I'm familiar with the thoughts. They can suck the life right out of you. That's the last thing you want to happen when reconciling.
So debra, she's attractive. That could be what got his attention in the first place. But, look where his is today, Debra. I am assuming that it was his choice to come back. As corny as this sounds, it's whats inside that counts. You debra, are fulfilling the majority of his emotinal needs, if not all.
He married you debra, he fell in love with you. Why? What do you think it was that made him fall in love with you. It wasn't your looks. He was attracted to you, but that is not the reason he fell in love and married you. You have something very special, something the ow doesn't have.
No one stays beautiful forever. It's what's inside that counts.
thanks everyone for the uplifting thoughts. I know in my heart that I am a better person that OW is and that I love my H more than she ever could. My H is not doing much in the reassurance dept right now. He is in C but is trying to find the loving feeling he once had for me. When he first left he said he didnt think he ever loved me. Since he has realized he must have and is trying to find it again. He has not told me he loves me since he came back and we have only been intimate once which was pretty devastating for him because in his words, with her it was so natural and easy and with me it is not. The feelings just are not there. He has shown small signs like holding my hand and kisses good by and being attentive, so I am trying hard to be patient. I have lost 49 pounds in the last 3 months (he has been home for 2) and I am doing it for me finally. I am excercising and taking much better care of myself than I ever did. He is trying to transfer to an other Post office so he will be away from her. I dont know if it is so much to relieve my mind, or so that he does not have to see her everyday and be reminded of what he could have had (physically at least). I honestly dont know if he will ever be able to say he loves me and I dont want to live without that. My life has turned into a soap opera.
Hi Debra, Don't question WHY he is trying to transfer.....be thankful he IS trying to transfer......it'll be that much easier to mend your marriage that way.... You'll do fine, don't let your mind think of her, she isn't worth it!!!
Sorry to hear of your troubles, hope these two ideas help.
1. Try meditating. I'be been reading the book "The Three Minute Meditator" by David Harp, and have found it to be very helpfull. I've also been having problems w/ mental images, and this book deals directly w/ that problem. I've also found myself sleeping much better as a result of my meditating, and that in itself has helped me keep a positive attitude.
2. And this is the tough one, try to feel sorry for her. I know it sounds foolish, but....... There's something special enough about your husband that you want to work to keep your marriage. Now imagine that you've found this special person (even if under non-traditional circumstances) only to have him leave you (even if it's to return to his wife). You've got him back, and she's out in the cold with out him. These thoughts help me make the good times better between my wife and I, but haven't helped much when I slip back into the doubting and questioning moods.
As for you worrying about how she looks or comparing yourself, don't do it. Despite rumors, men do not only fixate on the physical. While my wife was in the midst of her A, I thought it was the physical contact w/ her that I missed so much. While it's true that I did miss that, I've found it's the intamacy (non physical) and closeness that I've been the happiest to get back, if only in small doses. The attraction I have for my wife is because of who she is, not how she looks. Keep working to make yourself happy about yourself, this will build your self confidence and that is more attractive than a "perfect" body by far!
Hope some of this helps. And please post if you find any other ideas that help you, I think these are problems we all deal w/ at some point or another.
I agree with the others here. Don't do this to yourself, although I know it's easier said than done. I, too, have done it. I have no idea what the woman (women, as I have reason to suspect it might have been a three-some) looked like. I have asked him, but he can't even remember as he was too drunk. He said he can't honestly remember even what color hair she (they?) had. Mine was also not an affair but a one-night thing. (Most of it due to his alcohol issues, but that's a whole other can of worms.) I am a very attractive woman. I keep in shape, have always had a great body, beautiful face. I'm smart, funny, kind-hearted. Plenty of men would be happy as hell to be with me. My point is that it doesn't really matter. Men are far less discriminatory when it comes to women than visa versa. Would you feel any worse if she was ugly as all get out? And what someone above said is true. Looks aren't everything. I would be willing to bet that she's not even half the person you are. No...I know she's not. Why? Because she had the moral fibers to be able to have an affair with someone else's husband. That tells you right there what she's like. She's a puke, just keep remembering that.
debra, i am sorry you saw the ex ow and it is causing you such pain. but your h is home and trying to get it right. someone mentioned trying to feel bad for her. i used to want to strangle the ex ow. but since she called me and my h acting scary and desperate, i think she is pathetic. i still can't figure out why these ow think that things will be different for them. my h never promised anything to ow. and she acted like she was the married one and i was the ow when h started telling her he wanted out of that relationship. does your h's ex ow respect that it is over? does she try to have contact with h? my h has told me as have several friends that the ow is short, thick, and plain. i am very attractive, so i feel bad that she isn't pretty! like she offered him something else obviously. if she was attractive like your h's ex ow, i could feel better by saying it was just physical. lisa
I have thought a lot about this OW that my H had an A with. Seeing her picture helped my self esteem in one way (she wasn't young,pretty or slim). The A hurt my self esteem. I don't understand why women screw around with married men. If a man say "I am married,but....." A woman shouldn't wait to hear what is coming after that "but"- if she is smart she will run the other way. I feel that a woman who screws around with a married man deserves no sympathy when she gets hurt. I think she is just asking for it. Are they so desperate for a man or so desperate for "love" that they just don't care if a man is married or not? Or do they just like the thrill of "getting" some other woman's man? Which ever it is I don't feel sorry for them at all. I know my H "picked" her up at a club but he told her right from the beginning he was married but he told his a sad tale about how unhappy he was (and I am really not sure what other bulls**t he handed her). She evidently believed every word out of his mouth. Then after he met her and in April of 2000 he didn't see her again until he started the PA with her in Nov. 2000 (she lives in another state). She emailed him and called him at work from April until Nov. Told him she enjoyed talking with him and dancing with him and how much fun he was. She really "stroked" his ego. So I believe that even though he started it by "picking" her up in the club,she "chased" him. I have a lot of anger toward her. The anger at my H was brief -I was more hurt by his actions. Guess I transferred the anger from him to her. Anyway, I just can't find it in my heart to have any sympathy at all for the XOW. She got hurt...too bad...I got hurt a zillion times worse!! She asked for it,I didn't. If your H drops the OW you should feel confident that he didn't love her. Men "use" OW to escape their problems.They think that another woman can give him what he feels like he isn't getting from his W. Yes,sometimes they "think" they love them. And somtimes they leave their W for the OW only to discover later that they didn't really love her and wnat the W back. I know that had my H loved this woman or even had any feelings for her,he would have left me for her. If your H is home with you and trying to fix the problems and trying to make it up to you that he cheated you are fortunate. I thank God everyday that we were able to work everything out and stay together. It takes a long time for the pain to ease,it takes a long time to trust again and it takes a long time to get the thoughts of the OW out of your mind. The first two I have accomplished after a year and 2 months. The third I am still working on and it is getting better. Hang in there and and take things one day and one step at a time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!! Pfroglady
Thanks for the thoughts and prayers guys. To livin life, i love name you have given my H's ow "puke". that is what I wanted to do when he confirmed her exsistence.
to answer some of your questions, yes H still sees her everyday at work. He says they do not talk. Does she respect the fact that he is back home and working on our marriage? I have no idea. I wish I could get rid of the thoughts of her by telling myself it was just physical, but H has made it clear that it was emotional as well. That is much harder to deal with. My H promised her a life with him so she is very bitter that she fell for it. She also acts like she is the one he cheated on. I do not feel sorry for her at all. I do see the changes and the effort H is putting into trying to fix our marriage, however, the intimate part of our relationship is non-existent. I need hugs and kisses and to make love and he says the feelings are just not there for that with me but he is working on it. I guess it was so different being with someone thin with a good body and coming back to chubby ol me. This just sucks. I need the warmth and comfort and it is not there. He didnt seem to have a problem being intimate with her. Any insights?
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