So now I get another call from her, asking business advice? Should she cut back her asst's hours to help pay our bills? Then what happens when business picks up? She needs help at closing and opening but can handle the middle of the day, should she split her asst's hours? By the way, she claims that her asst is her current best friend in the world, and she's trying to help her GAL, and condemns her choices in men, and lectures on how she should think of her family first. How can she be so clear headed on somebody elses life?
I've been DB'ing for exactly two weeks now, and I at least feel a whole lot better than I did before. My W and I chat briefly on a daily basis, she even attended a family function w/ me over the weekend. Our interactions have been perfunctory, although both of us are quick to point out to the other better ways we could have phrased a statement or made a request. And we have both validated each other's attempts to improve. She seems slightly more at ease in my presence now that the OM potential is on the table. Don't know when she particularly will act on it. I suppose I can keep wishing that she comes to her senses. After the conversation we had the other evening and doing some follow up reading of DR, I feel like I should move to MLC forum. I've been surprising myself lately at how much I'm willing to tolerate, but I can't help but feel that I've just given her permission to do some real extensive damage to the marriage, as opposed to trying to stop her before she heads down a dark road. But again, I remain remarkably calm when I consider the possibilities. I did join a gym and have a program set up for me. I was planning on going before and after work, but she called me all concerned that it was ridiculous for me to follow such a program considering my recent level of inactivity and my family's history of heart disease. She said, if I go through with this and have a heart attack, she'll kill me. Rather than reply with my first instinct, "you just don't want me working out because you'll have to watch our S6 more often which leaves you no time for "fun and games", I sincerely thanked her for her concern, and said I hadn't really considered the negative consequences, that I was just highly motivated and wanted to take advantage of the mood. She was very appreciative that I listened to her. So, am I making baby steps, or reading way too much into it?
Quote: I sincerely thanked her for her concern, and said I hadn't really considered the negative consequences, that I was just highly motivated and wanted to take advantage of the mood. She was very appreciative that I listened to her. So, am I making baby steps, or reading way too much into it?
Perfect response. You are taking baby steps and you are not stumbling. Well done.
Now your challenge is to really stick to your plan. You decide when you work out and how much you work out because this is about you. The added benefit of working out is that it helps you feel better emotionally. There is nothing better for working through any emotional pain than sweating. I don't think I would have got through this past 9 months without working out just about every day. It's fantastic for you and you'll be surprised by how quickly your level of fitness increases. Great work.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks WB... I actually had to postpone my day 2 of gym time this morning because I had my son last night, and my W was supposed to come over at 5:15 am so I could go before work, but when she called to say goodnight to our S, she complained of being very sick, and asked if I wouldn't mind switching times to after work. I agreed, and she was extremely apologetic, and she apologized again this morning when she showed up. I'm conflicted having to see her everyday to do the handoff, because I still get butterflies when I do, excitement, not dread, but I want to really give the impression that I'm detacheding. I wish there was an easier way to do this, but then again I wish there was an easier way to lose 20 more lbs. and get in shape. Boy, do I hurt today....but it's a good hurt!
My W discovered that her student loan that we've been paying on is a ridiculously bad deal, and she wants to look at a Home Equity loan to consolidate them along with some of our other higher interest debt... Considering our current situation, how do I approach this? Granted it makes sense to reduce interest payments on all of our debt, but she is actually searching for a way for us to put our names on a document that links us financially for at least 10 years. What's up with that?
We're actually working as a team to make this loan thing work. She gave me an assignment that in the past I would have dragged my feet on in order to wait out a better deal. But I got right on it, and came up with many favorable solutions. She sounded genuinely impressed that i'm taking this as seriously as her. She asked me to take S6 tonight, and I just said "no problem", didn't ask what her plans were, where she was going or anything. Just reiterated that she has to come by early in the A.M. so I can hit the gym. She said, "oh, yeah, I know" She also confided that a dog rescue group that she was actively a member of, is currently making her angry and she's considering quitting. Funny thing, the POM, happens to be the co-chair of the group. Is the gild off the lily already??? Probably not, but I can dream, can't I.
Regarding the OP/OM ordeal...I have read lots of things on this...the way I see it...there is also some attraction your mate has having a "secret" from you...that also drives your mate to the other person...I believe strongly that taking the wind out of that sail real quick sucks some of the fun out of it for the cheating spouse. Either way you will go down cheeseless tunnesl regarding 'who they are & what they are like' but at least you have taken the "mystery" from your mate...it is bad enough they are out their with OP let alone it being a big mystery @ their control. I confronted my H immediately...and paid attention to his actions after that...so I know by his actions what is going on...I know my H hates the fact that I know...and he hates even more that he knows I know...and that I can even tell by his actions when he has talked with her...takes all the fun out of it...like he is a teenager sneaking out on his parents...
And now...when he acts out...I just shake it off....and smile...which really gets his goat...if he thinks he will sneak off...and me cry again...won't happen...now I have changed the tables a bit....and he doesn't know what I am doing. Last night he even had a nightmare (must have been me gone) because he grabbed me and held me tight for a long time...said he was scared.
Not sure what I said made sense...but the way I see it...my H has too much of the upper hand right now...so I am trying to gain a small portion back...just enough to pull at his heart strings...and enough that maybe the OW isn't quite as fun to run to... Not sure this will work for you...as my marriage is by no means on the road to recovery (we are still on the fence until H rides out MLC & chooses who he wants)...so not sure I am one to advise...but think about it...never know.
Well, I haven't really checked out this forum before, which is kinda funny since my H has said pretty much since the start that a big part of him leaving has to do with wanting to see other people (although insisting that it hasn't happened yet). I guess I didn't consider it a bona fide case of infidelity - but, the signs are all there.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I read through your thread and you've certainly been through more than most. You obviously have great inner strength to deal with everything you have and still be so positive and loving. You are amazing! You certainly seem to be doing the right things and I am so hopeful that things will improve for you.
Something that really caught my attention about your sitch is that it really does seem to be a sress-induced MLC. I am so sure that many of our WASs are actually going through a sort of nervous breakdown. We had huge pressure on all fronts as well, and I feel like my H just kinda "snapped". That's how his family views it too and luckily they've been very supportive of me. But my point is, that it would be very interesting to look at the various WASs and try to understand what coping skills they seem to be missing - I think that may be a very important common thread.
Keep up the great work - it seems like you have some wise DBers over here supporting you.
I would have to agree that the MLC'ers have had some kind of nervous breakdown...because it hits so hard so fast...at least my husband it was almost overnight...and being the person I am...I noticed it right away...guess since my first marriage I never noticed anything...this one I notice everything...kids included...I am just one for detail now. My H did a complete flip and has been stuck there ever since..ever 2nd day he gives me a sign of hope...then back to it again...last night I asked him why, if he hates me and wants a divorce, why can't I date...threw him for a loop...he said because we were married...(blah blah blah)...so I just went to sleep...he was breathing real heavy...in the middle of the night he had a nightmare...and held me real tight for 10 whole minutes...amazing...tonight he said he had changed this weekend plans...however, as I said...every 2nd day is another different day...tonight he is off with OW again...so whatever...this is a mean evil cycle...and MLC'ers tend to make their spouse go thro' their own mid life even if they aren't there yet...UGH...so I keep trying to think he has done me a favor for making me stronger...and giving me a game plan for ME...which he knows nothing of...and technically...I don't either...is a day to day plan...LOL... I am trying to keep my head up...but spouses of MLC'ers go thro' many emotions...and if you look...I have had ups and downs to....one must remember to take everything in small chunks...and find something (even tho' tiny) hopeful...be it something to do with your M, R, H, or just YOU....that is what I have learnt...and sometimes I hinder and fall...but I stand up again...you must remember that...everything from here on in is in 'baby steps' like it or not...I know I don't like it at all...so focus on what I do like...>ME!
Thanks for the input Bink and Gibeon, I've actually moved out of this forum and over to MLC new MLC thread here
But I've been having some positive interaction with my W, although she had a major MLC meltdown the other day. She had since apologized, admitting that there is something drastically wrong with her, she suspects chemically. However, when I saw her last night after work she was as normal as could be. She even invited me to join her and her coworker for a glass of wine. We sat and laughed and joked about some of the good old days. It was the way things used to be. I know her coworker is in my corner, we had a talk before I began DB'ing and she told me to hang in there, even though I thought things were at their lowest. She had told me that she can't believe that my W had anything to complain about in our R because my W was always telling how strong our M was and that was how she knew we would survive our son's death. She was equally baffled as to the separation, but she is trying to be supportive as a friend, so I haven't talked to her since because I don't want to put her in the middle. I know my wife needs somebody she can trust and confide in, and if it can't be me, I'd prefer it be somebody that at least likes me. But, it was good to laugh with her again. She didn't seem the least bit tense in my presence. However, this morning when I was taking our son for his first day of school, I commented about how I liked her pony tail and that was always one of my favorite looks for her, and her reply was "will you stop doing that already!" She told me the other day she was having a hard time with me being so nice to her all of the time. I'm sure it's making her feel guilty because she feels no compulsion to return the compliment. I expressed some concern about this in my other thread as to whether I should stop or continue. Am I violating one of her "boundaries", or is she testing my fortitude and stamina to keep changes going?
