Question for your days as a WAS... Either before or when you felt jealousy over WAS's moving forward with another person, did you express that jealousy? Or did you tell your LBS that you were happy for them, wanted them to move on etc etc etc.
Thank you all so much for your support. These are trying days and it's such a relief to come here and know there are others who know what it feels like.
Quote: did you express that jealousy? Or did you tell your LBS that you were happy for them, wanted them to move on etc etc etc.
It was a rollercoaster. At first I said I was happy for him and wanted him to be happy - then I freaked out (just a few days later) when I realised what I was going to miss and there was a week I'd rather forget of embarrassing late night calls - then fortunately I stumbled across this web-site (late one night when I'd taken a 10 minute break from drinking wine and calling his mobile). I ordered DR on-line and read everything I could here. (I sweated on the book arriving and it took over 2 weeks to come from the US!!! It was a long 2 weeks!) I backed right off and continued to support his decision. True to the DR philosophy the more supportive I've been of him, the more he has come towards me. As I think I've said before he never mentions OP to me anymore.
It is probably worthwhile noting that in one particular backslide, some months ago he said to me "For goodness sake - you left me - what do you expect me to do, live like a monk?" and I replied "I'm jealous, I don't want OP to have you, I love you."
and he said, tellingly, "You being jealous because you perceive I'm having a happy life doesn't seem like a good enough reason for us to get back together." I couldn't argue with that.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Quote: "You being jealous because you perceive I'm having a happy life doesn't seem like a good enough reason for us to get back together."
From the one who was the LBS this is very accurate and I can give you a look into our side and how we feel. My W seemed to come back the minute I found some happiness and relief from the pain. I resented her for that. She caused me great pain and then created confusion, doubt, and more pain by coming back. Now the LBS is the one feeling like they are responsible for deciding on a marriage and the pressure and guilt is immense.
This may be hard for you to hear but I imagine, like me, that your H may feel like you don't deserve him. You left and broke a trust. Although I imagine you felt like he broke a trust in you which may be in part what compelled you to have to leave. I'm not trying to place blame, just explain how he may view things. He may not be able to trust what you say or do b/c you took something away from him and he will be afraid to come back and to let you do it again.
The new R he is in is probably very easy for him to handle right now. No baggage, no hurt, no fears to deal with right now. It's all new and mostly pain free. That's hard to turn away from and to face the pain again.
I did make the decision to leave my other R and explore the possiblity of us again and it is unbelievably hard. I waiver every day.
Thanks WW2, your right, it is hard for me to hear – but important that I hear it and understand it. I know that it’s going to take a long time for my husband to trust me again … if he ever does. I understand about his new relationship too. I know it’s not perfect, but it would certainly be easier than the last 6 – 12 months of our marriage was.
Journalling
Yesterday was a good DB day. H called early to remind me that he was bringing a couple to see the house. Step sons and I did a quick tidy up (with brother-in-law, who leaves today, hovering helplessly) and H arrived early. He went out to fiddle with the pool pump while I finished shining the kitchen. I decided to leave him to it and took my book out to the other side of the house to sit in the morning sun.
He came and found me and we talked. For the first time since I left we talked to each other about nothing and everything. We talked about our friends, his work, the boys. We laughed and chatted. I had a glimpse of the way we used to be, of the man and woman we were before this all got so out of hand. It was wonderful. It wasn’t long and it wasn’t deep it was very very nice.
We went back inside and the boys came to talk to their dad, and all of a sudden there was the 4 of us talking to each other and laughing and I was reminded of Anna’s post of an evening spent with her H and children and the love that is created and handed around in a room full of people who are connected in a family. I know that H felt it too – he’s not made of stone – and it was good.
I am so grateful for the skills I’ve learned here, because if it weren’t for these skills that brief period of time yesterday would never have happened. I would have completely buggered it. It would have started last week when I was ordered to have my brother-in-law stay with us. I would have ranted and raved that he should stay with one of his sisters or his mother and there would have been ill-feeling, then I would have freaked out when H said he had buyers for the house and I would have cried and carried on that I didn’t want the marriage to end and I didn’t want to sell the house and H would have flown in and flown out yesterday – the drama would have been unbearable.
I know now that if I keep using these skills, regardless of what happens H and I (and the boys) are going to be OK. There isn’t going to be animosity and there isn’t going to be drama. We might even be friends again.
We showed the couple through the house, together, H hung around for a little while after they left and he kissed me as he left. All in all, a very good experience.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Walkingback, that does sound like a good day. Great DBing. That is awesome that you can see that it is changing the way you act/react and with visible results. Well done.
Quote: I know now that if I keep using these skills, regardless of what happens H and I (and the boys) are going to be OK. There isn’t going to be animosity and there isn’t going to be drama. We might even be friends again.
I got chills reading that... it just sounds so positive and full of unconditional love. If that's what you were projecting onto your H today (and it sounds like you were ) then you should be so pleased. He'll be thinking of you tonight!
Now don't be surprised, and try not to be hurt if he pulls back. You probably just challenged his idea that he knows exactly how you'll be in every situation. He'll be a little confused, and resent you for putting him into confusion.
I'm not saying this *will* happen, but if it does... feel good because it's evidence that he's feeling unsettled.
You're doing a wonderful job of identifying sources of tension and making sure that you don't do more of the same!
Feeling sick. H e-mailed me this afternoon to tell me the people have made an offer on the house. It’s lower than he said he’d accept, but he told me in the e-mail he was inclined to accept it. What did I think?
I wrote back that I think he’s the expert (he’s a commercial property valuer) and that I’d accept his advice. I did put a sentence in that it was lower than he said his bottom figure was and wondered why he thought that was OK now.
He wrote back saying it was a start and a benchmark “to work our figures on (he was obviously a bit miffed at me questioning him). I wrote back immediately validating. OK, It’s a very good start. Thanks H. I hope I haven’t blown it by not validating the first time.
I feel sick because this is the first move he’s made in all these months to get anything moving financially and now it’s going so quickly. The comment about “working our figures on” indicates to me that he’s really thinking settlement – and he’s really thinking about it in the short term.
I feel panicked and I’m scared. Is DBing backfiring? It goes against every instinct I have not to tell him I don’t want this.
I was going so well and now it all seems so bleak.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
OK - I can breath again. He has e-mailed me straight back to say something along the lines that 'by the way, this might take a while they have to sell their house even if the man can convince the woman to move'. So it's by no means a done deal - Whew. I think I passed that little test from the universe.
I've just got to keep doing what I'm doing and to trust it because I have every evidence that it's working.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Walking back, that is a tough situation to be in. I cannot imagine to think what it would be like. I think you handled it well, especially emailing him back when he took it the wrong way. These OH must be crazy not to see what great people they are leaving behind
Keep up the good work and just take it as it comes.
I'm following the Last Resort to a T but it's killing me. I am so full of doubt because it feels so wrong.
H called this morning to say that the couple have made a formal offer on the house and he will accept it. He spent 10 minutes telling me about all the taxes that will have to come out and how little will be left - but I didn't comment. I didn't say I word. I wanted to say - don't you think we should test the market, do you really think that is the best price we can get for it, don't sell it I love you and I want you to come home ... but I shut up and said Ok, Ok, OK.
This is a major and fundamental 180 for me. In the past I would have nattered on about alternatives until the cows came home, but I just agreed.
I wonder what he's thikning now? I can't bring myself to believe he is happy about this - but he's going forward. What have I done?
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
) then you should be so pleased. He'll be thinking of you tonight!