Thank you Tessa .... did you suspect the EA? Did you ask, or did he just come out one day and say, "oh, by the way ...".
Mine has completely detached from me emotionally. Completely. Has stopped wearing a ring, talking divorce. Treating me like someone he doesn't even know anymore. Almost resentful. I do believe I'm dealing w/his MLC, but, do suspect OW. He also changed his PW on his cell phone.
Can I ask a personal question? Were the two of you still physically together (intimately) before he told you? How about after? Was he living at home before he told you?
I'm just so completely confused ... I want to sit down with him and have a heart to heart and hope he would tell me the truth (I guess like we all do, huh?).
My H is still at home ... left once on Mother's Day, two weeks and came back home. Left again on 8/1, gone for two days. Is ALWAYS gone on weekends (both days) ... finds every reason under the sun to spend all this free time w/brother on home improvements (I do believe that is where he is 99% of the time). Is this guilt? Or just desire to be away from me? It's like he can't bear being at home. Is always home during the week ... doesn't use the computer. I believe this is something that is happening at work. He is part of a 2-person office, the other co-worker is male. I suspect either a customer, co-worker, or internet play.
Thanks for your thoughts ....
God won't make a mountain I can't climb! UPDATED: 5/9/07 ... I'm proof there is life after his MLC! My heart goes out to each of you that are experiencing the hell I lived through. God Bless You!
Well Tessa, it was both. They pursued each other, but I'm sure that she was more the aggressor when he really tried to break it off.
He states he told her it was wrong, but then "they just couldn't stay away from each other."
I can ask him to stop by and post. Not sure if he will, he is really busy at work right now and barely has time for posting our situation, but I will ask.
No I didn't really suspect anything. H and I were having alot of problems which I blamed on his volunteer work, both of us working funky shifts and the infertility issue. I felt him pulling further and further away from me. One evening -- Nov. 2nd -- I was talking to him on the phone and I did ask him if there was another woman. At that time he said no. About 3 weeks before this he had told me about this "friend" but H has always had alot of female friends, several of which have become my friends, so when he told me about this friend I didn't think anything of it. Then about 3 weeks later he told me more about it. (Nov 3rd) At that time it was still a "friendship" but the red flags started waving when he wasn't willing to give up this friendship. It progressed from there.
Yes we were "together" before he told me and then even after he told me. We have never truly been "seperated". He moved out but we have often "gotten together". Since end of February we have "gotten together" on a regular basis. Sometimes I wonder if he's just not using me for sex -- but I try not to dwell on that as it just leads to negative feelings.
As far as him living at home. He lived at home for about two weeks after he told me. He talked about moving out for the whole two weeks but it took him that long to actually do it. So I guess it could take him 2 years of talking about it before he actually comes back . Hopefully that is an exaggeration.
In the couple months prior to finding out about it, H seemed to do everything he could to not have to be home. H told me that when he first left and the affair w/the OW progressed to a PA, he felt at that time there was absolutely no hope for our marriage. (So does that mean that now he does feel there is hope?) But he also went through this period of time were he was determined to do only what he wanted to do. He told me that so many times. He would say "I'm going to do what I want to do, what makes me happy, I don't care what anyone else thinks". He said he didn't care but I believe he did care but didn't want to care. I say that because when I would call and try to "talk with him" and express to him how much I loved him and how much this was hurting me, he would get furious. Kind of like he was trying to convince himself he didn't care so everytime I expressed my hurt he had to deal with those feelings of guilt and shame -- feelings that you don't have if you don't care. I dont know if that is really the case or not but it really seemed that way.
I'm just so completely confused ... I want to sit down with him and have a heart to heart and hope he would tell me the truth (I guess like we all do, huh?).
Yeah, I think we all do. The problem is that by trying to get him to talk now will just end up in more of your feelings hurt. I found that with my H he would say mean, nasty, evil things to me as though he was doing everything he could to make me hurt. He was angry and I was a perfect target. Almost 9 months into it, when he is feeling good about us and we have been getting along well, he says things about our R that totally negates the mean, awful things he says when he's angry. So maybe I'm in denial, but I'm holding on to the things he says when he is calm and we are getting along well. And since I know that I can have a major influence on whether or not we get along well, then maybe I do have some control in this situation. As in the aspect of controlling how I react to him and not taking his bad moods personally and not pushing any of the buttons that set him off. So this is what I'm working on. But first I have to let him come back to me -- I scared him off about a week ago.
Unfortunately I didn't know about DBing for the first 4 1/2 months of this seperation. I fear I may have done irreversable damage as I kept pushing him further and further away. I do feel that had I not done that damage, our sitch would be progressed much further than it has. So if you can learn from my mistakes and as hard as it is, give him space and time, be patient and don't push, pressure, beg, plead or cry.
Quote: Unfortunately I didn't know about DBing for the first 4 1/2 months of this seperation. I fear I may have done irreversable damage as I kept pushing him further and further away. I do feel that had I not done that damage, our sitch would be progressed much further than it has
Tessa...I feel the same way. My H announced D in January, and I spent until May/June "doing it my way". Of course it pushed it along until now D is very close. I hope to be piecing M back together someday, but realistically I can say it will be a year before we heal enough move closer to each other, while had I found DB and done better in those first months, we might have been talking a few months. It sounds like you and I have many of the same struggles with what we did wrong in the beginning....good luck, hang in there! I did tell my H that my emotions and behavior in the first months were very intense and strong because my love and belief in our M was also intense and strong. Didn't take away what I did, but it seemed to make him a little more willing to understand my "craziness".
Quote: I did tell my H that my emotions and behavior in the first months were very intense and strong because my love and belief in our M was also intense and strong. Didn't take away what I did, but it seemed to make him a little more willing to understand my "craziness".
My H is now a little more willing to understand my "craziness" too. But this has only come about in the last few months. I believe he still thinks that behavior is selfish of me -- and he's right, just like his behavior is selfish of him.
After alot of thinking and reflection I believe my H ended up in an EA which progressed to PA and then back to EA because he wanted to feel loved. I had stopped doing that. For the last few months he has repeatedly made the statement to me and to others that he has no doubts about my love for him. I also think that he is finally seeing I am the more stable of the two women -- I'm continueing to stick it out when things are really bad -- she (OW) has already been divorced twice......Hmmmmm that's a no-brainer but it's taken him quite a while to even begin to see it.
VJ, I haven't read your sitch yet. I'm probably going to go to bed now. Have a class tomorrow w/ a test -- not worried about it but don't want to have a foggy head due to lack of sleep. I'll catch up to you tomorrow evening.
. Hopefully that is an exaggeration.