Moving On with H

[BeingMe]

Catching up on some journalling ...

Went to my C the other day, and it was a great session. I have started working on past issues - my family, feelings and events that have not been dealt with in my previous M and when I miscarried twins at 5 months, self-esteem issues, trusing myself, and continuing to deal with my present feelings within my R with my H (although everything there seems to be going well, except H has been rather introspective lately, about his life and what he wants to do with it - he wants to take a break from church, work on lowering stress, thinking about the future, re-assessing his definition of success, etc. Or, at least, that's how I am understanding from him - from what he has said, and by his actions). I support him in this, and have been feeling somewhat philosophical and introspective about life, as well. I think we all go through periods like this - it's a good time to re-evaluate beliefs, feelings, thoughts, and so on, and set new goals, or re-commit to old ones.

I found this wonderful quote by Rabindranath Tagore: "Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it". I posted this on someone else's thread, but wanted to put it here for myself, and anyone else who may wonder onto my thread. It has certainly made me think about the person I am inside. I have never been one to be swayed by fear - shyness, maybe, but not fear. However, I don't consider myself as courageous, more stubborn and dogmatic. I may be wrong, but sometimes I feel that this lack of hesitation despite being fearful has not always been a good thing. I want to work on being more discerning in the obstacles I want to overcome (despite the fear). Sometimes, one can just go around the obstacle rather than hammering away at it. On the other hand, I don't want to ignore or deny things that do need to be dealt with. I guess we are all on a journey, a learning process, and I hope it leads me to some sort of wisdom. Ultimately, I suppose, it's all a matter of balance, being at peace with what is, and being thoughtful when making a stand, or moving forward with a plan of action.

Anyway, that's muh ramblin's for the day. Hehehehe!

[Phoenix_spark]

Just letting you know I haven't fallen off the earth, just in a little bit of an impatient, tired of the fight mode. I appreciate you stopping by my thread. As you know, each day is a battle, where it goes, no one knows. As I mentioned last night, my computer access time is very limited now, so I'll catch up with you later.

[BeingMe]

Good to hear from you, Phoenix! I am not having a great day today. I spend way too much time alone, being in this new city - and so, way too much time on my hands, to think (can't wait for the new semester). The only people I interact with, are my H and D13, store attendants, occasional email from friends, the bb, and very little from church (I don't even have VT's here) . I know that I am feeling a little sorry for myself, but I also know I will pick myself up and move on tomorrow. Unfortunately, I am somewhat of a social person, but at the moment I feel I am becoming a recluse.

I am thinking of asking to be released from my calling, and taking a break from church. I don't have a feeling of belonging at church. Eh, we'll see how things go (this is something I have struggled with for years, and don't know what to do about it. Every time we go to a new W, I hope that things will be better, but it's just as clicky as the previous one, just as affirming to me that there is something wrong with me. I usually make friends so easily outside of church, but within - not so much, although I seem to even be having problems with making friends outside church these days). H has been having similar feelings, so I know it's not just me. Anyway, that's my big issue right now, and at least my H is supportive here.

H and I had a bit of an argument last night over finances. We have very seldom fought over this issue in our 20 years marriage, but I am still feeling very insecure in our M, and I feel he is not being responsible with our finances. This is probably also why I am feeling somewhat down today.

I have an appointment with my C next week, and I will be starting to deal with issues related to my family (parents, siblings, etc.). Also, issues from my first marriage - it was abusive, and I also lost twins at 5 months, that still haunt me today (literally, I have nightmares on occasion - never was able to deal with it at the time, since I was trying to deal with the end of my first M, and my XH was not one of those empathetic, understanding, supportive type of guys). In my last session with C, she suggested I give the babies names, have a ceremony of sorts, to say goodbye to them - there was no funeral, and the bodies were sent to a teaching hospital (only found this out after coming out of hospital - probably XH gave permission, because I was pretty much out of it, having lost a lot of blood, etc). Hopefully, this will give me some sort of closure with that.

I feel I have worked so hard to change to a better me, but stuff keeps surfacing, and I have to face them now - can't keep putting it off anymore. I may never have closure or a reconnection with my family, but I have to deal with the feelings that come from my past negative interactions with them, their lack of support at my lowest points in life (such as when I lost the twins), and low self esteem I developed as a result. This has all, I'm sure, played a huge part in my M, but also is playing a part in my mistrust of H, and anyone else, for that matter. I also have to find a way to stop blaming myself for everything - have been doing that lately, and it's really starting to become a load.

Anyway, just venting here. I am seldom feeling down - usually, I have a pretty upbeat attitude, but today is a day I wish I could just cancel. Ha!

Hope y'all have a good weekend.

[Phoenix_spark]

As much as I can relate to your feelings about your calling and VT and the such, I would stick with it. For me it was pretty key in making sure I had things to keep me busy and mind off the sitch. Also I have seen my W attitude turn around as her spirituallity is rebuilt. As far as the new W, for me it always been a matter of time. Eventually they become accustom to you and you become one of the old timers. Also being involve with the new W will do this faster, otherwise you'll just be someone that hasn't ever clicked with the group.

By the way, wish me happy anniversary. I'll tell you more about that on my thread.

The whole thing about your previous M, wow that's tough. Maybe I'll understand more about that when this all plays out for me. Somehow I don't think I'll get a full grasp on what you experienced. Perhaps that's part of your H problem, he doesn't understand, or could he. Maybe he has tried but it just isn't in his chemistry or background.

Hope things went well for you with school, in some ways I miss those days. My biggest challange these days is trust and understanding. There has been positives, but of course like yourself I'm just trying to find out if it's all show. Well, I guess I just buckle down for the long haul.

[BeingMe]

I guess no-one can fully understand and grasp the experiences, good or bad, or another's life. We all handle different thing differently, however, there are always enough similarities that one can empathize, and apply some to their own sitches. I suppose that is one of the reasons that DBing often works.

For me, my abusive first M, lasted 3 years, and I decided it was time to leave. I doubt I would've stayed even if my XH had started using DBing techniques. I wasn't, unfortunately, just married to him, but to his whole, dysfunctional family. It was bound for failure, and I knew it 6 months into the M. I have heard of women staying in similar M's for far longer, even into old age, but that's just not me.

Anyway, I am just getting it out of my system, so hope I don't bore anyone with the failings of my life. I have, actually, had a very interesting, and fun-filled life, and I have very few regrets, because I seldom allow myself to act the victim, or be a martyr to anything. This whole sitch with my present (and hopefully for-life) H, was a lot to do with his MLC, and my attitude to life not quite being the same as his. Sure, I had fallen into a rut, but I sure woke up fast, and jumped right out and got back into the business of living. I had allowed myself to live my life avoiding the things I fear, and playing it too safe. And, I had never really been that way. I always enjoyed jumping into the deep end, so I must've started looking pretty boring to my H.

Well, as long as we continue to learn from negative experiences, and move on, then our lives are not a failure. IMHO, anyway. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to deal with it, not just learn from it, and I have stuff that I should've dealt with at the time, instead of moving on too quickly. And, stuff from childhood, that I had little control over, or so I thought. I think most of us have issues we need to deal with, but tend to ignore.

Well, my new semester has started, and I have a lot of assignments due this month. Back to ye ol' books!

[Phoenix_spark]

There were a few good things that helped me there. One thing that I have been struggling is trying to decide what is GLA and what is just keeping busy with useless activities. Usually the things I want to do bad enough I do. As I have been married W fears and self conscienceness has put a bit of an anchor on things. Some things she is trying to discover now, were things that she turned down when I offered them. You know it's cool when your friends what to do it, but not when H wants to. I think however that seems to be turning around, we'll see.

[BeingMe]

One thing frustrating me now with regard to my relationship with H, is that he wants me to want/like to do the things he is interested in. I do try and show an interest, but some things leave me bored. I can see how it hurts him, and makes him feel I am disinterested in him, but I can't pretend, can I? On the other hand, he has no problem showing his boredom at stuff that interest me. I always listen to the goings on at his work, and try and understand the ins and outs, and let me say that he has a complicated job - luckily, I am pretty intelligent, enough that I don't ask stupid questions. Ha! When I worked, he was very rarely interested in my day. A pretty one-sided sitch, and I'm not sure how to address this. I don't want this to become a bone of contention between us. I will have to think more on this.

Another thing that has been happening - again - is that he is rather taking me for granted (esp. with regards to ML). Whenever we have a crisis in our M, we manage to work it out, and not long after he starts doing this very same thing. I don't expect romance or deep intimacy everytime we ML, but I also don't want to just be there for sex, and that's it, without some effort being made. I will need to think more on this too.

I had a great session with my C yesterday. Started working on my childhood issues, and she wants me to make a collage of the place where myself as a child can go to be safe, and the things that would be there, and the people who would be there too. I guess I have to start nurturing the child inside of me - the child that reacted to pain with either numbness or anger, and I carried this into my adulthood. I am quite artistic and creative, so I have been thinking about how I could do this, and things I would have. I am thinking secret garden, on an island surrounded by the sea representing the ebb and flow of my emotions, negativities in my life, yadda yadda.

Anyway, just journalling, and unloading my thoughts. Hope y'all are having a good week.

[BeingMe]

I will be visiting my D25 in the USA for most of June (her H is in Iraq, so she needs her mommy for some moral support), and I am really nervous about leaving H. I know this is silly, but there you are - can't help it. I wonder if he will use this time to get together with OW again, after all. But, my D13 will be here, so realistically, I know that it will be difficult for him to do. This will be a test of how much trust I have gained back for my H. I suspect, not very much! Sigh!

On another note ... trying to get 4 assignments done before I leave, so that I won't have to do them while visiting. Quite stressful, but exciting too.

I am learning each day, that being me is okay. I like myself, and don't need to be validated by anyone else. I haven't made any friends here yet, but I am pretty happy being by myself. I have been thinking of things I would like to do with my life, i.e. finish my personal fitness instructor certificate, paint again, take up a new sport, and start writing again. I used to write poetry, but haven't in a long time. I took a creative writing course last year, and enjoyed it very much. So! I will start writing a book when I get back from my long holiday with D25. I have so many ideas and thoughts, and have been writing those down.

And so, I am still excited about my life, and will continue to work on R with my H, without giving up my dreams.

[Arwen]

Hey! I found you! If I didn't have to go get mulch,I'd get a cuppa coffee and read from the start. You've helped me so much,and I want to get to know what's going on with you. Not that I can give any insight,but you never know!

We are two tough cookies,you and I! I feel great today,and I hope you do too. H didn't call last night,so I guess his widdle feewings were hurt after D13 ripped him a new one. Oooh,I hope he can't even sit down!

Check ya' later!

[Phoenix_spark]

Hey BeingMe,

I dropped you an email. As always still following your sitch. Perhaps we can sound off on a few things. Let's see if we can do a group get together if the logistics are right. Let me know.