So I guess I didn't move over to piecing. Perhaps I should have moved to surviving the big D.
I've done the pursuing thing...and I can't say the results were entirely negative....but neither were they really successful. I think that 6 months is long enough of a trial and I need to try something else....I just need to experiment I guess.
Today while looking at someone else's thread I saw these words "You can't live his life for him and what's worse you can't live your life for him." Part of me is still wanting to be there and protect my XW...help her through the tough patches...give advice on things. I can't do this anymore. She needs to and probably wants to be totally independent. I have also not been sufficiently detached and I haven't pursued my goals to the fullest extent possible. So my first post on this new thread will just be a short list of my future pursuits.
1. Begin to box up XWs possessions that are still at house.
2. Work hard at correspondence course (I signed up for a creative writing class to help me with my book)
3. Get back to working on book.
4. Get more involved with social activities (I've just started volleyball, but I need more opportunities to get out)
5. Date
6. Get garage door opener from XW and be less accessible to X.
Okay...I'll start with this little to do list. I'm just going to be dark for awhile. I think if there is any future R with my XW she is going to have to step up to the plate. I'm sick of doing all the pitching and hitting while she sits on the bench. Go BRAVES!
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I dont know if you have written down your overall objective (as opposed to these "future pursuits") somewhere. I mean, are you done? If you are, then these are excellent goals. If you are not, i.e. if you still want your W back into working on an R, then I still like your goals 2,3,4. But goal 1 seems to be incompatible with not pushing the R over the cliff and goals 5 and , while understandable, are not likely to help with the ultimate objective either. If you are done, of course these are commendable and natural pursuits to follow.
Sorry, Wes, I am not entirely enthusiastic because you are making a lot of decisions now in a state of pain. These usually tend to get revised later on when you get on an even plane. The way to get to an even plane is through a period of calm and introspection and GAL (your goals 2,3,4). I have made so many short-term goals in periods when I was intensely angry/upset with my W's actions. And then later, when I developed compassion for her and saw her side of the pain, I dropped those things that would have driven a wedge between us. Believe me, there is pain on both sides of this Wes. The WAW, particularly when in MLC, is full of pain and self-absorption. They are constantly licking their spiritual wounds, so to speak. the choice for the LBS is to stay with them while they work through their spiritual sickness, or choose their own path. I am not clear, from your post, what you are attempting to do.
It's been 26 months for me. I saw W this morning while picking up D3. I still love this woman intensely. Something is definitely wrong with me?
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
UD, thanks for your thoughts. I need to reevaluate my overall goals, but for the present I don't have any that say "I'll date XW" or "I'll get back together with her".
Quote: The WAW, particularly when in MLC, is full of pain and self-absorption. They are constantly licking their spiritual wounds, so to speak. the choice for the LBS is to stay with them while they work through their spiritual sickness, or choose their own path. I am not clear, from your post, what you are attempting to do.
UD, I'm not angry and I do understand my XW has pain or whatever. I feel she is a little self-centered right now, but which of them isn't. I don't think I've given up...I mean I'd take her back if she was willing to try. But I'm moving into a phase where I'm not going to worry about her at all. I need her to take a role in this if she wants in. I guess I'm not making the choice "to stay with them while they work through their spiritual sickness".
I intend to get my whole life in order and that includes dating. That doesn't mean I've given up. She is just another potential future R. She can choose to have a R with me or not...I'm just not going to preferentially do things with her. Is any of that making sense. Part of me hopes that she will reach out as I detach more, but there is part of me that says "she won't ever allow a new R with me to work so give up".
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Remind me again, what's your book about? I haven't got any author friends so it'd be nice to hear about it.
I didn't have to do the writing class but I am thinking of signing up for script writing class as I have no experience with this form of writing and my next step was to convert it to script in order to write a film.
My book is in it's infancy. It's a fantasy novel. It is what I'm familiar with since it's what I've read for years. I was keeping it in this day and age and hoping to incorporate some of this unfortunately reality into it. Most of the book unfortunately is still trapped in my head. I have put it on hold for too long and I need to get serious. I'm only like on chapter 5 or 6 or something and haven't written a word in 4 months.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
"she won't ever allow a new R with me to work so give up"
I know exactly how you feel as many others here do. The truth is very few of our relationships will work out. Living with hope and trying to detach has been impossible for me. Its taken a year, but most of my hope is gone. I finally admitt the reality that it will never work out, mainly as you say "because she refuses to consider the possibility". Its took about a year for that to sink in.
I think as long as you are not doing things to intentionally hurt her, they are OK. For example boxing up their stuff. I'm ready to do the same, because I'm tired of looking at the stuff thinking "she left some stuff here, maybe that means she is coming back". I'm so tired of living in that dream world.
If you want to date for the right reasons then date. I want to date because I want to share my life with someone, but I know I'm not ready, so I dont. I would never date just to make her jealous. She started dating, because she cannot stand to be alone (not a very good reason in my opinion). This is really up to you, you just have to ask yourself why you want to date.
My ex actually gave me the garage door opener. I never had one, so I actually forgot about it. She also gave me the key to the house. I never asked for it, I guess she felt she no longer needed it. Does your x need the opener, if not you should ask for it back.
I dont believe in giving up, but I also dont believe in beating a dead horse. I like to think of it as not giving up, but accepting what life has delt me.
I definitely sense a different perspective and vibe from you. I suspect she will continue calling and dropping by. Guess it is time to revisit the boundary considerations.
I am sure she will be surprised by your behavior given in the past you have been completely accessible and agreeable.
Interesting to see how the changes affect the dynamic.
Wes it's good to hear that you have so many good friends who offer their fellowship to you. I just wanted to let you know that I found your new thread and even though I can't bring myself to offer advice to anyone at this point, I am still following you and I so appreciate you popping in on me.
I am so excited to hear you talking about your book again. It's been a long time. I hope you'll mail me a copy when it's finished. An autographed copy!
No updates for today. I haven't seen or spoken with my X since immediately after the movie on Saturday. That's pretty much a record for me. She's still in my thoughts too much of the time, but I need this to do my own thing and get to a position where I have truly faced the reality that we are through. Hope is all well and good, but I think for most of us it can only end in heartache.
I visited the "surviving the big D" forum yesterday. The thinking is definitely different. Some realize that things are better without their Xs and some that it was hopeless. And there is a fair amount of bitterness. Some were "I don't want to burst this poor newbies bubble, but it's over and he just isn't ready to accept it." Scarey, but probably true for quite a few of us.
Sorry I'm such a downer today. More pessimistic than optimistic I guess.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I know it already ended in heartache, but some of us are too stubborn or not smart enough to realize it.
Yet somewhere in our tiny, dinosaur brains we question our motive and reason for hanging on to the idea of a relationship with someone who has little interest in one and is moving forward in their life.
I would like to attribute it to love, but clearly there is more, much more involved than we really admit or understand.
It goes, in my mind, well beyond committment, honor, trust, desire, need, want, and hope.
Perhaps I should have moved to surviving the big D. 