Hi all, I've decided to start a new thread for our sitch based on the place we are and talking about our control issues was hi-jacking rotzilla's thread . Here's our sitch. Me: 38 H: 40 S(19), D(11), S(5), S(2) H moved out at my request in March due to his out of control spending and lying. I asked him to leave not knowing what a horrible idea that was. He had a one-night-stand with a co-worker much younger and it developed into a "friendship". I begged and pleaded until he moved back in, but he refused to give up his friendship with her. They still say that it was just a friendship and the night was a drunken, lonely mistake. But still, he was talking to her behind my back and lying about it. He called her all the time, and it really looked like they had a romantic relationship going on. They didn't see each other outside of work, but at work, they acted like a couple of teenagers. Finally, when he hit bottom with depression, they broke off their R (but still work together), and he moved back home to work things out. We're dealing with trust issues, my insecurity, his guilt, his feeling that I try to control him, my feeling that he won't take responsibility for anything, and I've caught him in an occasional lie that makes me think things will never change. He says he lies to protect me, or because it's an old habit he's trying to break. I'm dealing with him saying ILYBINILWY, and him walking out twice because he wouldnt break off the friendship. He says it was an excuse to run from our problems. I accept that most of the time, but the memories of that day still haunt me. It's getting better. He is being treated for depression and I've seen HUGE changes in him. He's loving, supportive and understanding. We communicate better than we ever have. My need to control so that I won't be hurt again, his reluctance to ever cause a ripple or hurt my feelings, and the fact that I'm having a hard time finding my feelings for him again are issues also. I've put a wall up in my heart, and it's coming down slowly. I feel like our happy marriage has been stolen and I just want to feel secure and loved again. I know I need to choose to forgive and to trust. I'm working on that. The images of him and OW are not going through my mind as much, but ML is just not the same. It's much better physically and in frequency, but the intimacy is fleeting. I give H credit, no matter how angry I've been, what I've said, how much I've cried or threatened to end this for good, he's been patient, kind and loving to me. We are seeing a Christian MC, and it's helping.
JOURNALING:
Yesterday was a good day after a couple of rough weeks for us. I didn't think H was putting forth an honest effort to do things that will help us move forward. He needs to find another job. I hate it that he still works with her. He looked half-heartedly (my opinion) for three months, and I've been angry about that. Many angry outbursts on my part unfortunately. I'm gonna send him into his shell with that if I don't stop. He also has some financial obligations hanging around from when he was spending furiously. He was laid off last year and instead of saving, he blew a lot of money and put us in a bad place. Me, I took control and I think that made him feel even less like a man But after counseling last monday and discussing how important it is for him to be doing the right things instead of just saying them, he's gotten right on the list of things that need to be done. He's still not helping me with the finances like he's promised, but we did sit down last night and plan the next two months budget together. He said he needs to learn to do some of the stuff and asked me to be patient. All I want to see is the effort!
I brought him to this board and showed him some of the threads. He read Rotzilla's and Rotzuki's and we both can see how control issues play out between two people who only want the best. That's us for sure! Positive: I didnt take control of the computer when he was typing in the budget or tell him how to do things "my way". The MC said that he needs to apologize to the the woman he slept with for sinning with her. He was uncomfortable with that, and I thought just doing it for closure for me. We talked about it and I told him that it's OK to do what's comfortable for HIM and not for me. That I wouldnt pressure him to get that closure and that I'd be OK. He said that he needs closure too and still wants to apologize if she's willing, and he said he wouldnt do it without me there. Major progress. Alleviates my fear that he's just trying to open that friendship door. I wrote her a letter last night (we've talked before), and it basically says that I don't carry bad feelings around for her, and want her to move on to a good life. If you knew the history with her, you'd know that it's appropriate. At one point she told us that she wanted to be friends with both of us. Screwed up, but she sounds like just a young woman who's searching for something. I don't want this situation to end badly for her either. I shared in my letter how much God loves her and can provide all she needs to be happy. It was a positive thing for me, and I hope she'll feel better after reading it. My H isnt the only person at their work that she has messed around with, and she's going down a path that I've been down myself. Forgiving them is bringing me peace, and I've realized that trusting H again is a decision I need to make. I'm trying to approach this with a PMA, looking toward the future, praising the efforts he's making instead of looking for proof that he doesn't love me all the time. Replace the negative with the positive. I did so good yesterday with not reacting to things that didn't go my way, and not telling him what to do. And guess what guys? When I look for the positive, I see it. He really is trying!! He made me and D11 salads last night, he picked up the house yesterday and did some laundry. Took S5 to the library. He went to see his grandmother and left her a note that he'd come back next week when she wasnt home. He got our DSL installed. Initiated ML last night. We're going places! We talked calmly about respecting each other and taking care of each other's needs. And, I told him how important it is that he point out when I'm being controlling because I don't want to be that way. I need his help.
That's it for now. It's a rocky road we're on. I love him more than anyone and I know in my heart that he feels the same. He pours out his love for me every day, but it's hard for me to trust that. After he said ILYBINILWY I just think about all the times he's said that and didn't really mean that. I'm afraid of being manipulated, that I'm his second choice, and that things will go back to the way we were. I know his depression is a lot of the problem and that losing his job, and our S19 moving off to college started him going downhill, but I had no clue. It's scary to learn that your S is so unhappy and you never knew, and they didnt ask for help. I was SO happy and would have done anything to keep from ending up here.
Thought I would come back and post more history on our sitch and put some goals down for myself. We've been together 18 years. Got off to a rocky start and had good years and bad. H has lied to me throughout our M, mostly about financial things. When we first married, he couldn't shake an old GF of his and started hiding letters from her. I know now that he wasn't trying to have a R with her, but hid her letters so I wouldnt be hurt. When I found them, it started a cycle of jealousy and distrust for me. I was a miserable newlywed. He's a good looking guy and women gravitate toward him. He's a good listener and is sweet. I've seen his women friends flirt with him and him pretend not to notice. I think this comes from him being overweight and always being a friend to girls, but not the boyfriend. When he joined the Army and lost weight, he didn't realize how attractive he is and that he is now definately not just the friend anymore! He has a hard time not listening when they want to share their problems and intimate details with him because that's the way it was when he was younger... with not much chance of an R. Anyway, I ended up having a one night stand when I went out with one of my GFs on a trip to see my family. It hurt him pretty bad, because he was faithful to me. he didnt see how the start of our marriage helped me to feel insecure and like he wasn't completely mine. I felt awful, and he basically just let it go.. hid his feeling and we moved on. In our 7th year of M, he had an affair with a co-worker. Just a sex thing he says. he felt bad about himself, and she offered. They were off and on for 9 months, but it wasn't an emotional thing. It ended with her calling me.. a mess! He never offered to leave for her and we worked to make our M better, again. We didn't talk much about it. I just lived with the feelings I had.. it took a toll on our sex life. I couldnt relax and he felt guilty. I felt undesirable and all I could see was them together in my mind for years. We grew apart.. I grew bitter.. he grew angry. I started partying after work with friends.. looking for "something". Finally, when he wouldn't stop lying when I was pregnant with our third child, I asked him to leave. I was just tired of the mind games and pain. I had cheated on him again, blaming it on revenge and that I felt unloved and undesirable. We divorced in Dec of 2000 after a year apart. I moved on and started dating (not the guy I cheated with, I didnt leave H to go to another R). He, without knowing it, started to DB. He did everything right. He was kind and my friend. He let me know that he loved me. He was always just what I needed and didn't mention the other man, or argue with me about anything. He got his act together and paid his bills, supported himself. I saw in him the man I married and wanted to be with. We eventually reconciled, but didn't re-marry. We agree to put the past behind us and forgive. That was 4 and a half years ago. After that, we had the most awesome, loving relationship. We rarely argued at all. Finally, I felt loved and secure. We planned our future together with no doubts. We found God and got active in our church. Until last July. He lost his job and didn't tell me. It was the friday before we were leaving before vacation and he hid that from me. I came home to a mess. H with no job, a big lie between us. S(19) moving off to college. I used to say we were doing good, but still not communicating. I feared that we would hit a bump in the road and it all would fall apart. Well, it happened this spring. I've found out that he didn't really forgive me for divorcing him and moving on with my life. My R with the other man hurt him deeply... I was blind to that. He said he sat in his apt and waited and prayed that I would come to my senses. He buried his hurt so that we could move on. He knows where I am now with this. It's hard to imagine two people who love each other so much hurting each other in the ways we have over the years. We've each been living for ourself and we've finally admitted that. Surprisingly, our kids have been sheltered a lot from the dirty details. Thank God! We've got a chance now to build our R on a solid foundation. I see major changes in my H and he says he sees changes in me. I guess the thing that kills me is that I thought we had a new start on a solid foundation before. I've been faithful and the best mate I could be since we got back together. I didn't know I would end up paying for the divorce like this... that we still had issues hanging around. That he could EVER be with someone else after all we've been through and how close we were. He says most of this is from his depression.. that he couldnt feel anything for anyone.
Anyway, that's the ugly history. All the stuff that happened before the divorce seems so far away, like we've lived two lives together. This may be life number three for us. Our friends think we're the perfect couple and say when we're together, no one else exists. That we act like newlyweds. And still I wonder how we could be so selfish and hurt each other the way we have. We feel lost without each other, we want the same things and love our kids. We have a big communication problem I know.. it's getting better. And we both are big softies.. we can't stay mad for long and don't fight much. This right now is the most we've ever argued. And still, we usually end the arguments with an understanding that we love each other. We have some habits to change!
My goals:
To do my bible study daily and pray. To go to the gym regularly and stay in shape. To look for the positives. Stop criticizing and communicate how I feel instead Use the "I" statements instead of the "you" Patience, patience, patience Accept that we love each other and are both committed to making this work. Get to a place where I can re-marry H (he's asked) Forgive, and trust, leave the rest up to God Find a hobby that I enjoy and pursue it Don't get mad at H when he doesn't plan something for our day off together (we have every other Thurs). Ask him what he'd like to do, help him to plan, and trust that he will make that a priority (it's always my "job") Don't get upset when he plans to play golf with his friends (big issue. I think H makes this a priority, but doesn't make planning for us a priority)
He has a friend at work that I associate with OW. They all work together. I want H to introduce me to this guy so that I'll feel better about him. Last week he lied and hung out after work with him even though he knew it would set up doubt in my mind about where he was and what he was doing. Im going to be patient while H works this out, and not say snotty things when he talks to him on the phone. They guy only calls on his cell like it's hush hush and secret, and won't call our house. I do know it's a guy and not OW because I've talked to him a couple of times. H has promised that he'll find a way to introduce me and says that I'll see what a nice guy he is and feel better. I feel like I don't exist for him when he's at work.. like that's his secret life. He's been calling me every day to help those feelings, and it's helping. I'm trying really really hard to not snoop and look at his cell, caller ID or our phone records. It just makes me doubt because I don't know who's calling him anyway, I can only see the outgoing calls. And if its his friend XX, mind wanders to maybe he's using him as a go-between between him and OW, or something like that. I'm also not going to read his email or check up on him that way. If I choose to trust, well, I need to act like I trust. If I get into the habit of acting in a trusting way, won't it be easier?
Thats about it. He called awhile ago and sounded happy. I know he can tell I'm feeling much better about us. Sometimes though, if I'm in a good place, I think H thinks we can sweep this all under the rug and relax. He then seems surprised if I backslide and have a bad day. I'm trying not to do that, but I don't want the issues to get buried either. I need to learn how to bring up my feelings without making him feel like I'm making him "pay" in some way. I did this the other night successfully and he was so caring with me and held me while I cried. I could sense his frustration. So, maybe the next time I'll just come here and vent my negative feelings, and then just deal with the real issues the correct way with him. I just get so frustrated and want to run away when we have a rough day.
H is at work. I'm gonna get some cleaning done and play with the kids. It's rainy here. I'm hoping he'll cuddle and watch a movie with me tonight. I'm not going to bring up R talk at all and concentrate on what's positive about our R right now. Surely I can do that for ONE day!
To do my bible study daily and pray. To go to the gym regularly and stay in shape. To look for the positives. Stop criticizing and communicate how I feel instead Use the "I" statements instead of the "you" Patience, patience, patience Accept that we love each other and are both committed to making this work. Get to a place where I can re-marry H (he's asked) Forgive, and trust, leave the rest up to God Find a hobby that I enjoy and pursue it Don't get mad at H when he doesn't plan something for our day off together (we have every other Thurs). Ask him what he'd like to do, help him to plan, and trust that he will make that a priority (it's always my "job") Don't get upset when he plans to play golf with his friends (big issue. I think H makes this a priority, but doesn't make planning for us a priority)
Just re-looking my goals. I have done pretty good on all of them, but things are getting "weird" with H. He has been in a touchy mood the last week. He forgot his meds on Friday, so that was part of it, but he seems determined to drag me into an argument. I'm not sure why. The arguments don't even get us anywhere, so I'm refusing to argue with him. I've been upbeat and pleasant for the most part and it's making him uncomfortable. Maybe because I stay quiet rather than say something sarcastic or hateful. He is constantly asking for reassurance from me, and asking if I'm OK. Is it possible that he sees my anger and control as a sign that I care for him? When I take those things out of our R, he seems to get insecure and moody. I'm feeling much better and more grounded. I'm refusing to react to his little dramas, his lies, his mess-ups and am being supportive, but not taking over like I used to. I have taken so much responsibility for his life, it's time for him to deal with his problems without my ever present advice and help. I feel like a burden has been lifted. If he wants to hang out with the young kids at work, so be it. If he wants to distance himself from me by lying and hiding stuff, then he can do that and figure it out. I'm detaching from his depression and the constant emotions he tries to create in our household. At least for a little while, my life is going to be about me, me being happy and my kids in spite of what he is doing or saying to keep things in turmoil.
Counseling was a bust last night. He told the MC that I don't give him credit for anything or give him a chance to take care of his responsibilities. Not true.. I think I've been patient, but if I need to keep my mouth shut and be patient more, I will. He has a bad check that he wrote while we were separated back in April. He was supposed to pick it up two weeks ago and didnt. It's not on my account, so I think I'll let the subject drop and see what happens. I've been so worried that he'll go to jail, but I'm not going to worry about the consequences of his actions anymore.
Kind of a downer post.. I'm feeling less than hopeful about our future together right now. I'm just backing way way off and am going to refuse to let him drag me into his problems. Maybe he'll realize what he'd doing and learn to have some self control!
. Here's our sitch.
But after counseling last monday and discussing how important it is for him to be doing the right things instead of just saying them, he's gotten right on the list of things that need to be done. He's still not helping me with the finances like he's promised, but we did sit down last night and plan the next two months budget together. He said he needs to learn to do some of the stuff and asked me to be patient. All I want to see is the effort! 
