Hello everyone. I orginally tried DBing but didn't have the will for it last year. Ended up with a dissolution, final Sept 04. We (H-53, Me-55) were married 23 years with two grown children. I immediately moved away to another state and ex-H started relationship (or continued?) with OW. He vacationed with her and our grown children this summer. My heart is broken. I don't have any contact with him except for very rare emails. But he continues to act as if he wants friendship with me (birthday gifts, very nice message on our anniversary).
I am focusing on me, but it's been a long road to get to the point of feeling some detachment from him. In my dreams I wish we were still together. I have been polite but distant with him. After a year I am finally going out and starting a social life, but not dating. I still love my EX. I really don't know how to accept friendship from him.
Wish I knew what to say other than I'm sorry you find yourself here. To me it is hard to imagine making it 20+ years and then calling it quits. I think the presence of OW in the picture definitely makes this harder, even to be friends.
I guess my suggestion for what it's worth is that you continue with your GAL activities and trying your best to be happy with the way things are now. I would be a little less distant when you do have interactions. Show him how happy you are and well adjusted to this situation. I guess I'd accept whatever amount of friendship you are able. At this point you don't have much to lose by at least doing some of the initiating. For all you know he's unhappy with this situation, but his pride and fear keep him from trying for something more with you.
But I think it's important that while accepting of friendship that you have an attitude of completely moving on and accepting whatever happens.
I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I wish the best for you.
Wes
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks Wes, I appreciate the reply. It's so hard to know what to do with an EX-spouse. Especially when there is betrayal involved. Being apart, in another state, has been very good for detaching and taking time to learn who I am without my marraige. It's complicated by the fact that my youngest went away to college the same month the divorce was final. So I am dealing with the double whammy, divorce and empty nest. But there's a real upside, at least for me. I have a comfortable income as a result of the D settlement and I live in my dream town. I imagine that grief will be with me another year. My therapist said the "acute grieving stage" lasts about two years after the D is final. But in many ways I am fine with my life now. I bought a townhome and am living by myself for the first time in my life. I am restarting a career that I pursued in fits and starts during my M. There's lots to look forward to so it's somewhat confusing to be feeling so bad in the midst of plenty, if you know what I mean.
Have you ever read Bryon Katie's books? "Loving What Is?" Her worksheets have been helpful to me during this process.
Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories on this board.
Glad to hear that you are piecing your life together. Unless you really don't want it, I would count my blessings in having your ex-H wanting to be friends. Personally, I think staying in contact helps in the healing process. You have a long history and children that will tie you together forever. I don't think we ever really get over or forget the other person. We just move on. I think that forgiveness of the other person, and of ourselves (yes, we have to forgive ourselves too), is the most important aspect in the healing and closure of a M that failed. Once that happens and we are able to become friends (maybe friends is too strong of a word) with our ex, then I think true liberation occurs in our lives.
Accepting friendship is as simple as staying in touch.
Sorry to hear about your broken heart, but time will heal it.
