I am new here, read some posts and decided to make a post of my own.
My wife and I met and dated for 1.5 years prior to marriage. She was affectionate and passionate in our intimacy. She had talked about getting married less than a month after we started dating. I told her we needed to build a foundation, which we did. During a great part of our dating life, she was going through a custody battle with exhusband, who is an attorney. He'd just file claim after claim to spend her out money. Anyway, it was eventualy got settled out of court. She had a stressful time and yet remained interested in our intimacy and me and keeping it non-routine.
We got married and it's like it all turned off. I know it's not likely, but sometimes I wonder if all the sex/etc was to get me into the marriage and now that I am in, she feels she no longer needs to be intimate. It's doubtful, but crazy stuff goes through your mind. To add to matters, she is extremely attractive, outgoing and I love her personality. I have voiced my concerns and that desire to feel "connected" by giving each other to one another; emotionally and physically. She just gets mad and says "it's not a good time to discuss". By the way, guess what? It's never a good time.
Anyway so we have been to counseling and the therapist said my W may have post tramatic stress from the court issues and fear that the ex will do so again. Now she is on antidepressants, which further decreases her interest in intimacy. I told her and the counselor that I understood and I wanted her to feel secure and protected. This medicine does help manage her anxiety, but I am now very concerned about it chemical effect on her as if she stops taking it for a couple of days, she curls up in a ball on the bed.
I basically keep my mouth shut, except the occasional flair up as my feeling of aloneness builds up. I have a great relationship with my stepkids, we do alot of family actvities which is important to her. I also do homework, games, sports, drive kids to school, etc with just the kids and me. We have a good financial situation and own a nice home as well as other investments. (The only reason I mention the financial is that she can feel secure that we could handle it to battle it out with the ex in court, if needed) She does not work and took the kids on a 6 week vacation the summer. To me, that is not such a bad life. But, again, it's never a good time to talk about it. To her credit, she has sought out a few different solutions, but never institutes any of them because of this or that side effect...which I understand too. She says she loves me all the time, but has no drive. I wonder if she is not attracted to me anymore and also if it's just an odd coincidence this all started right after we were married.
So the other days she brings up having a baby. In my mind, I was like "what?". I did tell her that I continue to be unhappy w/ lack of intimacy and that I do not think it is wise to have a child until we work that out. She said that depressed her and I think she feels that I am somehow pressuring her with this. I realize it could appear that way, but I for one am not willing to bring a child into a relationshp that may not work out.
Her outlook on the whole thing is that she is happy with infrequent sex, I am not. So I am the one that should seek counseling. And that any counselor would tell me that I cannot depend on her to make me happy. I do not have social skills problems and depend on others to make my daily life happy. However; there are certain minimum expectations in a marriage. Prior to getting married, we had specifically spoken about intimacy expectations and went so far as to set a specific frequency to keep that "connection" we both loved going. After getting married that amount never was met, not even if streched over a months and months. I know I should not complain too much because some here have it worse. But I am complaining. This does make me feel rejected, unwanted, and uncertain where I really stand with her. I hate to admit it, but I am not sure she would tell me the truth about how she really feels.
ed went from great and versatile (sex prior) to rare emotionless, robotic sense afterwards.
Hey Truman. Sounds familiar (the ol' bait and switch feeling), and there's no easy solution. Here's the pitch: read Michele's book, "The Sex Starved Marriage" and see if she'll read it. Also helpful is "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch. Others may recommend other books.
Marriage Counseling helps sometimes.
Stick around, read other people's situations and how they are dealing.
WHATEVER the cause of this, you need to seriously give thought to having children with her before these issues are resolved. If you've lurked here awhile, as you say, you can see the long list of folks who wished they had addressed their clashing libidos (one way or another) BEFORE there were children involved.
Having a baby doesn't fix a marriage; fix the marriage first, and THEN consider whether or not having children is something that you both want to do.
Sounds like we're facing a lot of the same issues in our Rs. Particularly with it never being a good time to discuss. Just today, my C suggested that I write a letter, which would prevent most of those types of objections to looking at the problem.
Our intimacy usually comes every couple of months or so. We've only been married about a year. The intimacy took a drastic change and it's stayed the same ever so I start to doubt her intentions. I do not want to, but I certainly lack clarity. I suppose that is because I feel she broke the agreement AND lays the blame at my door.
I feel like I am doing things "in good faith", making concessions that I never would have done if we were dating. Trying to be a good husband regardless of the feeling she is not reciprocating. So I am trying and want it to work, but I will not now commit to a sexless marriage NOR did I, quite the contrary.
I hear you loud and clear. This is why I was totally surprised when she brought it up. Not that we have not discussed it in the past, but under the current circumstances I did not think she was interested in a child right at the moment.
Truman: Yes, every couple of months or so. That's where I was after about a year of marriage. Now, at 5 years, we ML about 2-3 times a year.
Basically, you have to tell her that, no, you're not interested in bringing another child into the marriage, and no, you will not stay in a nearly sexless marriage forever.
But there are issues here besides sex, my friend. You'll have to figure those out, too.
I feel like I've been a tape recording all week, "see a marriage counselor, see a marriage counselor, etc." It shows them you're serious, and it can end up being the thing that saves your marriage.
Well, it was a 10 day trip to visit her family in another state that turned into longer trip. I am sure she would say that seeing her family would alleviate stress.
Anyway, I do not even fault her for that so much. I'd like to take a trip as well. It's just a slap in the face to be rejected/unwanted all the time, especially when it was specifically agreed to in advance. And then, to say it's my problem, I need counseling and I depend on her for my happiness is the feather in the cap of insults.
You mentioned that you specifically discussed your intimacy issues prior to getting married - did she have any concerns or reservations about any of it? Maybe some of her reticence is coming from what she felt were unreasonable/unfair expectations?
