefining has begun. A huge step was the 2000 publication of British researcher Rosemary Basson's concept of the female sexual cycle. Dr. Basson turned the classic sexual desire cycle defined more than half a century ago by sex researchers Masters and Johnson--conscious sexual urging, thinking and fantasizing, followed by arousal, plateau, orgasm and resolution--on its head.
Instead, Dr. Basson suggested that women's sexual desire, particularly for women in long-term relationships, is governed more by a woman's thoughts and emotions than by any feelings in her genitals. In her sexual cycle, experiencing pleasure triggers arousal, which subsequently triggers desire.2
"Dr. Basson's model suggests that emotional intimacy, not biology, drives the cycle," explains Sheryl A. Kingsberg, PhD, associate professor of reproductive biology and psychiatry at Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine in Cleveland, OH.
"So women shouldn't think something is wrong with them just because they don't have that initial 'horniness' when their partner wants to have sex," she says. Generally, once a woman begins the sexual process, that feeling kicks in.
...
Understanding Desire
There are three key components to a woman's desire, or libido, says Dr. Kingsberg:
• The drive, or biologic component. This is the part of you that tingles when you think about sex or see someone you think is "sexy." You can have drive without desire. Your drive is primarily driven by testosterone, the sex hormone, with half of all testosterone produced in your ovaries.
• Social or contextual beliefs and values. Religious and cultural values will contribute to levels of desire. For example, if your value system says that sex is not appropriate for a 60-yearold woman, then you're not going to feel very sexual.
• Motivation. This is by far the most important component, says Dr. Kingsberg. "It reflects all the psychological and interpersonal factors that create a willingness to be sexual." These factors can be the quality of the relationship, whether you're worrying about your children or work, and your psychological health. Depression and desire don't mix, Dr. Kingsberg explains.
"Most women are motivated to be sexual by the desire for emotional intimacy," she says. "So while drive helps the cycle, it isn't necessarily the primary or initial factor that gets a woman willing to engage in sexual activity."
What women (and men) really need to understand, says Dr. Wohlfeil, is that a woman's libido is not something she can just turn on and turn off by taking a pill or by using a cream or by doing some kind of vaginal exercise.
"It's something that has to be nurtured," she says. And that comes from setting priorities. It could be going to bed at the same time as your husband, writing out a list of your worries before bedtime so your mind is clear to think of other things, or scheduling a date for sex.
Women who do these things, who put intimacy high on their "to do" list "are the kind of women I see who are doing much better in their relationships," says Dr. Wohlfeil. "And whether you want to define intimacy as physical or emotional, if you completely turn it off all day long and then expect this little light bulb to turn on at 9:30 or 10 p.m., when you finally get to bed, it's just not going to happen and that's when women get frustrated."
(emphasis mine, not in the original)
The author's seem to have a similar view as mine in regards to the medical community and women's sexuality.
I think as long as both men and women, whether LD or HD are leading with the idea that they *must* be horny before initiating sex or engaging in sex, then we may be continuously setting ourselves up for disappointment and dissatisfaction.
Neither or which are conducive to sexual satisfaction.
Thanks for posting the article - it seems to reflect what I've seen from other researchers, in that desire often comes AFTER you start engaging in sexual activity. I guess the question is, how does someone who is LD overcome their lack of desire to initiate, hopefully so they can begin to experience desire?
Ironically enough, I just got a message from a fortune cookie that reads: "Seek out the significance of your problem at this time. Try to understand." Like the fortune cookie KNEW that this article was coming...
Quote: I think as long as both men and women, whether LD or HD are leading with the idea that they *must* be horny before initiating sex or engaging in sex, then we may be continuously setting ourselves up for disappointment and dissatisfaction.
Just this weekend, I was touching Ms. HDog in a non-sexual, but suggestive manner. We were in bed, no kids awake. I said, "how 'bout foolin' around?" and she said, "no."
Later, she told me that "99 times out of 100" she would say no to that question. That I just needed to keep on touching and not verbalize. She said, "if you ask that question, and I'm not excited already, I will almost always say no."
I want to share this article with her, because I don't think she'll listen to me when I say, "don't say 'no'...say 'maybe' and try to go with the flow." Isn't that we HD's do when, for instance, my W asks me, "do you feel like cleaning the floor?" The answer is always "no," but I go ahead and do it because I know it is important to her.
I thought that was one thing we were supposed to do when we loved someone.
Do you realize that what your wife just told you was a good thing? She herself realizes that she will say no if asked So encouraged you to act instead of talk in the future. That is a little give is it not? Better then the hands off verbage she usually offers you.
Chrissy, I think the point of the question "how 'bout foolin' around?" is not so much "Shall we ML?", but more if the wife is in the mood, or not repulsed with the idea of some hanky panky, and maybe some LM (or not).
One thing that drives me nutty is that implicitly, if we are expected to push for it all the time and with the chance of scoring like 1 out of 20 times, the whole act of seducing becomes rather painful (and to some extent pathetic) for the Hd partner.
Also, I think it is in general a good thing if there would be more clarity. I don't want to 'bother' my wife each and every night simply to hope that 'this time I'll get some' where most of the times it might annoy her that I am 'pressing for ML all the time'. It would be so much easier if the LD partner could be more forthcoming or clear when she is willing to ML or not.
You gain 2 major advantages: 1) The HD partner doesn't run the risk of trying to seduce his/her partner all the time only to be turned down in the majority of times. (perpetual disappointment) 2) The LD partner won't feel as pressed all the time and feel overwhelmed by his/her partner's perpetual desire for sex. It would very much remove a lot of the (killing) anxiety between the partners. It's the same principal as 'scheduling ML'.
Re: MQO One thing that drives me nutty is that implicitly
mqo, your whole post said it so well, I just had to say something. You know what? I don't think most LD's will even hear anything close to what you wrote until you are out the door. Sad!
Maybe you're right, Annette. I just hate to touch and touch and touch and then for her to turn to me and say "stop." I guess I just want to know early on whether my efforts will be wasted or not.
