I left my husband in November 04. I am the quintessential Walkaway Wife ...
In hindsight I had been depressed for at least a year and let everything get on top of my to the extent that I thought the only thing that would make me happy would be to live alone ... not have any responsibilities, have my own space, live in freedom.
I'm 35 and have lived with my husband and his 2 sons (both in their 20s now) for 10 years. We have been married 8 years next month.
To cut a long story short, I left home, moved in with my sister and her husband for a little while, house-sat for friends and after about 2 months felt that I had it out of my system - but by then my husband had started a new relationship with a woman who has been a friend of the family for years and basically I was too late.
To be fair - H told me that he just 'couldn't' be alone. He said he needed to be in a relationship and that regardless that I was the one he loved, I left him and he had to move on.
As painful as that was - especially the realisation that I'd made the biggest mistake of my life - I decided that I would do my best to prove to him that I loved him and would be open to reconciliation down the track. I was fortunate to stumble on 'solutions based' liturature early on and later this sight which has helped me signficantly and I think I'm in a much better place now than I would have been had I not used DBish techniques basically from February/March 2005.
In the interim I've dated a couple of men/boys, I've moved back into the family home and H has moved in with his new partner. My stepsons live in the family home with me.
Neither H nor I have made any move to separate assets and both our pays are still deposited into a joint bank account. Just today we went to the accountant together to do this year's taxes and neither of us mentioned to the accountant that we were separated. We occassionally speak about selling the house, but never seem to get further than talking about it.
Today H mentioned that we'd have to get the boys to clean their rooms if we put the house on the market and I said - "Mmm, might just be easier to get back together" and he just said "Yes".
You see the thing is that I'm following the DB rules (with a couple of unfortunate, although notable exceptions) but it's taking such a long time. He has never said a nice thing to me about his new partner. He says things like "it's boring living with her" but nothing not-nice either - so I have no idea how compatible their relationship is (although I do know her and before all this happened I used to refer to her as 'possibly-the-most-boring-woman-on-earth' or 'the personality').
He never misses an opportunity to spend time with me, although he rarely seeks me out unless it's something to do with finances/the house/the kids/etc. Last week he had been at the house and when he left he gave me an intimate kiss which was beautiful - but he still left and went home to his partner?
I'm so bl@@dy confused and so, so sad (although I admit it is getting easier by the month). Patience, patience, patience, I know, but how much? I just want to wade in and demand we put an end to this silliness and he just come home - but I know there is a huge chance that will backfire. Goodness help me.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Much of what I've read here has firmed up for me the importance of rebuilding the friendship that I have with my husband. To be honest though I find that really difficult when he lives with another woman.
I think I've detatched to the extent that I no longer want to maim her, graffiti her house or take out a full page add in a national newspaper about what a husband stealer she is - but I'm still jealous.
I rarely mention her when I'm speaking with my H and he never does any more, but she's always there, like a phantom.
How to be friends? How to reconnect in a way that can rebuild a relationship. After all I think that's what happened in the first place - we kind of grew apart and neither of us knew what to do about it.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Sorry you are here - but welcome! You are in a good place to receive advice, bounce ideas around and receive genuine support. Your sitch is similar to several others on here, although I can not think of their names right now. I am assuming you have read Divorce Remedy (DR)? If not, go read it. Also try the 5 Love Languages and His Needs/Her Needs. Sounds like you have a fairly good R with your H, just that he went and got someone soon after you left. Do not think about the OW, or discuss her. You give her power when you do that. Power that she does not deserve, and this also focuses your energy where it should not be. Remember, the OW is not the source of your problems - she is just a sypmtom of them. Continue to DB and notice the baby steps - and there are some. Don't get too high with the highs, or too low with the lows. Get on your knees and pray for healing in your M. Most of all, work on yourself. What can you improve about yourself? Are you going to counseling? Are you getting a life (GAL)? What are your goals?
Bryan
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Thank you lbhofwaw for your kind words and support. I have read DR and 5 Love Languages - I'll read His Needs/Her Needs as soon as I can get my hands on it. That's a very good point about giving OW power that I can better use myself!!
I'm GAL this weekend and going on a 'girls trip away'. 9 women, a cottage in the highlands, games, great food and wine. I'm kind of looking forward to it. One of the difficulties I have is that my girlfriends just don't get the fact that I would even consider reconciling. They are meaner about H and OW than I have ever been. I think they also think I should be well and truely over it by now and moving on without ever looking back. I don't really talk to them about it, but a full weekend of girly introspection is sure to bring up the topic. I guess I'll just keep my own counsel.
Goals? Good point - I need to work on some.
Yesterday we were talking about a friend of ours who recently left his wife, but who is considering reconciling with her. I asked if anyone knew what the wife thought about that? H said he didn't ask our friend - but she probably didn't want him (sounding glum). I said she probably did. It was weird, but there did seem to be some double meaning in the conversation for both of us - but I know, I know - don't assume, don't assume.
Also - H said his brother is coming out from the UK at the end of this month for a couple of weeks and would probably need somewhere to stay - would i mind if he stayed at our house. I just immediately agreed, as is my habit, but now I'm wondering if I'm being a doormat? I mean his family are all in this city, sure, I/we have the biggest house, but I live in it, not my husband. The rest of his family have been less than supportive througout this ordeal - and yet he's suggesting his brother stay with me. It's weird.
The psychology of all of this sometimes gets so confusing.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Walkingback, one good piece of advice that I have read here is that we are not trying to chase our spouses or degrade the other person, we instead want to be more attractive than the other person. It truly sounds like you are doing well and have a very good chance. Patience is the key word.
Quote: ... chase our spouses or degrade the other person, we instead want to be more attractive than the other person.
Sound advice that I'm learning day by day. I know it's not about the OP. It's about me. I threw my marriage away because I didn't know what else to do. Since I've been working on me - it has been a lot easier to see his new relationship for what it is - a place he went to feel safe when I pulled the world out from under our feet. I have been very selfish. I am working on forgiving myself for that and hopefully never being that selfish woman again. Cheers
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Walkingback - Welcome! You seem to have a good handle of DBing. Good for you. Just understand that as it took time for you to realize you made a mistake it will take time for him to realize he's made a mistake too. But also he's most likely taking this time to be sure that your changes are real, that you really want to be there. Also, as much as I hate to say it, it also may be a little bit of pay back too. Be patient and keep looking for those baby steps. That kiss from the other day sounds like it was wonderful!
Quote: Can you give us more detail about what you thought was wrong in your M? Growing apart is very vauge.
That's what my husband said. OK. This is hard, but I'll give it a shot.
We both have reasonably hectic jobs. I travel quite a bit with my job and my husband works quite long hours. We both also like to work half a day at the weekend to get organised for the week. It hadn't always been like that. When we were first together we worked hard all week, but we dedicated all weekend to each other. I was thinking the other day one of the symptoms was airports ... When I worked away he always took me to the airport and picked me up. In the last couple of years or so I'd fallen in to just getting taxis so as not to put him out - or rather because I was often so busy/disorganised that I wouldn't know what flight I was even on until I dug out the briefing my staff had put together half an hour before the flight and it was easier to just deal with it rather than make a call to tell him what time I needed to be there or be picked up.
As our careers got busier the last thing we wanted to do at night was to talk about them. By the time I got home at 6 or 7 and he got in at 7.30 or 8pm we were buggered. I'd have a couple of glasses of wine making dinner, he would have had a couple of beers with colleagues on the way home, we'd eat, watch telly, go to bed (usually separately).
He likes to play golf and go fishing, I used to enjoy doing that with him, but I stopped. I chose instead to work in the garden or at work.
We cohabited and we got on fine - but we hadn't been 'sharing' our life. We drifted along in paralle lives. Even to the point that when we were really busy and had family obligations I'd go to my family stuff and he'd go to his - we weren't even doing that together.
He thought everything was fine. He was playing golf, fishing, hanging out with his friends, sleeping companionably next to his wife every night. When we did spend time together it was nice, friendly - but there was no passion. I wanted passion. But I ran out of puff and made in hindsight the very odd decision that I'd be better off ending this passionless existance and seeing if I could find it elsewhere. I didn't realise how much easier it would have been just to do my part to reignite it with my husband.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Even though you are currently apart, can you stiil call him and ask for a ride to the airport for your next trip?
Can you go golfing with him?
What I am saying is, you have IDd the issues, and you even now know the sollutions. Don't push it too hard, but maybe you can ease back into what you guys did previously.
