one foot one step at a time

[becon776]

hello all... well I was posting in "surviving the big d" seems as though I am in the wrong place there here is my posts
my lastest post

there is a lot more than that (the history of it all) maybe I will post a link to it later. For right now I am kind of bummin. Tell me what you think of these posts? I am a bit confused right now

[Just_Me]

Hi Ben,

It's not easy being in divorcedom and I think we all pretty much know the feeling to variable degrees. Could you fill us in a little bit about why you are divorced? What things played the biggest role in the demise of your marriage? These are places to make a change.

I think you got some excellent advice on the other thread. I would like to reiterate what was said. The first step for you is to focus on yourself. When you are in a state where you "need" your XW and focus only on how much you want her back, you are not in the position to convince her you're an attractive alternative to all the other fish in the sea. Would you want someone that needed you in order to be happy? Someone that wasn't complete and happy on their own?

So put your focus on improving yourself. Make yourself as attractive as possible to your XW. Get a life dude. Take advantage of this single life to do some things for yourself that you perhaps put on hold.

Make yourself a list of goals. Keep the list primarily focused on improvements you would like to see for yourself. If that coincides with something that your XW didn't like then that's a good start.

Perhaps you should think about seeing a counselor or getting on some anti-depressants. You sound really low. You have got to quit focusing on your misery and look at the things that are good in your life. Being 29 is much to young to start thinking that you'll never love again or that this is the end of the world.

[becon776]

here is one of my previous posts. It was basically this. When we got married I was 24 and she was 28. There was even one point in our relationship that she was 30 and I was 25. She has a son. I did a lot in a short matter of time. I became "dad". I often became overwhelmed with all the responsibility of a home, a family. Often I would look at my friends who were dating and married but with no families and doing all kinds of fun things. I got a little jealous. I looked at the "greener" grass or so it seemed. Slowly but surely at around age 27 I began to accept and chereish what I had and my identity was changing. It took a few years. At times befofre that kim was the one who came at me... who pursued me. And just as it goes I rejected her a little. But by the time I came around she would say... your not doing these things because you want to your just doing them to make me happy and then if I become happy and accept them then you will go right back to the old ways. So I did change but in her mind it was too late. The hurt had already been done and there was no going back. She often said "I wish I could meet you right now" at the very end of things. I pursued SO hard. I didn't trust. And I got caught in the me pursuing / her rejecting trap. Everyone tells me "time heals all" I think that when she thinks of me she just feels anger. I did a poor job of letting her go, of detaching. It was because I wanted her to know that I was and AM serious that I got hit in the head with the 2x4 and really was true blue. This is a little of a "self blaming" account but I have got to take responsibility for my end. On her side is a little shallowness... a little grass in greener... and the typical WAW psychology. Here is an account.
Mind you... I have pics from one year ago where you can just see how in love we were. It is hard b/c I say "12 months ago......"
one of my old posts a summary of my sitch

[Just_Me]

becon,

I know it's hard. Today I started the unpleasant task of taking down some family photos, putting away some of my XWs possessions that she left because she didn't have room, and basically throwing the life we had out. She's got so much stuff here that maybe I should just move and she can sort it out. This was the perfect home we built for our expanded family. Didn't work out to be all that happy.

Oh, but enough about me. Just explaining that I understand completely. It is of no use to look back 12 months. There be monsters there. As hard as it is you have to look forward. You can still be the man she wants you just have to get to a good place being comfortable with yourself before you have room for her again in your life.

Don't take on everything on your "to do" list all at once. Approach it systematically and work on one aspect of your life at a time. Take the focus off of her. She used to chase you...perhaps in time she will again when she sees the man in you that she felt like chasing.

I know...a little vague, but you probably get the gist of what I'm saying. Good luck Ben. One day at a time.

[becon776]

Thank you for the encouragement. it is very reassuring to know that someone is out there listening.

It is funny. All that I feared has come to pass. The divorce, her dating, all communication cut between us. All of it. So like it or not I have to face my fears. I often said in the past "if it is not fixed by this date then I am throwing in the towel." or "if she is seeing another in my old house then that is IT" Well well.... those things happen and here I am still carrying around love for her and my xSS8. There is really nothing I can do about it. Even now I say deep down "if I don't hear from her by october (our anniversary) then I will be done.
It is funny how some thoughts edify so much and give me such a confidence. Example, "I know that she is going forward with her life and acting like we were never married, but, I know that as much as she acts like she doesn't think about me, she does. She remembers, she thinks about me, I was the biggest relationship she has ever had." or "I will talk to her again, maybe not for some time but eventually I will talk to her, she has left with too many dangling ends" Then there are the day ruiners imagery of her and the New man doing the things that we used to do together and asmiling and having fun. These ones suck.
When does is the line between hope and being pathetic. Between perserverance, conviction, and obsession. How do you let go and still hold on to the pebble? Unrequitted love is like a disease. The reality is that she may NEVER come back, NEVER. It is hard... I want to move on with my life. But still decisions that I make still factor kim into them. "if I do this and kim comes back, then what effect will that have" "If I do this then, it will make it harder for kim to come back to me"

I think the greatest missing link is understanding. Wanting to know what is going on in her mind. It has been 2.5 months since our last convo. I think that she is still quite angry. Anger stemming from guilt probably. Although I pursued pretty hard, in the end I gave everything to her and said "I hope you find what you are looking for, if not then call me"
If I learn anything new from this it will be patience. Sometimes the stress of it... ugh. The reality of it. It makes me feel as if I can FEEL the toxins flooding through my body. I think that my grey hair count has tripled in the last 8 months. The reality is that we haven't lived together as husband and wife for 10 months. Why am I still here? What is wrong with me?

[Just_Me]

When does is the line between hope and being pathetic. Between perserverance, conviction, and obsession. How do you let go and still hold on to the pebble? Unrequitted love is like a disease

I think that the line is when you focus your energies primarily on your W to the exclusion of the rest of your life. You don't have to let go entirely, but you need to redirect towards yourself. If you can't find the way to be content without her then your odds of never being with her are greater.

I want to move on with my life. But still decisions that I make still factor kim into them. "if I do this and kim comes back, then what effect will that have" "If I do this then, it will make it harder for kim to come back to me"

And therein lies a big problem--putting your life on hold on the off-chance that she'll come back. She doesn't have input in your decisions anymore. Getting a life is about you. Do the things you want to do without considering her wishes. Seeing you being happy and content with your life is much more attractive. Look at it this way...before she came into your life did you consider "what if some future woman I want to marry doesn't like this?"

Patience is a must have, but make sure that you aren't patiently waiting for her to come back while you don't do anything for yourself.

[becon776]

god it just gets funnier and funnier... I have been online trying to meet somebody and lookie who pops up as my #1 match although she is now saying that she doesn't want more kids... funny

imagine that my ex wife!

[She_Left_Me]

I still find it wierd not to have someone to ask an opinon of, or to compromise with, when making a decision. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. As far as decisons go, almost any decision can be changed, when / if she comes back. Don't stress over them. You must do what is right for you, as a single, not as "if she comes back". Keep your chin up.

[becon776]

well here it is... almost a year since my last post. I have to be honest a year after the divorce and 1yr8mths since I moved out I am hurt today. I think of her often. She still has a mojor role in my dreams (don't know if I have anything to say about that). Divorce SUCKS. That is all there is to it.
I find it VERY difficult not to look for the punch in the gut when I talk to old friends, not to talk to them and ask "how is kim, anyway?" I know that the answers are going to hurt but i ask anyway. Why? I don't know maybe I am awaiting the time when they won't hurt. Today my friend pointed out that she is selling some items from our wedding on ebay... jewelry from me and a watch (i had the matching one) from my brother. It hurt. My friends tell me to stop living in the past. Her and I are done... forever. yet I can't seem to let go of that tiny grain of sand that we will someday reconcile. I have this idea of the glory days in my head... I have this memory of loving her SO much beyond words and she loved me... she truly did. I guess that is no more. I wish I could get amnesia. and forget she ever existed. I feel like we were so in love that if her and I didn't work out then what chance do I have with anyone else. I feel like I'll never love again at the level that I loved her, I would have given my life for her. So where does that leave me.... hopeless for future relationships and hopefull for something that has a VERY miniscule chance of happening.
I still know what she has been up to for the last twelve months and I damn well shouldn't. I know that she has been through like 6 guys. I know that she just turned 34 and wants another kid and her new guy seems to be normal. So she's got like a year left to take care of that and the fact that she's not married.
I have been seeing someone on and off for 7 months she is everything that my ex wasn't and not much of what she was. She is sensual and non rejecting esp in the bedroom... she loves to cook and is supportive. I do have strong feeling for this woman but she has 4 kids and can not have any more. I want kids... if none of this would have ever happened I know that me and my x would have probably been on kid #2 by now. She is EXTERMELY jealous. I just feel hopeless. I have fixed every damn part of my life that was a problem. $$, new job, in shape. none of it really mattered.
Every girl I have met and have been with seems second because I would rather b with my ex. LIke "I want to be with her but I cannot have that so I guess I'll be with you". This feeling sux and I wish that I didn't feel it. I HATE to be alone. The new girl is EXTREMELY beautiful and I am very attracted to her. just a mixed up day today. feeling down, normally I am in the now and marching forward.